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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM and DD1's prom dress

132 replies

Ladyfarquhar · 02/02/2014 12:11

I really don't know if I am bu, but I'm feeling a bit sad.

DD1 is having her end of school prom this summer, she is beginning to get a bit stressed as all her friends have gone shopping and seem to be all sorted. So, Friday evening it was arranged to go shopping but when it came to it she wanted to go with friends for food so I agreed to go another time. We have had a look on line and talked about what she was looking for and I was really looking forward to going with her to choose, and talked about making a day of it.

Last night she stayed at my DM, I don't have the best relationship with her but DD1 is her first grandchild and she does go on occasion and stay the night.

I texted this morning to ask if she wanted to go shopping for the dress today, but got no answer, I tried ringing but no answer, so just got on with house stuff.

I have just got a text from her saying she is in town with DM and she has her prom dress. I am gutted. I know the main thing was she has her dress but AIBU to think my DM would of asked me if it was something I would like to do before going? I know they wouldn't of gone to town and just happended to see a dress, it would of been pre planned as trips into town isn't something they have ever done before.

OP posts:
LucyLasticBand · 02/02/2014 12:13
Sad i woudl be gutted too.

perhaps your dd chose it though?

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/02/2014 12:14

I understand why you are disappointed and guess its not the first time you have felt hurt by your mother.

But at least you didn't have to spend £££ on it! Just do another trip to buy shoes with your DD instead perhaps?

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 12:15

you poor soul I would be gutted too what was your mum and daughter thinking about how selfish i know your dd would probbaly have got caught up in it all your mothers behaviour is imo not on, I know she will just say oh it is a dress why are you upset I get it I really do, does your mum always go over your head like that, I think what she did was insensitive and horrible,

Thetallesttower · 02/02/2014 12:15

What are you upset about? That your dd was supposed to be getting the dress with you and now she has got it with your mum? In my house this would be just fine I would be delighted if my mum took my dd out shopping for an occasion like this but I get the feeling this is not really about prom dresses.

LucyLasticBand · 02/02/2014 12:15

and the hair and the organising of the car and the make up and the nails!
and the photos.
and the stress

enjoy Grin

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:16

I think it was down to your DD to let you know she was going dress shopping with your DM.

You say you don't have the best relationship with your DM and your DD knew how much you wanted to help her choose the dress...so it was down to your DD in my opinion.

But you know, it's only an end of year leaver's disco.

I'm sure there'll be plenty of other shopping opportunities for you both to share.

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 12:17

But at least you didn't have to spend £££ on it! Just do another trip to buy shoes with your DD instead perhaps?

YY to this go get shoes a bag and bits and pieces with her talk about hair appointments etc I know you are really sad and upset though

SelectAUserName · 02/02/2014 12:18

If your DM knew you wanted to make a day of it with your DD and "got in first", YANBU.

Did your DD know you were actively looking forward to shopping with her, or might she have thought she was relieving you of a chore by sorting it out with Granny?

(I would have thought it was a bit early to be deciding outfits for an event nearly six months away anyway, given how quickly teen fashions change.)

Eh, it's prom. I know it's important to your DD but it's really just another school party. If she chose to go wedding dress shopping with your DM rather than you, that would be an issue.

Hissy · 02/02/2014 12:18

Oh love, :( poor you.

What a complete cow your dm is.

Try to look on the brightside here, that you don't have to pay for it, but you could get her hair done, nails etc and get the shoes.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:19

Please tell me your daughter is 16-18 and not 11!

hootloop · 02/02/2014 12:19

Its just a dress for a disco. Its not her wedding, its not such a big thing really.

LucyLasticBand · 02/02/2014 12:20

try and be happy for her and her dress though op

Sirzy · 02/02/2014 12:22

I am assuming we are talking about a 15/16 year old here? surely its up to her who she goes shopping with.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:23

What a complete cow your dm is.

Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze

This is a possible interpretation, but there are loads of other more charitable ones.

Apart from anything else, who's to know whether or not OP is a 'complete cow' to her mother.....

Please let us not go there! DM did a nice/manipulative thing with good/bad/neutral intent other than giving into DGC's possible whining.

As hinted above, if this is a Y6 prom then we all have far greater problems on our hands!

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:23

Yes, why is everyone blaming the DM??

TheWave · 02/02/2014 12:23

I'd be pleased it's sorted tbh.

Presumably a dress your DD likes and financed elsewhere. Otherwise it could be weeks trying to find one.

Original poster
Ladyfarquhar · 02/02/2014 12:23

She's 18. And no it's not the first incident with DM.

OP posts:
LucyLasticBand · 02/02/2014 12:25

but i spose your dd has her reasons. op. particularly at 18. she is an adult . could you tell your dd you are a bit upset that it wasnt the two of you.
she is probalby just thinking, dm will buy it and financially is probably the reason.
and at 18 no doubt she has her own mind, she made the choice about the dress.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:26

Oh ffs so she's an adult?

And the fact she chose to go shopping with your DM when she knew you wanted to take her is somehow your DM's fault?

Really? Why??

Corygal · 02/02/2014 12:26

Your DM saved you a lot of money and may have thought she was being kind to you and your DD.

Sightoabloodyscream · 02/02/2014 12:27

I guess it depends on the intentions of your mother. It's the kind of thing my mum would do - but not to be malicious; she'd think she was genuinely helping by spending the money for me, saving me a trip etc. She did this for ds' first birthday -turnign up with a birthday cake for him, even though I'd already made one. Again, in her eyes she was saving me trouble, but I (childishly, I know) did feel a bit like I'd had it taken out of my hands.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:27

Well the fact that she's 18 is a relief of sorts, but if she is 18 then surely DD is responsible?

You clearly do have a back story with DM and believe me I sympathise, but you are both grown women and should not be using your daughter as weapon, if that is what is happening (and DD should not be colluding with either of you in it)

saintmerryweather · 02/02/2014 12:28

Your dd is as much to blame as your mother, presumably she knew you wanted to help her find a dress

BellaVita · 02/02/2014 12:28

I too would be gutted.

LucyLasticBand · 02/02/2014 12:29

i agree saintmw.

how is your relsionthip with your dd generlaly?

is she trying to wind you up?
or is she just being selfish.