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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder how working parents manage without extended family support?

309 replies

SatsumaSatsuma · 01/02/2014 08:12

I supposedly have the ultimate family friendly job. I am a part -time teacher, so work term time only, 4 (part) days a week. I often finish early enough to pick up my 2dds from school.

However, despite the seemingly convenient nature of my job, I have depended on grandparents (during January only) to:
-collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town
-look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
-look after dd2 while she has INSET day
look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
-collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
-have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous amount of help to need, for 2 dc, when I work term time only, P/T?

AIBU to think that it would be unbelievably stressful trying to work without their support, to the point that it wouldn't even seem viable?

Got me thinking...How on earth do others manage to work, have DC without family support?

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/02/2014 16:40

I think a lot of people have a bit of a fear of helping each other out, or "looking after each others kids".
It's a life saver for me. Maybe it's cos I have one child, so he gets lonely in the holidays anyway, and extra kids=company.
I grew up like that though-we would go to particular neighbours if parents were working late, and always had random children at the table/overnight.
I used to babysit our ndn little girl when I was about 13/14; she was a lone parent, and on occasional nights out she would drop the little girl off at ours, and she would sleep on the camp bed in my room!

ManateeEquineOHara · 01/02/2014 16:47

I'm single and have no local family. I have just had to pay lots of child care costs and take time off when they are ill. Sometimes in the school holidays my parents have them for a bit and that is amazing and convenient!

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 01/02/2014 16:48

No help here.

It seemed easier when ds was in nursery because it was open all year. Dh and I both work full time. I went back to work after self employment because DH had agreed to work a term time pattern. This has been rescinded and we don't have enough annual leave to cover the summer recess. We are using our leave for different holidays and haven't planned anything for the three of us together. I can't find full time childcare for the summer holidays and I don't know what we are going to do. I feel sick.

Starballbunny · 01/02/2014 16:56

You don't you end up stuck as a SAHM.

Irritatingly as soon as my DDs moved to senior school an before/after school club started Angry

dollywobbles · 01/02/2014 16:58

I haven't found it too hard (yet!), no help here from any family. At all, ever.
We pay for some childcare, I work some funny shifts to allow school pick up and we have an arrangement with friends. They do wrap around one day a week and drop off one day a week and in return I have their baby one day a week. It seems to work well.
My DS has SN and it is tricky juggling all the appointments, but we manage. I can build up flexi if I do a few really early starts, so I do that.
I have no leave left though, too many illneses have seen to that, and an operation that required 2 weeks off!

greenfolder · 01/02/2014 17:15

well meanwhile back in the real world.

when eldest dds were young, dh self employed, so no holiday pay. I got 22 days a year holiday.

dds had the usual 12 weeks a year holiday which was ok because it meant paying for holiday clubs.

but what killed it was the random, ad hoc days. at the time the entire school closed every polling day. In one spring term there were 2 insets and 2 polling day closures.

if i remember correctly I took unpaid for 3 of them to much huffing and then rang in sick for the last one

Dahlen · 01/02/2014 17:21

I'm a single parent of two with no family support. I work full time and manage an active social life and indulge hobbies. I pay for it dearly but it is worth it. I have a network of friends who I rely on for emergency situations, although I use friends like this only in emergencies in the interest of maintaining our friendships by not taking the piss.

What I have spent on childcare over the years would make you weep.

Dahlen · 01/02/2014 17:23

When DC started nursery and caught every bug going for 6 months, I frequently found myself unable to use the childcare I'd already paid for (not the nursery/CM's fault). In a situation where you can't ask friend X again you do the only thing left to you - use up leave. For a 2-year period I didn't take any proper holidays because I saved my leave for precisely this sort of situation. That was hard.

Noggie · 01/02/2014 17:29

It's like spinning plates! Costs a fortune.... Generally doable as no alternative but as soon as anyone is ill it is a nightmare! My dd1 once asked how ill she needs to be before I can stay at home with her = guilt in buckets. Unfortunately she wrote this down in her school 'diary' so it's in black and white for posterity!

hoboken · 01/02/2014 17:32

I managed only because I had a boss who understood that a single parent may have to stay home to care for a sick child and who knew that I had to leave work on time for school pick-ups. I had no family help at all and very little from friends. She also allowed time off for sports days etc. I made up the time during those weekends when DD visited her father. My boss had been a single parent herself with no support. I realise how lucky I was.

pussycatdoll · 01/02/2014 17:35

Me & dh have no help either
The hardest thing us not using our leave together
& I'm currently getting grief from friends because I have no leave for a hen night ( we both work weekends ) & we're using leave for the bloody wedding

Sorry rant over !

LittleYellowDuck · 01/02/2014 18:25

Me and my work full time, usually opposite shifts ie if one of us starts at 6am the other starts at 1pm til 10pm so that they can do drop off
Pay loads of money for childcare
If the kids are ill then the childminder calls, either one of us has to leave work and collect kids .
With my work it is Unpaid leave when its your kids that are ill so not ideal cos you are still paying the full day childcare fee plus having your own wages docked ...

