To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

I doubt the MIL has the faintest idea. You tell people, they think you're lying. You explain to people, they think you're exaggerating. Then when they see - they either apologise & muck in, or more commonly they hit denial & blame you. Been There Done That Got The T Shirt.

A lot of people think autism means being a bit geeky on computers. They have no concept of the day to day reality & how it affects everything (why would they - it's far removed from norm). This thread is an example of that - where people have seen the OP as obstructive & difficult. Ds1 is 100 million times less feral than he was at 3, and can cope with a lot more - but we still had a family row this year because dh & I refused to put him into a situation where he would have been stressed to the point of head butting the walls & we would have been lacerated. Even with exposure people don't Get It - they still think you can just Tell Him.

Hopefully MIL will be in the roll up her sleeves and muck in camp - even if she is giving her her own space us kinder for her, let alone everyone else.

Saintly, perhaps the MIL has been told fully or perhaps just a bit of information in the past, or perhaps very little. She has not seen the child since he was a baby, so her knowledge is very limited. Please cut her some slack too. It really doesn't sound like she just fancied a holiday and didn't care that it would be difficult for the Op.

As you say, she will see and probably be shocked. It is not her fault that it is beyond her experience so far. The Op describes her as someone who will get involved and help. Having seen, perhaps she will tell other family members so they know too. You can only know if you are told and as you say you can only fully know when you have seen it. The MIL and most of us on here haven't.
I do wonder about the OPs husband in all this. Does he communicate with his mother and rest of the family?

I really hope this visit isn't a terrible burden for the OP and that they gain support as a result of it, in some form, both during and after the visit.

I haven't slagged off the MIL at all.

More trying to explain to those on this thread who think the OP is being unreasonable for 'refusing' to play happy families (she's not refusing, she can't ).

This takes me back to our early intervention days. That is such a crucial age for making a difference, I remember how draining it was. I feel for you.

Ds is a million miles on from those days now and is only very mildly on the spectrum. We live in a uk holiday destination and are deluged with visitors every school holiday. It always affects ds and he plays up in ways he never normally would. It's exhausting trying to manage him and cater for guests so I try and keep visitors to a more manageable level.

Yanbu in the slightest. You sound a really kind, thoughtful person doing your best in a really tough situation.

My goodness I can't believe people don't get this...

My son has ASD and I haven't had staying over visitors for about 2yrs... It means my son sharing his space (his SAFE space) and it's just too difficult for him...
Yes even elderly relatives, yes even at Christmas...

They are adults and can look after themselves... My son does not have that luxury so I protect his interests.
There are alternatives, you can still have memories and they will be precious all the same.

Trucks... You must be exhausted & feel so alone at times but your reasons to stay abroad are spot on.., there is little therapy in the UK... Infact getting a diagnosis of autism seems to be reason to discharge for some services

Sounds like your MIL is trying to understand - talk to her when she with you.., don't hide the issues from her too much, let her in to your lives a little bit. Have some information ready for her about autism too... If she hasn't seen him since he was a baby she may well not be expecting to see his autistic behaviours even if you have told her My dad is continually surprised when he sees it and he only lives down the road He also sees passed them far more than I do and he loves him

Be prepared for a whole host of emotions for you all - you sound to be doing a grand job

Glad you have found a solution. Hopefully when mil has been once she might be willing to fly alone next year and visit at a more suitable time (and arrange her own hotel).

Life sounds very tough. I'm sure if u explain all his behaviours, need for routine, how to give him space, mil will happily follow your lead. Then you could follow with 'if you visit next year at x time ds will be off school and hotels so much cheaper'

Have you started prepping ds with a photo of granny for her visit and talking about her. Iv found laying some ground work can help with new people.

Well done Op for gritting your teeth and having that conversation. It must have been really hard. And £500 over 3 years isn't so bad (easier if you think of spreading it over the 3 years!)

I don't think a lot of posters here realise what autism involves. Routine is (and has to be) God. Deviations from routine are not just disconcerting but actually terrifying for an autistic child. A new unknown person staying in the house - one who doesn't know the child and their preferences/fears etc would not contribute to happy family time, but upset the child, possibly for weeks. Op's priority has to be her child, then her DP. The rest of the family comes after that.

I appreciate MIL is a nice person, if somewhat presumptuous, but she is a stranger with (presumably) no experience of SN.

Well done for sorting it out. Have a gin!

I drink gin... Must be an autism parent thing

Defo do the prep work the others suggest... I find it really works and it won't hurt

OP I admire you.

Fanjo's posts are spot on.

