aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

[formerbabe]

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

I also would have liked them to have wanted to spend time/get to know my children not just because I fancy a night out.

Nah. Not going to happen. Although there undoubtedly some exceptions to the rule, when one is childless, other people's children are not a point of specific interest.
Kids only become interesting when you have your own...and even then, it's dicey.

I'm childfree in the 'official' sense of the term (don't want EVER) rather than childless (don't have YET or can't have).

I don't actively dislike children but I tend to have a limited threshold and after two hours the gates come down. I'd be a lousy parent! I am, however, a godparent to one child who thinks I am the bees knees. Her brother thinks I am great too - I think because I don't talk down to them. I was shocked to be asked by my friends, as they knew I was childfree, but they said they knew if I said yes, I would take it seriously. I thought about it and said yes with two provisos - I don't change nappies and I don't babysit. They accepted!

I go round for tea and ask the kids what they are up to and read them stories sometimes. But babysitting just wouldn't be for me.

If they wont even help you move then lets hope you never get an illness that means you require looking after. I dont agree with the attitude you should just get on with everything yourself. This is what living in a community is all about helping your friends, neighbours etc and then helping you.

You can't blame them for not seeing your kids. It doesn't probably cross there minds to get to know your kids as there not parents. They are friends with you.

Nah. Not going to happen. Although there undoubtedly some exceptions to the rule, when one is childless, other people's children are not a point of specific interest.

AND as a childless person, there are some friend's kids whose company I positively delight in, and actively seek to spend time with them. Others are utterly loathsome not so much.

You are nbu. Good close friends help each other out and support each other. Not so they feel taken for granted but because they care for each other. There will always be a time when help can be returned in different ways.
I agree that not everyone enjoys the company of children,but sometimes we do things not because we enjoy it but simply because it's a nice thing to do for someone.
Unfortunately when friends don't help each other it makes for a poor friendship. Offering to babysit once in a while is hardly being taken advantage of.

OP, the only people truly interested in DC are the parents and the grannies. Anyone else is a bonus .

Your DC are not remotely fascinating to anyone but you!

A lesson I think many parents and DC could do well to learn.

Annie - the op never asked for help. There not mind readers. And if your a good friend yourself that's how others are good friends to you.

I think if you've got a best friend who your really close to or it's a family member they'd know how to help and how you were feeling. It's also a two way street not one way

I am a childless friend so just offering an opinion from that perspective.
I have a friend who is a lone parent and who would be quite open if he wanted to go out, usually for a specific movie with his friends that he would really appreciate a babysitter. I tentatively volunteered on one occasion as although I'd seen him pretty regularly since he was a baby his ds didn't know me that well and I really wasn't sure what I was supposed to do - it was a pretty terrifying thought to be honest! If my friend hadn't actually have asked it wouldn't even have occurred to me to offer.
In the end we had an awesome time and I babysat several times before i moved away.
Another close friend I only see rarely as we live a long way apart and I see her dd with her, as when I am there I am on holiday and free all day. I doubt I'd see her dd more often if I lived closer as she has tea at 5pm and is then off to bed, I'm never finished work by then! At the weekends I'm frequently out and about and active until that time - I'd probably end up seeing my friend after her dd had gone to bed as that's a far easier socialising time.
If you don't have children of your own knowing that the parents might need help isn't obvious or that offering to babysit would be seen as useful not interfering. Also, it's pretty scary to be responsible for a little person that can't really communicate with you and you have no experience of dealing with!

Annie - I wouldn't expect my friends to help me move. If they offered, that'd be great. I wouldn't think badly of them for not offering. They may have problems of their own to deal with at the same time. I may be childfree but I appreciate my friends with children have different priorities and I wouldn't judge them for it. You shouldn't EXPECT anything from a friend other than friendship - how that plays out can be different for different people.

I think in their mind's eye they saw you having a perfect Hollywood child who doesn't need to eat or poo, doesn't get sticky and never cries, or only for a couple of minutes in a picturesque way. They would babysit a perfect sleeping infant and you would compliment them on how they were so naturally good with babies. Then the baby would spontaneously transition into an older verbal child who would share their interests and they would babysit and laugh with the child and have pillow fights and skip around doing slightly rebellious things and be a cool mentor figure and you would tell them how wonderful they were with children.

Then they met a real baby... And they realised that they weren't naturally interested in, or good with, babies or children. And they didn't fancy putting the work in to get good with them.

None of my childfree friends has ever babysitted, fwiw. And all my offers of help when I was having DC2 and DC3 came from the parents of DC1's nursery friends.

