To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

I don't know what's wrong with DS, so may be out of order - but would it hurt him to miss therapy for a few days in order to get to know his granny a bit better? Kids of that age are fairly accepting, and take their lead from their parents. He'd probably be perfectly happy to be left with her - may be not on the first day, but later in the week.

I would remind the MIL that there isn't a spare room so she will have to have sofa or mattress in lounge. If she is happy with that and why wouldn't she be? Then fine, if any noise about this is made then suggest that a hotel nearby can be found as its really not fair on you and DH to sleep in lounge.

I would also send a cheery note to say that your son has therapy appointments and most likely she will have to entertain herself when you are out and suggest some activities that she can do. Are you near a shopping complex or spa for example?

Your MIL sounds lovely, I wouldn't worry too much. It's one week out of the year, you might even enjoy it?

I've paused what therapy I can.
Govt early intervention: use it or lose it.
Some therapy requires full time 12 week attendance of course.

In any case, we fought hard for therapy and to afford what's not free and DS needs it, would you take your child out of school to please visiting family members?

I will suck it up.
I will be as graceful as I can.
But I'm glad I got some Yanbu!

I agree - don't make a drama out of this. Tell her how excited you are that she's coming over. Explain (if she doesn't already know), that you have no space for her to stay with you and send her a list of local hotels, B&Bs or whatever you think she might prefer.

And take a deep breath. This can be dealt with. Just be calm and firm and friendly. If she's as nice as you say she is, I'm sure she will understand.

Your AIBU is about the bed situation, for that yanbu

However you really don't want your MIL around do you? For that YABU.

ok. you can't have her to stay.

send cheery email back:

brilliant! can't wait to see you all! unfortunately there's no room here for mil. here's a website of local accommodation, or might be better for her to stay in your hotel.

love trucks.

they've made the assumption. don't pick up their slack. you clearly can't cope with it - it's too much of an imposition. and stop feeling guilty!

Apologies if this sounds all dramatic.
I'm using MN to vent safely.
It is disruptive and annoying but yes, we will suck it up.
She already has copy of DS schedule the week she's here.
She has only heard second hand the extent of needs via regular email updates about his life from me: she hasn't seen him since baby so can't know reality.

I think she just assumed we have spare room and her staying would be helpful.

We don't, it isn't very helpful but of course she has right to get to know DS and him to know her so its my job to suck it up and facilitate that.

Why don't you just call and explain!?!??

OP it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, in your circumstances I would not want a visitor sharing what little space you have. However it's a really, really tricky one as it's your MIL.

Could you e-mail BIL back and remind him of your living situation? Say that you are looking forward to seeing MIL, but worried about the sleeping situation, particularly as you haven't even got an inflatable mattress for her to sleep on ( I would not offer up my own bed so easily - sounds like you need it).
Perhaps BIL may offer to pay for a guest mattress or her accommodation.

unless you mil is frail, she should sleep in the living room imo.
no one sleeps in my bed apart from the dc when they come in during the night apart from me.
and yes she should have asked before.
is it too late to ook her into a hotel?

She's assumed you have a spare room, you don't. So tell her and give her options of (a) living room sofa or (b) other accomodation.

Everyone's family's different. When my parents come to stay, they have our bed and we sleep in the lounge. When they came for my birthday, along with my brother and his family, they stayed in a B&B - we paid for them and my brother had our bed. I was pleased to have my bed back when they left, but even more pleased they made the effort to come and see us.

I would assume if my mil was coming to the city I live in that she'd be staying with us. Accommodation would only be mentioned if she wasn't planning to stay with us.

If you DS doesn't get to know his grandmother on this trip, when will he get to know her? She's not getting any younger. When will an opportunity arise again?

Of course MIL shouldn't sleep in the living room! Good lord, how inhospitable. And I wouldn't dream of asking my in laws to stay in a hotel. If you only have one bed, you give that bed up to older guests, that's just how it works! (In my world, anyway.)

Can't your DH take some time off work? It DOES sound exhausting having her around all the time, but surely if he could take two or three days off that would make things easier? That's what I would be pushing for.

This is a bit insane. I thought you said upthread that it was generally known you didn't have a spare room. If MIL thinks you have a spare room, you have to tell her you don't, even if you're prepared to sleep in the living room. She might be mortified to arrive and find you're on the floor and immediately offer to go to a hotel!

It's only a week, and as you have said, you'll be out most of the day at therapy.

I think you definitely should at least make it clear that you do not have an extra bed - if MIL is coming to stay because she assumes there's a guest room available, she might change her mind if her staying means you would have to sleep on the floor.

Hmm, I have my own thread going right now about living overseas and inlaws visiting, so feel your pain. It's the same old problem - they're over for a holiday, you've got everyday life to be getting on with and no one seems to take that into account. I think what's also odd here is that it seems that BIL has organised MIL's trip and there doesn't seem to have been much direct discussion between her and your DH/you. You have enough on your plate without organising accommodation. To everyone saying 'just give her your bed' - how many times a year though? If we gave up our bed every time we had visitors to stay we'd never sleep in it ourselves!
Write back, or better, get DH to write back and say there must have been a mistake as given your lack of space, you'd expected MIL to be in the same hotel as BIL. You also can't make the airport pickup that's been mentioned/dictated due to DS's schedule. Good luck.

Of course MIL shouldn't sleep in the living room! Good lord, how inhospitable. And I wouldn't dream of asking my in laws to stay in a hotel. If you only have one bed, you give that bed up to older guests, that's just how it works! (In my world, anyway.)

Can't your DH take some time off work? It DOES sound exhausting having her around all the time, but surely if he could take two or three days off that would make things easier? That's what I would be pushing for.

Your posts are all about you. How it annoys you, how you don't want to sleep in the lounge, how you don't want her around. What about what your husband wants? What about what your son wants? What about what your MIL wants? It's not all about you.

Could your DH take a day off work in the middle of the visit? Presumably he will be just as able as you to manage your DS's needs and take him to therapy. You will then have your home to yourself for a few hours while they are out at the therapy sessions. He also needs to tell his brother that he and SIL will need to take MIL out to dinner at least twice during the visit, giving you and your DH a couple of evenings together.

I think one week of inconvenience every three years is not a lot - whatever your schedule.

In fact, if you started a thread on here complaining that your MiL wasn't interested in your ds cause she only came for a week every 3 years, I'd bet you'd get the same 50:50 YABU/YANBU response you're getting here.

So you can't win and neither can she .

Your son's intervention sounds v similar to mine.
Have you thought about the fact that a person he barely knows staying in your room might actually really affect his routine?

We always need weeks of re-adjusting after people come and visit. DS seems to cope well at the time but he pays for it later. Sadly most relatives (including parents) don't get it.
I've also been asked why I can't relax his routine and why he does so much when he's so little and it's not fair blah blah.

I wish I didn't have to.

I would tell your DH to book a hotel for his mother and present her with the fair accomplishment. She gets to stay with you all day and your son gets his routine back at night.

Accompli even. Pesky auto correct.

YADNBU to feel stressed. It sounds like you're running at full capacity, and this is another major thing to factor in. No matter how lovely she is, it's still more things to do, organise and think about. Much sympathy for that.

Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you can share some of how busy this is and how tired you are at the moment with her? It might be a way to suggest staying at a hotel in a way that doesn't offend, she sounds very keen to help and be involved but doesn't see the full situation to understand the kind of help you'd actually find helpful.

wibbly - really? This is the dh's mother, not just a random friend who fancies 2 weeks somewhere warm. I give up my bed for MiL/FiL at least 3 times a year and they only live 20 miles away.