Quoteunquote · 01/02/2014 18:56

We manage by being self employed, juggling between us.

We never had help, we never could leave the children with any sort of child care as they have medical conditions.

We both work sixty plus hours a week, so it always been a case of mucking in.

AmIthatWintry · 01/02/2014 19:06

I'm on my own with occasional help from family, but certainly not regular, nor could I depend on it.

I work FT, spend a fortune on childcare. DD has ASD and I have no idea what I'm going to do when she turns 15, as she will be too old for after school club.

I've just had to get on with it. Take A/L if I need to go to appointments, etc. I'm lucky that my employer doesn't mind me occasionally working from home, but the reality is I have had to limit my ambition. I can't have the job that I really really want as I can't commit to it and I am constantly clock watching and running from one place to the next, mostly for DD. I don't have a social life anymore.

Ex-H, on the other hand, can do what he wants career wise, without a second thought.

BrandNewIggi · 01/02/2014 19:09

Two teachers, so no annual leave to take either. I take both dcs everywhere on my days off, no one to mind one. Haven't Sussex out inset days yet.

Oubliette0292 · 01/02/2014 19:34

It is very difficult. DH commutes to London for work, so it always falls to me to pick up sick children from school and deal with doctors/dentists appointments. If I miss work, then I have to take that time as leave (my boss has a wife who is a SAHM, and he just doesn't understand how difficult it is to juggle childcare and thus tends to be very unsympathetic).

Other than that, we take leave to cover any time the DC are sick (and then do the work we had planned for that day anyway as our jobs are highly deadline-focused and it usually isn't possible to postpone the work). We use holiday clubs during school holidays and breakfast clubs/after school clubs during term time. It is still very tight (it was much easier when they went to nursery).

I hate inset days with a passion - the local holiday clubs don't cover them, so we have to take annual leave. This is particularly bad at the moment as DD moved school this year (from lower to middle), so we are now juggling more inset days than previously (they don't all coincide). We also need to cover any polling days as DS's school is closed (there is a lot more democracy around than I realised - and even when the election date is known well in advance, e.g. Euro elections, it is apparently not possible to schedule an inset day to coincide with polling day).

We also have to coordinate our diaries very carefully as we can't both be away travelling at the same time. We rarely get an evening out together (haven't managed this since November last year). We rarely get to take annual leave at the same time (we're lucky if we get 10 days per year to coincide, and even this is split between summer/Christmas holidays).

KingRollo · 01/02/2014 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOldestCat · 01/02/2014 19:48

It is stressful. DH and I work 60 miles away from home so that makes things extra difficult. Recently DS had chicken pox, asked my parents if they would help (they aren't local so gave then a few days notice) - they said no. Fair enough. Am v jealous of those with local help. I never want to ask SAHM friends as I don't want to take the piss.

SleepPleaseSleep · 01/02/2014 19:56

With bloody great difficulty is short answer. I'm an sahm at mo, so ok, but worry about restarting work. Here in belgium there are after school and holiday clubs - if we move back to uk, they largely don't exist and we are on our own. Flexible working is getting less and less easy to find (is any work in uk).

If notnowwhen, remember nowadays there are laws against letting neighbours look after your kids - no matter how short a time, if you're looking rafter kids other than own you need a childminders licence.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/02/2014 20:45

Every school I know in the UK has an after school club. You only need a licence if you are being paid. I am talking about playdates, just at times where it is mutually convenient RE work.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/02/2014 20:45

And the kids I do swaps with are ds's friends, and I know their parents-not just random neighbours!

Coldlightofday · 01/02/2014 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandNewIggi · 01/02/2014 20:52

Holiday clubs where I live (swimming, football etc) keep really strange hours - 10-1, for example, so still no use.

Play dates can work for one child. Harder with two, especially with an age difference.
Ds's school has an after school club, 3 year waiting list I was told.

BrandNewIggi · 01/02/2014 20:56

I don't know anyone to do swaps with, the women I know with dcs also have family locally so it would be just me taking childcare, they don't need it back.

phlebasconsidered · 01/02/2014 21:02

I'm a teacher. I manage with breakfast club, after school club, and if anyone is ill, oh screw.

For the first day, if it's really spewing type illness, exorcist style, then I have to take a day off. If it's not quite that, then I can usually get MIL to sit for a day. Otherwise, ARGGH! Because, as a teacher, obviously, i'm meant to go in with a limb hanging off, whatever. I have to cobble it together with whatever I can and force them into school, really, just like everyone else.

I'm lucky in that my kids are healthy, but i'm also at that stage where they are both so sick of pre and after school club that as soon as they twig that being sick is some actual time with their mother, they'll be hurling at any opportunity. Pouring cans of Scotch Broth down the loo and trying it on.