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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

265 replies

formerbabe · 03/02/2014 09:26

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/02/2014 10:44

LaBelleMadame Very good points.

falulahthecat · 03/02/2014 10:45

Slight edit - I would have expected one of them to offer if they saw you were struggling, however.
Try asking, if they still say no, if/when they do have kids of their own and moan about how hard it is you can smile sympathetically and say "Yes I know - don't you remember when I had my second child and I was struggling and had no one to help..." Wink

Bedtime1 · 03/02/2014 10:45

Ops on about babysitting that's not really any help needed, they don't even know as op didn't ask.
Moving house. We'll did they know that op needed help? Or did she just expect them to offer. They might have thought if she didn't ask that they had all the help they needed.

Th crux is to ask you know then if they always turn you down then there not that good friends .

I'm sure if there was an emergency eg in hospital they would visit

Bedtime1 · 03/02/2014 10:46

In fact did they know op has been struggling full stop? Has op said

Bedtime1 · 03/02/2014 10:48

My sil only likes her nieces and nephew that's it. She's not keen on other peoples kids.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 10:48

I am talking about major life events when I have needed help like moving house/giving birth. I also would have liked them to have wanted to spend time/get to know my children not just because I fancy a night out.

But you aren't just talking about these times. You mentioned them taking your eldest to the park after you had your youngest... That isn't a major thing that is just life once you have a second child Confused

I'm sorry I appreciate some people who don't have children love helping friends out that do but for the majority I would say they work full time, have two days off a week (some only one) where they can catch up with friends, boyfriends, family's etc. Babysitting your kids clearly isn't and isn't going to be top of their priorities.

Shufty · 03/02/2014 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fecklessdizzy · 03/02/2014 10:49

I had kids late and so most of my mates had babies first. I never babysat for any of them - I wouldn't have had the faintest idea what to do with a howling baby!

I did try and make interested noises while they talked about their sprogs because that's what you do but I didn't actually want to get to know them because other peoples kids are massively dull until you have your own to compare notes about ... We're still mates long years later so it can't have been that bad. Grin

I think you're being a bit of a princess. Talk about kids and trade babysitting duties with your mum friends and relish the child-free chat with the others!

Original poster
formerbabe · 03/02/2014 10:49

Yes they did know...I remember clearly telling them at a get together once how tough things were for me. Everyone knew I was having a really shit time but I guess no one knows what its like till they go through it.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 03/02/2014 10:49

Been there, got the t-shirt. I was the childfree friend that did lots of babysitting of my friend. But when I needed help she was never available. In hindsight, she should never have expected it of me. I had no problem helping out when she had to go in to hospital for surgery, but when she started expecting me to babysit when she wanted to go out for a night with other friends (but could never go out with me because she couldn't get a free babysitter), then it became too much.

I'm a single parent, and my parents are both deceased. When I moved house I sent my son to daycare for the day, and when I need to go somewhere I hired a babysitter. That's just what you do.

LastOneDancing · 03/02/2014 10:53

It works both ways I think.

My friend has worked very hard to ensure her friends and DC have a good relationship.

She facilitates conversations 'tell Aunty Last about...' and for example last week her DS bought over pictures he'd drawn for me and my DH. The kids come with her wherever we go and she doesn't expect everyone to come to her (as another friend has done) just because she chose to have DC. We have and will babysit without a second thought because we know her DC.

Kids are really scary if you don't have one. Im very grateful that this friend made loving her children so easy and I really hope to follow her example.

pictish · 03/02/2014 10:56

OP - how much babysitting for your friends with kids did you do before you had your own?

ViviPru · 03/02/2014 10:58

She facilitates conversations 'tell Aunty Last about...'

This is important. It's much easier to engage with kids whose parents have made the effort to do facilitate interaction. Other kids just do the shy thing when you try and interact and the parents are all "oh such-and-such are you shy? Aww how cute" and then carry on chatting to you.

volestair · 03/02/2014 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wildfig · 03/02/2014 11:02

I completely agree with lastonedancing - if you want your friends to grow a relationship with your children then you have to provide the framework, not assume that they've somehow acquired the same interest and knowledge of kids that you have while you've been bringing them up. Don't just drop them in at the deep end with solo babysitting; invite them round for tea and encourage positive interaction. When you don't have children, it's not easy to interpret baby conversation, even if you're desperately trying to understand what a frustrated child's trying to say. Yes, some kids are more interesting than others (sorry) but a three year old isn't exactly going to have witty cocktail party repartee on tap - you're the one who can start to build the relationship by helping play and giving the friends clues about engaging.

Mishmashfamily · 03/02/2014 11:05

Ha ha ha ha ha Grin

YABU

SaucyJack · 03/02/2014 11:06

I'm childfree and to be frank the point of it is not having to look after kids,

Well, quite (!)

MaidOfStars · 03/02/2014 11:06

I am a child-free friend. I have offered to babysit. I have offered to look after various children at events (for example, so that Mum and Dad can go and have a dance/drink on their own). I have made it clear that any of the children are welcome in my house for a weekend/etc.

I am good with the various children. They seem to like me. I am confident. I am able to change nappies, hush crying, bath, put to bed.

I must be doing something wrong, that I've never been taken up on any offers Smile Maybe the children secretly hate me...

MidniteScribbler · 03/02/2014 11:11

MaidofStars: You can be my friend. Grin

MyNameIsWinkly · 03/02/2014 11:14

I have babysat for my best friends' 18mo twins several times since they were born. I also make efforts to come over on weekend daytimes so I can spend time with the whole family (they're truly delightful children.) These are great friends who still bother to exhibit an interest in my life, and I know they will return the favour one way or another.

I have another 'friend,' I offered to babysit once so she could go out for her birthday. She seemed to take it for granted, her husband was much more appreciative than her. She's always been fairly self absorbed and I am certain she will never return the favour. I won't be looking after her again.

OP are you certain you were the first type of friend and not the second?

newyearhere · 03/02/2014 11:18

YABU

Original poster
formerbabe · 03/02/2014 11:18

My friends never offered so I have never been able to take them for granted. I sent a bouquet of flowers to my 'mum friend' who looked after my eldest when I was in hospital having my 2nd, so I think I am an appreciative person.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 03/02/2014 11:21

Why should they offer? You chose to have children, so you get to manage their care.

Grennie · 03/02/2014 11:22

When I was young, before having experience with kids, I would have offered to babysit before your baby was born. Then afterwards, I would have been terrified at the idea of the reality.

Also friendships are two way. Have you helped out friends in the past prcatically? I know I am happy to help out friends who do this. But some people do seem to expect help and never help their friends back.

FuckingWankwings · 03/02/2014 11:26

You need to ask people if you want help. Dropping hints isn't fair. I tend to let my friends with kids set the agenda, and I assume that would ask if they needed help; if I don't hear from them I assume they're too busy to be in touch, and tend not to contact them because I think they wouldn't appreciate the interruption.

You can't blame them for being 'strangers' to your kids if you don't show them by example how to act around your kids, either. They might be unsure and unconfident about it.