Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DM and DD1's prom dress

132 replies

Ladyfarquhar · 02/02/2014 12:11

I really don't know if I am bu, but I'm feeling a bit sad.

DD1 is having her end of school prom this summer, she is beginning to get a bit stressed as all her friends have gone shopping and seem to be all sorted. So, Friday evening it was arranged to go shopping but when it came to it she wanted to go with friends for food so I agreed to go another time. We have had a look on line and talked about what she was looking for and I was really looking forward to going with her to choose, and talked about making a day of it.

Last night she stayed at my DM, I don't have the best relationship with her but DD1 is her first grandchild and she does go on occasion and stay the night.

I texted this morning to ask if she wanted to go shopping for the dress today, but got no answer, I tried ringing but no answer, so just got on with house stuff.

I have just got a text from her saying she is in town with DM and she has her prom dress. I am gutted. I know the main thing was she has her dress but AIBU to think my DM would of asked me if it was something I would like to do before going? I know they wouldn't of gone to town and just happended to see a dress, it would of been pre planned as trips into town isn't something they have ever done before.

OP posts:

NadiaWadia · 02/02/2014 12:29

YABU. I don't see why you are so upset, really. Shouldn't you be pleased your DD has such a good relationship with her GM? Has your DM paid for it too? Personally, I would have been delighted!

You will have plenty of other opportunities to buy special dresses, eg wedding dress, with your DD I am sure.

Fairenuff · 02/02/2014 12:30

She is 18? Then I'm afraid YABU. It is up to your dd to make her own decisions now, she is an adult. Maybe she actually preferred going with your dm than you.

I went with my 16 year old dd and she absolutely hated anything I pointed out or said I liked. In the end we went again with one of her friends and I remained resolutely schtum

Maybe you could tell dd that you are disappointed that you didn't get to share choosing the dress but that you would like to help her with her hair, or whatever and make a firm arrangement.

Or buy her jewellery so that she has something special from to wear, now that you've got some spare money?

SantanaLopez · 02/02/2014 12:31

At 18, the fault is with your DD.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:32

My daughter's best friend's mother made her prom dress for her. I was delighted. Do was my daughter. And later on I was able to return the favour in kind.

You sound as though you have an awful lot too much vested in your relationship with your daughter Lady which is nice up to a point, but my sincere belief is that you can show your love best by letting her go and not being 'gutted' over such a relatively unimportant...and recently imported...event. Otherwise you may be heading for the same sort of relationship with her as you have with your mother.

Birdsgottafly · 02/02/2014 12:32

I have had to get over my middle DD choosing to do things with my eldest (ten years older) at times.

It sounds as though they planned it that way, whilst it's hurtful, be honest with yourself and ask if all three of you are a good mix?

It will be nice for your DD to have that memory of the time with her Nan, who she is close to.

Your Mum isn't a cow, she has formed a good relationship with your DD to the point that she stays overnight etc.

I am a bit pleased that I am my DD's shopping choice and now she is 18, it involves wine, or cocktails.

My DM is using a wheelchair now, so even imprinting meals out are out of the question, all year round.

You will have many years to come and shopping trips with your DD.

The first festival, holiday with the Boyfriend etc.

Sirzy · 02/02/2014 12:34

So an adult made a decision who to go shopping with and you are angry with the person she chose to go with?

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 12:35

18 year olds are often quite easily pushed around by more mature people, especially if they are using a bit of emotional blackmail.

YANBU to be pissed off because it's the kind of thing you should check before you muscle in.

It isn't about the dress. It's about the lack of consideration and communication.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:36

So an adult made a decision who to go shopping with and you are angry with the person she chose to go with?

What a deliciously succinct summary Sirzy

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:37

Goldmandra 18 year olds are also often capable of choosing a shopping partner without being 'pushed around' or 'emotionally blackmailed'.

Birdsgottafly · 02/02/2014 12:38

X post.

It's your DD's choice.

She has another significant female besides from you, in her life, that is a good thing.

It could of been the case of you handing her the money and her going with friends.

There isn't one blueprint to these things.

I would combine shoe shopping with cocktails.

Original poster

Ladyfarquhar · 02/02/2014 12:38

Thanks, I guess I am being a bit u. I am aware that it is more to do with my relationship with DM than the action of buying the dress. I don't think I would have an issue if our relationship was in a good place but it is far from it. I may be a bit paranoid she has tried to be very controlling in the past so what may of been an act of kindness just feels a bit tainted. I will speak to dd when she's home.