I have a child with autism and three bedrooms in the house but his sister can not have friends over for a sleepover. He doesn't sleep anyway and would be constantly jumping on them throughout the night.

When the ILs come they DO NOT STAY IN THE HOUSE for very long because of the realities of autism. This has been proved over several years. OP hasn't had that experience but I can completely understand her concern.

And I have to agree that I would go insane also stop coping if I had no down-time after the DC had gone to bed.

Glad it has all worked out.

I really do wonder about the reading comprehension levels/imagination of some people.

I haven't a clue what it's really like to have an autistic child, but from reading posts on here I can begin to imagine what it's like. And one thing I really have grasped is how difficult it is for the child to have their routine changed and for strangers (because that's what the OP's inlaws are) to suddenly appear in their lives.

The inlaws have sprung this on the OP. She didn't get the chance to plan it so that she can make everything as smooth as possible for all concerned. And it is going to cost her money that she actually doesn't have. (Cannot believe the poster with the 5 bedroom house and the attitude!) So why should she just suck it up without being a little teensy bit stressed about it all? I think (hope)it may go better than she expects, but there's no guarantee.

And the bottom line is, they will all go home, hopefully having enjoyed a nice holiday while the OP and her DP have got to deal with a possibly distressed child who will need easing back into his life.

So, please forgive her if she isn't feeling especially gracious or hospitable. We don't live her life and sometimes we do actually have to take what a poster says as gospel as far as their own lives are concerned.

And VikingLady - you sound like the sort of lady who gets it... Please could you look at my post in Secondary Education

Sorry OP to gatecrash

Good luck OP.So hope that you all have a lovely time.Especially the little boy.
Be prepared for the Gran's shock when she sees the reality of your son's condition.I say this after seeing another 'travelling Granny's' reaction. She had to finally face something similar.Far different to hearing about it.Initially after much willfull denial.

know though, that this woman will love her grandson fiercely,no matter what.

Nanny

^What that lady said^^

And the bottom line is, they will all go home, hopefully having enjoyed a nice holiday while the OP and her DP have got to deal with a possibly distressed child who will need easing back into his life.

This.

Aw, it sounds like a one off. If you're in different countries, then enjoy the time you've got an attentive grandparent as it doesn't sound like something that happens every day from a visiting point of view.
If it was every freakin' DAY you saw in laws when somedays you all just wanted to be left alone, I could see your point.
In other countries, nope, not so much. Suck it up, it's not for long and then you can relax again

Nanny0gg - Spot on. And will add on 'empathy' to 'reading comprehension levels/imagination of some people'

Op - wishing you well. Sounds like you have enough on your plate without visitors. Hope it turns out to be a lovely visit and that you all manage to enjoy it.

Maybe suggest to MIL that she reads George & Sam on the way over. Charlotte Moore has an engaging way of explaining autism - and because she has two sons at different points of the spectrum can discuss a whole range of issues. So for example if your son has eating issues, knowing another child would only eat Parma violets might stop an unwanted 'he'll eat when he's hungry' comment

Well said Nanny Ogg. My son is 6 and loves having visits from grandparents, but they live local and it's all done within a restricted time frame. Even so, it is still difficult and there is a fallout, that they don't get to see. My mum continuously talks to him, which winds him up and then when he gets upset carries on even more along the lines of, "Aw what's up. Don't you like my talking" (err no, obviously not). My mil has always thought everything is my fault, although she would never say, so I let her get on with it. The eating issue is hilarious, she will sit there tasting all manner of different things in over exaggerated tones looking very smug and then wilts when he doesn't respond. I don't intervene these days, I let her find out for herself as I know she is incapable of taking my opinions on board. All this put aside, he does enjoy and anticipate seeing them. If mil can stay somewhere else, it could be fab, she can get to know him slowly and you need to prepare her not to take things personally. My son used to cry at the sight of both his grandmothers for several years and they did. I never have overnight guests, it would be pointless, I would have no time to speak or entertain them - I'm too busy settling to sleep etc and I can imagine all the comments and looks while I'm trying to do what needs to be done would send me into orbit! (but I am an arsey mare, even more so these days!!) Good luck. Those of us who parent kids with ASD get it. Unfortunately no-one else does!

ps there's a saying along the lines of, "If you've met one child with autism, you've met one child with autism". It affects children differently, the people saying they have a child with autism and would have no problem with this don't have YOUR child with autism. The one piece advice I have taken on board from my son's special school was to have confidence in your own parenting of your child. I think it was a lovely thing for them to say (having experienced the opposite in mainstream) and it is so true.