I agree bedtime but even people Im vaguely close to have helped us out with house moves for free so if your best mates dont help I think its awful tbh. Surely if she mentioned she was moving or giving birth they would of offered I cant see any excuse for that.

before I had DD I had no interest in other people's children (still don't, to be honest!). If you don't have them, children are annoying and in the way! I don't expect my childless chums to want to see DD and babysit her or really know her - lovely if they do but not to be expected.

I had no real idea of how much having a child changes everything.

The point is there not that good friends. Your answer lies there! And it's a two way thing to make a friendship close and more than just fair weather friends

I don't know how appropriate it is for people without childcare experience to be looking after children for extended periods of time, tbh.

Maybe I'm unusually paranoid but I just wouldn't feel comfortable being in sole charge of a child under school age. I certainly wouldn't think it's appropriate for me to look after a baby or toddler who wasn't able to communicate if there was a problem, and where I didn't know them well enough to pick up on any signs of illness, potential upset, etc.

annieorangutan I can honestly say that, despite my general tendency to avoid children before I had my own, when my closest friend who was an LP had a major operation, I did pitch in, because I could see that it was necessary. I think most people would do that, so it's not quite as bleak as all that.... or at least I hope not!

The OP's complaints seem to be about something quite different: that her friends aren't interested in developing a relationship with her DC and spending time with them to lessen her parenting burden in the normal run of events. IME, childless adults who are interested in doing that are few and far between!

I think OP would find it most helpful to categorise her friendships into child-related and not child-related when normal circumstances prevail; and feel free to dump those friends that won't lift a finger when you are genuinely ill or in an emergency.

DH and I are very close friends with two other couples - separately, not as a group of 6. Both other couples now have DC, but for over 4 years we had DC and they were childless.

We managed to stay close to both couples, even going on holiday with one couple and our DC, but although they were happy to play with the kids for a bit, they never looked after our DC without us or babysat in the evening and we didn't expect them to.

So I think YABU.

Having said that, I'm sure they would have stepped up in an emergency if we had no one else to call on, but this situation has luckily never arisen.

But by texting you to see how things were going, shows that they were thinking of you and were wishing you well. Because that's the support they would have appreciated on the day so assumed you would too.

If you wanted some child care that day you should have spoken up and said "i was wondering if someone / a couple of you would mind looking after the DC on the day we move, it would be a big help".

I would babysit if asked but i wouldn't assume i was first choice (over family or even other friends) babysitter and my friends were hoping i'd volunteer. Plus I would worry my friends would think i'm odd if I randomly called up and said "hey fancy a night out at the weekend, i'll babysit" out of the blue.

If you need help ask, don't sit stewing or playing tit for tat, its highly likely they'd never have even have thought you would volunteer to help them anyway.

There not best friends

Are you actually asking them if they can babysit, or are you just waiting for them to offer?
When the first of my friends had a baby I would babysit if she asked me to on a specific date and I was free, but it would never have occurred to me to say, "Would you like me to babysit next Saturday?" I always assumed that if she needed a babysitter she would ask, and if she didn't then it was because she wanted to be with her baby rather than go out.

I am talking about major life events when I have needed help like moving house/giving birth. I also would have liked them to have wanted to spend time/get to know my children not just because I fancy a night out.

With major life events where you need help, then ask! You can't complain after the fact that they didn't help when you never asked them to. You are expecting too much if you wanted them to offer when they have no way of knowing exactly what you would have needed, and especially if they don't know what they're doing with babies and toddlers.

I also think you are expecting too much by wanting them to want to spend time with your dc. Why should they want to get to know your dc? They are your friends, they know and like you, but that doesn't automatically mean they are going to want to start spending time with children just because you decided to have some. As has been said, other people's children just aren't that interesting, no matter how besotted their parents are.

I think the key here is you didn't ask. I'm sure most pals would do the odd evening of babysitting, especially if child is already in bed, but you do need to ask!

Surely if she mentioned she was moving or giving birth they would of offered I cant see any excuse for that

When we moved house, I knew we would need another pair of hands so I spoke to a close friend who I had a good idea would be eager to help, and gauged what his availability/commitments were likely to be around that time. We then worked out between us exactly how and when he would help, and after he declined an offer of compensation for his days' leave, he accepted an invitation to a meal out on us instead.

You can't just expect friends to drop everything and offer to help with a house move without actually discussing your hopes in some detail first...

I think maybe if you said to them "I'm really struggling and could really do with a day to relax, I'm not getting sleep etc. would you mind babysitting one day next month so I can have some me time and we can have dinner at mine after" and they said no then TABU.

Otherwise, they are your kids. It's your choice. Your children are the world to you, but kids just aren't some people's 'thing', some people don't like them/want their own, and are sometimes especially anti-child when they're trying to cram as much child-free time into their younger years as possible before having kids of their own...

my child free friends are great with my children. ashamed to say, had the situation been different, I probably wouldn't have been so great if they'd had the children and I hadn't