Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM and DD1's prom dress

132 replies

Ladyfarquhar · 02/02/2014 12:11

I really don't know if I am bu, but I'm feeling a bit sad.

DD1 is having her end of school prom this summer, she is beginning to get a bit stressed as all her friends have gone shopping and seem to be all sorted. So, Friday evening it was arranged to go shopping but when it came to it she wanted to go with friends for food so I agreed to go another time. We have had a look on line and talked about what she was looking for and I was really looking forward to going with her to choose, and talked about making a day of it.

Last night she stayed at my DM, I don't have the best relationship with her but DD1 is her first grandchild and she does go on occasion and stay the night.

I texted this morning to ask if she wanted to go shopping for the dress today, but got no answer, I tried ringing but no answer, so just got on with house stuff.

I have just got a text from her saying she is in town with DM and she has her prom dress. I am gutted. I know the main thing was she has her dress but AIBU to think my DM would of asked me if it was something I would like to do before going? I know they wouldn't of gone to town and just happended to see a dress, it would of been pre planned as trips into town isn't something they have ever done before.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 12:58

That's more than old enough to take responsibility for her own actions.

...and young enough not to realise that this might upset her mother.

Taking responsibility once she realises she has upset someone is a different matter.

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 12:59

yes she did choose not to text you are right worra but maybe granny put pressure on her it isn't a random pal it is her gran maybe the girl felt obliged, I dunno the girl and gran could have skipped off merrily and not given mum a second thought but also it could have been a bit of granny pressure too

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/02/2014 12:59

I thought it was obvious that the reason that LadyF is so upset is that she suspects her DM did not do this from a good place. Perhaps she is a wonderful granny or perhaps she deliberately did this to upset her own daughter.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 13:00

Yes but either way it's still the DD's fault. If she didn't realise it would upset her mother, she'll no doubt learn from it.

It's just a shame that there's such a hoo-haa over buying a dress for a school leaver's do.

The poor girl shouldn't be stuck in the middle of her Mum and her Nan.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2014 13:00

Of course she is old enough to be responsible for her own actions.

She is also old enough to realise that her mum might have been looking forward to the trip and be hurt by the change.

She actually dropped her mum twice. I would have been hurt too.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 13:01

the daughter is not a parent herself

Exactly my point.

Choosing a prom dress is NOT a big deal. It's a very very new deal.

Not to you perhaps but who would know that if they didn't ask? It doesn't have to be a long established tradition to be a lovely mother-daughter occasion

specialsubject · 02/02/2014 13:02

not sure why anyone would be 'gutted'. She went to buy a frock with someone else. Brilliant - you didn't have to spend a boring day shopping.

also buying a dress months in advance? Wow, sheep central all round.

it's only a party. What a fuss about nothing. may this be the worst thing that happens to you.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 13:02

The poor girl shouldn't be stuck in the middle of her Mum and her Nan

Precisely. To be fair I think OP has acknowledged this, but others are still getting quite excited about it. Ah the joys of AIBU!

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2014 13:02

Choosing a prom dress is NOT a big deal. It's a very very new deal. No reason why it shouldn't be turned into a fun event, but DGM can surely be forgiven for not realising the world now turns on such matters

How old is the DGM I wonder?

My experience with buying prom dresses goes back 18 years.

I hate the whole hoo-ha. but I think it's around to stay.

bodygoingsouth · 02/02/2014 13:03

I think you should let it go. she's an adult and probably wanted to go by herself or with friends in the first place.

she could stall you but not her gran maybe?

personally I hate shopping with other people as don't like to chat crap when I am in a mission to get a dress.

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 13:04

prom isnt a new thing or a leavers DO they had one for the seniors when i was in school decades ago, I left in 4th year though so it was for 6th years ,

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/02/2014 13:05

Yes, its definitely not fair to be stuck between mum and gran. I've been in a similar situation and its horrible for everyone really.

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 13:07

Apologies Goldmandra but when you say 'exactly my point' to my statement that DD is not a parent, it is in fact exactly the reverse of your point that 'most people who are parents should realise...'