OP posts:

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:38

especially if they are using a bit of emotional blackmail

Complete conjecture....and even the OP has not suggested that her DD may have been 'emotionally blackmailed'

LucyLasticBand · 02/02/2014 12:39

op do you feel your dd was probably persuaded to go against her wishes, and that she didnt like to say No.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:40

Lady you are a gentlewoman and very sensible, as evidenced by your last post.

Am I being TERRIBLY patronising ?

Smartiepants79 · 02/02/2014 12:40

I would by hurt that my daughter, who knew I was interested and excited to do this with her, had gone off and done it without me.
Only you can know whether you think your DMs intentions were good or not.
I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset, I know my mum would have been.
Yes, she is an adult and can choose for herself and yes, you haven't had to pay for it but what could have been a special time for you and your DD has been spoilt.
Make all the right noises about the dress but maybe tell her you feel you missed out and arrange another day for just the two of you.

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 12:41

tbf i dont think the op is angry she is hurt and wanted to go with her daughter to pick her dress as a mum and daughter thing incidently i didnt go with my 18 yr old to pick her dress she chose it online all i had to do was pay for it but the op just wanted a nice day with her dd and felt grandma had over stepped the mark it really isn't a huge deal and she does need to move on, but she is gutted that she couldnt get to go,

FootieOnTheTelly · 02/02/2014 12:42

I was suprised at how much fun my DDs and I had choosing their prom dresses. They had their proms at 16. We are not particularly 'girly' females in our family but it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. I would have missed it.

Fairenuff · 02/02/2014 12:44

I would by hurt that my daughter, who knew I was interested and excited to do this with her, had gone off and done it without me.

But wouldn't that make you controlling and doing exactly what caused OP to have a difficult relationship with her own mother?

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:52

The DD does sound pretty much caught in the middle here

If she ever gets married, it wouldn't surprise me if she chose the dress with a friend.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 12:52

18 year olds are also often capable of choosing a shopping partner without being 'pushed around' or 'emotionally blackmailed'.

If I were suggesting to a teenager that we did something like that I would also suggest that they checked with their mum because my age and parenting experience gives me more insight into how the mother might feel than an 18 year old might have.

Many 18 year olds would find it quite hard to turn down an elderly relative offering to buy them a lovely gift like a prom dress and it takes quite a lot of self confidence to say "Hang on. I just need to check with my mum" when the other person is making it clear that they feel it is not necessary.

Most people who are parents themselves would realise that choosing a prom dress is a bit special and the mother might be quite looking forward to it. A quick call to check isn't a lot to ask.

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 12:54

(goldmara i agree with you she maybe an adult but come on she is still in school and granny had offered she might not have thought to ring her mum and say do you want to come she probbaly got caught up in the excitement of it all, 18yr olds can be pretty thoughtless tbh

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:55

Seriously?

She's 18, not 12.

That's more than old enough to take responsibility for her own actions.

dontmakeascene · 02/02/2014 12:56

Isn't this a long, long build up to what I assume will be a Summer prom?? Is this what happens these days? Or is it that all the dresses get bought in the January (February sales?). Or are you projecting forward and worrying about your mother taking over when it comes to your daughter's wedding??!

I just hope that you like the dress, or if you don't, you don't say that you don't. Why not say to your daughter "what a shame I would have LOVED to come too, we could have made an event of it and had a lady's lunch etc.. " And I hope you've spoken to your Mum and said "you shouldn't have! How kind and generous of you to fork out for her dress - thank you SO much!"

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:56

And it would have been quite simple for the DD to call/text her Mum but she chose not to.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 12:58

Most people who are parents themselves would realise that choosing a prom dress is a bit special

a) the daughter is not a parent herself, the DGM obviously is but she doesn't seem to be the personal most grata in her daughter's life, but just as likely thought it was her DGD's decision to make

b) Choosing a prom dress is NOT a big deal. It's a very very new deal. No reason why it shouldn't be turned into a fun event, but DGM can surely be forgiven for not realising the world now turns on such matters

c) I am a parent of a 'prommed' daughter and as I have said, I was delighted and relieved that someone else's mum made it for her. And my daughter and I are very close.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6