As this thread has evolved, the level if SN that the OPs son has, has become clearer. More information has been given. People have modified their views in light of that. I certainly have. The initial post just referred to SN, but was not specific. SN could be fairly minor, meaning hosting a relative would not be a big issue. I don't think it was unreasonable of posters to take different views at that point.
It then became more apparent from the OP that her son has autism which has all kinds of difficult implications. Once people knew that (and you have to remember that people don't always read the full post, sometimes just the opening information. I'm sure we have all been guilty of that) there was more understanding of the OPs difficult position and perhaps why she didn't want visitors.
Another thing to remember, those of you who have been so critical of those who said the OP was unreasonable, is that, on a forum like this, people are asking a question about their circumstances (which are never fullyknown) but because we don't have the full story, by nature, many answers will be theoretical. So without the info about the sons autism, the thread focused around people views about hospitality, assumptions and relatives. Many answers were not about the OPs specific case. When we don't know the full story (which we don't here) all we can do, is relate our understanding of similar situations within our own experience to the OPs.
So, if you post on open, anonymous forums, you will always receive answers which don't fully take into account your particular situation and by asking if you are unreasonable, you are actually inviting people to say you are. There is a failure to understand sometimes, not due to a lack of empathy etc. but through lack of knowledge. As one poster upthread said, every autistic child is different. We have not met the OPs son or seen her circumstances, so giving an fully informed view is very difficult.
OP I think everyone would now recognise your situation is very difficult. We hope the visit is as much a success as possible.

BIL doesn't get it at all and hasn't thought to ever ask,
The comment re 500 quid down meals and

op I am a one to one TA with a child who has autism.

I am absolutely drained at the end of a 5 hour day but I can go home and relax/sleep all night.

I admire his parents and other parents like you so much, it's very bloody hard. .

BIL doesn't get it at all and hasn't thought to ever ask,
The comment re 500 quid down, meals and free run of apartment probably does look ungracious if yiu don't know reality. Reality is I have no time to cook actual meals for people who expect to sit with cutlery at table and make conversation so offering that is a big deal. Normally

Skip breakfast
Eat same as DS for lunch or bowl microwave veg/bag salad plus cold chicken leg or fish from night before
5pm eat same as DS. DH usually at work.
If he isn't I bung some chicken legs or other protein in oven and open bag of spinach or microwave veg.

Eaten on sofa then bed.

Food is astronomical here: 8 small lamb chops is 35 quid.
All fresh veg flown in and goes off in a day.
Producing nice food for guests and shopping for it is a nightmare.

It's cheaper to eat out and all previous visitors have done this or grabbed cheese fruit and toast for themselves. They take themselves off to beach all day and enjoy themselves. They stay away during our 2 hour bedtime routine.

And they don't room in.

So a granny who wants to eat meals at table off plates in leisurely manner with Ds and DH and me, and BIL etc is a strain. As is her wanting to be in house all the time especially at bedtime.

Unfortunately what she would like isn't deliverable. All visitors so far have been up for tropical holiday and catching us when they can, including my family. Granny not interested in beach, boat trips etc and wants to be here. All the time. Not unreasonable at all - but sadly not deliverable.

I can't wait to see her reaction to DS still BF aged 3, or how he eats watching iPad in high chair whilst I post food in after we have done mandatory cutlery attempt. How DH and I grab food standing up and have lost all our social graces through exhaustion.

BIL has no clue: I hope he is off at beach most of the time enjoying it because that would be a help.

We will do our best anyway: cooking a couple of evening meals once DS in bed and going out in evening with them all twice is do-able. I guess they will see why DS can't do restaurants when they get here.

Thanks and to all who got it and/or have been there.

I think she will get it when she is with you. Very hard to imagine or fully understand what you have described, without seeing it. I feel like I'm getting it, more and more, but my understanding must be limited as I've not been in that situation.
You sound like you are worried about being judged, as if it is all somehow your fault or you are not doing it right. Your MIL does not sound like that kind of person and I'm sure will see how hard things are for you. As you say, she will probably be pleased to get away to her hotel in the evening, but I would think she will appreciate that for you, escape isn't possible.
I can see that having staying guests isn't possible and I'm sure she will appreciate that too. Hopefully she will leave with a better understanding and share that with the family (as far as it is possible to share it with people who have not seen it) giving them a greater understanding of what you are going through. Their ability to support you emotionally or just to empathise and love you might then be higher. I hope so. Most people don't wilfully misunderstand.

And I don't know if this is helpful or not.......you sound like you want comments from those who have been there and experienced what you have....not the rest of us, who don't really understand what you are going through.
Have you posted on the SN boards, because I hear there is some wonderful support there from people who really know. Sorry if you are doing that already or I am stating the obvious.