It doesn't have to be a long established tradition to be a lovely mother-daughter occasion

Now this is a point I DID make

No reason why it shouldn't be turned into a fun event, but DGM can surely be forgiven for not realising the world now turns on such matters

and the fact that it is new is hugely relevant in this case. DGM probably sees it as Worra so rightly says, a school -leavers' do. Special Subject: it's only a party

gotthemoononastick · 02/02/2014 13:08

I did this to my poor mother in the sixties!Granny thought very,very short mini dress with white lace stockings and black eyes fab.Mother not so much.

Teens are very sneaky and manipulative.Granny was queen Bountiful for the day!!Poor Mum,looking back 100 years!

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 13:08

Yes, its definitely not fair to be stuck between mum and gran.

Absolutely and, if you want to have a good relationship with family members, you check before doing something that might be stepping on their toes. Then you don't end up putting your DGD in that position.

If you don't care about their feelings you go right ahead and make sure they can't get hold of you until you are ready to present the fait accompli Smile

Viviennemary · 02/02/2014 13:09

It is annoying. But who is paying for the dress? If you are being expected to pay for it then the whole thing is totally out of order. If your DD is buying her own dress then I'd be a bit irritated but would let it go.

following · 02/02/2014 13:10

i would be pleased my dd had the dress and saved me the stress and expense of it all , i doubt it was done in malice .

Grennie · 02/02/2014 13:13

Did your DD actually want to go dress shopping with you? Would you have let her choose what she wanted, or would you have pressured her to wear what you wanted her to wear? I may be projecting, and if I am sorry. But sometimes there are real reasons people choose to do things.

Original poster
Ladyfarquhar · 02/02/2014 13:13

Blush I'm so embarrassed. She has just come home without the dress. When I asked where it was she said she wanted me to go with her to try it on.

When I have re read her text it said. "Me and dgm have found a dress" there was no bought/got/have.

I am ridiculous and I apologise.

OP posts:
Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 13:14

If you don't care about their feelings you go right ahead and make sure they can't get hold of you until you are ready to present the fait accompli

I agree with this...but I still don't see how it is DGM's fault. Whilst I agree that it is not fair for the daughter to be a pawn in the game, she is still grown up enough to have contacted her mum!

Think I may have to let this one drop now...

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 13:15

och no oh well all this hooha for nothing they were just looking jeez lady you are going to have a heart attack before she goes to this prom CHILL OUT Grin

Mineisthefinalword · 02/02/2014 13:15

Ladyfarquhar I think I love you!!

But please can I have the last 45 minutes back!!!

Flowers Wine Cake

Fairenuff · 02/02/2014 13:15

Many 18 year olds would find it quite hard to turn down an elderly relative offering to buy them a lovely gift like a prom dress and it takes quite a lot of self confidence to say "Hang on. I just need to check with my mum" when the other person is making it clear that they feel it is not necessary.

Firstly, there is a lot of assumption that the 18 year old didn't want to go with the DGM. I don't know where this comes from, nothing the OP has said indicates this.

It is far more likely that 18 year old was delighted to go with granny and so that's what she did.

Secondly, if an 18 year old cannot call her mum to check in, she has far more problems than shopping.

What if she were on a night out with friends and was being pressured to do something? What if she got into a difficult situation? She has to be able to call her mum or anyone else that she wants to or she isn't going to be safe in the world.

Sounds to me like DGM offered to take her and she accepted. Nothing wrong with this.

The problem is between OP and her mother.

OP you really need to let go, there will be more let downs like this, and worse, as she continues to grow and the more you show her your disappointment, the less likely she is to include you.

She is an adult making her own choices of her own free will and if she lets others influence her, she will learn from it and put it down to experience.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 13:16

Mine

Most people who are parents themselves (i.e. the grandmother) would realise that choosing a prom dress is a bit special and the mother might be quite looking forward to it. A quick call (from the GM to her DD before offering) to check isn't a lot to ask.

Fairenuff · 02/02/2014 13:19

Ah just read your update OP! There you go, she did behave like an adult and made her own decisions. Letting go is hard but necessary to build up trust.

Swipe left for the next trending thread