To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

"lovely" MILs don't suddenly invite themselves to stay with you without checking that you both have room and that that week is convenient. I would never just invite myself to anyone's house.
If you don't have a spare bedroom then you don't have a spare bedroom and people who want to see you need to sort out their own accommodation. Not to do so is very selfish and thoughtless. Not "lovely" at all.
I would be booking her into BIL's hotel.

But 2Rebecca she's clearly arranged to come that week, as it means she won't have to negotiate the flights, etc on her own, she can travel with the BiL - you seem to be suggesting that she's just randomly decided to pick that week.
You don't need a spare bedroom to be able to put up family for goodness sake!

Oh I love Floortime.... but I'm guessing her understanding of it will be that it all magically works - when of course it isn't quite like that.

OP - can you e-mail your BIL again and ask if his office/travel agent can help find MIL a room? Often I have looked myself and not found anything but then the travel agent for our company is able to get much better deals.

Actually, BIL and MIL have created this problem, they've not bothered to check if there's space, they've not bothered to check if the timings work for you. They've just assumed that because this works for them, it will magically work for you. They should be putting effort into fixing it.

As you said, your DS might kick off when Granny arrives, you can't assume it'll be ok and there's no Plan B if he doesn't cope, Granny will be there for a week.

Alternatively, can MIL change her flights for your holiday/half term time? She might not like flying alone, but she's an adult without SEN, she can cope far better with change and uncertainty than your DS.

OP, YANBU. And I think you have sounded quite gracious on this thread as you've had quite a lot of being told to get on with it.

Some people like the whole pile in together thing and some people don't. I also need to have some space to myself every day, even if it's just ten minutes, and I like to sleep in my own bed. My in-laws like us to sleep in their bed when we stay at theirs and I loathe it and feel so uncomfortable and guilty and would far far far rather stay in a travel-lodge or something which they would never countenance. People have different ways of doing things.

You sound like you're a real trooper who's got a very finely tuned life to meet DS's needs and that you don't need any complications. Your MIL should most definitely have asked if she could stay. I hope she sorts a hotel room and that all this dread can dissipate. I used to live in the tropics too and it can be tough.

Hang in there, hopefully it'll all get sorted out and if it's not hopefully it'll be quick and less painful than feared.

I think a lot of people on this thread are completely overlooking the fact that the OPs DS has autism. It may well be that he literally screams non stop for the entire week because there's a stranger in his house, sleeping in his parent's bed.

I have seen an autistic child scream solidly for 3hours because the school crossing lady had bought herself a new hat which happened to be a different colour from her usual one. He then refused point blank to go to school for 2days because of it.

Most people should thank their lucky stars that they never need to feel the utter physical and emotional exhaustion which comes from parenting a child with autism or other SNs which require endless hours of therapy and leave little head space for anything else.

So stop telling the OP to get a grip, that it's only a week and that she should give up her bed and have allow a lovely GP/GC bonding week which is very unlikely to happen due to him being a 3yr old with ASD and SPD.

Sorry, OP, that wasn't helpful to you in the slightest. I have no suggestion other than trying to get your DH to take a few days off. Or maybe your BIL's wife could do some stuff on one or two days with her seeing as her own DH will be at work.

Yanbu but I really don't think most people on here have any understanding of how you giving up your bed for a week and not going to DS's therapy for a week is so very different from them doing the same when their children are nt.

I don't understand. Surely you just email back and say sorry, no room here for MIL, are you going to stay at same hotel as BIL or shall I book you somewhere else?

I

I'm with you Hampton, just call and explain.

Also given your DS's additional needs, why didn't you confirm all of the arrangements the moment you knew they would be coming?

zzzzz, yes you're right, in theory as many family members who understand is the way to go. And certainly if a bond can develop between the two then that would be ideal. However, I'm not sure effectively moving in for a week when the child really doesn't know you is the best way to go about it all especially if it's going to disrupt his emerging routine.

And no, of course he may not scream for the week. OP, sorry if my saying that has added to your stress. I was just pointing out to the many posters telling the OP to relax and get a grip that they were underestimating the potential of such a reaction.

Have you tried airbnb.com?

There may be a room or a self contained flat/studio available.

Otherwise, check BIL's hotel and see if they have the 2 beds thing there?

YANBU. I have 4 DC, 2 of them with SN. I have had to say "no" to visitors when it doesn't suit the dc's, like when DS4 was born and I don't disrupt their therapies for visitors either. Inlaws live close by anyway but when my mum and dad come they have to take us as they find us and fit round the dc's appointments and therapies.

Yes the MIL arranged to fly that week but at no point did she ask if she could stay with the OP.
I wouldn't have family, especially elderly family stay if I didn't have beds for them. I might put up a young nephew for a night or 2 on the floor but I wouldn't expect elderly relatives to sleep on the floor. We both work so I wouldn't have anyone in our bedroom for a week just so they can have a cheap holiday at my expense and discomfort.
Part of the problem with some people's families seem to be that they are very selfish and have expectations of OTT hospitality (like staying in a nonexistent spare bedroom or turfing people out of their own beds) that non family members wouldn't dream of doing.

If I have a full house of kids/ stepkids then anyone else wanting to stay would be told they're welcome to see us but need to sport out accommodation as our house is full.
Putting your relatives out to save a few quid is extremely unreasonable.

Sounds like you are so, understandably, involved in the day to day with DS that you may have lost sight of the bigger picture.

70yo woman, your DH's mother, your DS's GM, travelling to the tropics on the only opportunity she probably has, to see her grandchild whom she hasn't seen since he was a baby. She may be wondering when she might next get a chance to see him. And you want to put her in a hotel?

Suck it up. It's only a week, and you can take a fortnight or longer to get over it once she's gone. This visit will be the thing of memories, you will regret being difficult about it in years to come.

Trucks, is it possible you're being a little passive-aggressive with MIL?

I say this with all sympathy.

But she doesn't know you don't have a spare room! It seems like BIL made the arrangements for her. You said yourself she doesn't seem to realise your living set-up.

If I showed up in someone's house to stay a week and only then did I find out that there was no spare room, and that two young parents would be sleeping on the floor in the living room? I would be absolutely mortified!

And I would feel trapped. Because at that point what could she do? Move out to a hotel? She'd be afraid of hurting your feelings.

You must just tell her there's no room.

Dear god people are clutching pearls about grandma staying in a hotel!

If by "hotel" you mean "ice floe pushed out to sea" then yes, that's unspeakably cruel.

If by "hotel" you mean "a lovely room a few minutes from your home" then I really think she'll manage.

There's no pearl clutching-ness about a hotel. It's about telling someone you want them around you, but not enough to share your home with them. You share your home with your partner and children, what's the difference when it comes to parents?

Of course, the pearl clutching should really be happening on the part of the MIL. She should at least offer to stay in a hotel. If cost is an issue, perhaps BIl, DH and MIL can split it between them.

BIL and SIL can sleep on floor in their hotel room whilst MIL takes the bed.

It's about telling someone you want them around you, but not enough to share your home with them. You share your home with your partner and children, what's the difference when it comes to parents?

By that argument, why are BIL and SIL then staying in a hotel? Because if the OP really loves them, she'll put them up too. She can always sleep in the garden with her disabled son. It's family, for god's sake.

It sounds dreadful. Some people are being very harsh. It's bad enough having to give up your bed for a week, but all the other things - having MIL around all the time, trying to fit in her needs around the needs of your SN son, trying to cook dinner and then make polite conversation when you feel completely exhausted - sound beyond the pale. She must stay in a hotel. For the sake of your sanity.

Why on earth should BIL & SIL sleep on the floor?

I feel sorry for the OP but I also am somewhat baffled by the suggestions that BIL & SIL should share their hotel room with MIL or indeed that they should sleep on the floor in the room. They didn't book her air ticket - MIL did this independently. I can't imagine anything worse than sharing a hotel room with DH and my DM for a week ( MIL is dead so it's the closest I can envisage). Personally I'd rather ta ke my chances on an airbed, but frankly I'd rather be in my own bedroom.

Just because someone is faa-aamily does not mean that bed space can be conjured out of nowhere and a child's autism will magically go away.

I repeat what I said earlier, I imagine that MIL assumed that DS could share the bedroom with his parents. As this is not possible, she should look at alternative arrangements.

YANBU at all.

It could well be really difficult :( and MIL probably doesn't realise this.

But you probably just have to grit teeth and get through it this time and hopefully she will.reconsider where to stay next time.

YANBU at all.

It could well be really difficult :( and MIL probably doesn't realise this.

But you probably just have to grit teeth and get through it this time and hopefully she will.reconsider where to stay next time.