To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

I'm just visualising how hospitable it would be to have an old lady in a small space with a very upset and acting out 3yo with autism.

Oh yeah that's gonna go so well for all parties.

I'm remarkably inhospitable to everyone. Family, friends, blow-ins. Not happening. Small house, 3 people with autism, no spare room.I'm not down with picking up the pieces once the guests leave,

I think that's what people don't get about autism. The child might seem to be coping fine with visitors/change of routine/car journeys/having to sleep on the floor etc but it can throw them for WEEKS after.

It's very hard to explain- most people think you're being dramatic. I've just had my parents for a week. We have a strict program in place that we follow at home and school. My mother kept telling me that we were mean and I kept hearing 'poor boy, why can't he (insert whatever we were not allowing him to do)'. By the end I just have up explaining.

OP I am so glad you have managed to sort something out!

It's not just a question of hospitality is it though?

Physically there would be no way on gods earth that I could make it through the week if I was sleeping on the floor or on an air mattress. I am exaggerating of course, I would live, but to be able to enjoy others company and to not succumb to slight depressive tendencies, I need my sleep. In the OP's situation her DS's autism needs to be added on top of the lack of sleep.

I struggled staying at SILs on a saggy mattress - I was googling nearby hotels on Christmas day, but I knew she would have been desperately upset if we had found somewhere else to stay. I would have been delighted if she suggested we decamp to a hotel.

I just don't see how knowing your own limits = lack of hospitality.

If the thread encourages potential guests visiting families with family members who have SN to ask and clarify about what's possible and reasonable then I'm glad about that! I am learning more each day about the difference in expectations people who have NT experiences of family life have. Before I had DS I would not have understood it very well.

(I did always check there was a bed available or place to sleep before organising a visit though!)

The obvious answer is that the MIL stays with BIL and his wife in the hotel. Most hotels can put an additional bed in the room, or there might be a sofa bed there.

Of course, BIL and his wife wouldn't like that, would they? However, it is the most sensible answer and I think you should put it to BIL.

I can't believe the number of fucking awful people on here who are trying to guilt trip the OP. Absolutely disgusting posts.

Haven't read all the posts. We live abroad and family come for up to a month at a clip. Lots of people wonder why we have a 5 bedroomed house with a sleep couches in the basement rooms. We have been able to have the PIL, SIL + her OH, my brother, sister + her DH and my Dad all stay at the same time and have a bed to sleep in.

We took the decision to move abroad, not our families, so we need to make sure our living accomodation enables our family to come visit. It is also part of the reason why DH earns more living abroad. We have much higher living expenses compared to others. If DH's employer were not willing to pay he would find a job that did or move back.

OP I would be asking employers for more to enable you to live in suitable housing and visit your PIL more often than every 2+ years.

Employers don't pay for acc

I think you should have read everything the OP said, at least, Want2bSupermum, as that answer was completely inappropriate.

Sorry. Employers don't pay for accommodation.
We came here to save money (hollow laugh: living costs and DS therapy are eye-watering) - DH tax free salary enables me to pause abandon my career to be full time carer to DS. We moved here when he was tiny baby and didn't know he had ASD: we stay because we can pay to access services and therapies we couldn't get in UK and we couldn't afford for me not to work in UK. But DS needs me not to be at work.

Visiting family have to make allowances unfortunately: we are not here to accommodate them much as we would like to - DS SN are a big financial strain, he will need extra support all his life and everyone has to make sacrifices. Our family don't emotionally or physically support us/provide childcare like they might if in UK but they can help us in other ways, like not hassling us to visit and making arrangements to find beds for themselves when they decide to come.

Meanwhile when they do visit we do whatever we can to make sure they have a nice holiday and enjoy themselves. We take as much time out/off as we can and use our annual leave for DH to be about for them.

We have not had a family holiday to ourselves since DS was born. There are all kinds of sacrifices and paying for rooms or sleeping on floors are just one kind of sacrifice.

Well aren't you special super2bmum? Read the thread and get a clue.

Well done, OP, for sorting this all out. I'm sure you could have done without the extra stress & expense, but hope you all have a good time during the visit.

Well Want2bSupermum aren't you lucky with your 5 bedroom house. What a smug, horrible post.

Well I'm glad it's sorted out OP, although I still think your BIL and MIL have been very unreasonable to just dump this on you without any consultation whatsoever. I don't have a child with SN, but TBH accommodating people ad hoc isn't that easy with two NT children either. We all have full lives, responsibilities and places and times we aren't available and having guests always requires a lot of re-jigging of timetables to make sure visitors have a good time. It's just common courtesy to ASK if it's okay to stay at someone's home for a week, surely? I hope the visit goes well anyway and that your little family isn't too inconvenienced.

Well done OP. Probably a longshot but have you tried looking at uk based hotel sites like hotelscombined or late rooms or lastminute.com to see if they have any hotels in your area at better rate?

Glad it's sort of sorted OP. I'd be a bit put out at the £500 though given this could have been avoided if she hadn't come at peak season. Also, I have to ask, why have you been the one to organise all this? Where was your DH? It seems as though the logistics and stress of this have fallen to you despite it being MIL and BIL coming over. Surely DH would have been better placed to have this conversation?

Good that you have sorted it! I also reckon that your 70 year old mil will be glad to stay in the hotel after such a hectic schedule your Ds has!! And she will be glad of the rest in the evening too!

one week in 3 years? she hasnt seen hime since a baby.

yabu and you know it.

Err no she doesn't know it

Read the thread maybe.

I have read it! That's my view

Well I have no idea how you came to conclusion she knows she is being unreasonable then.

It's interesting to see the different responses since the Op has said what the outcome was.
Some people take the attitude that a relative making an infrequent visit should be welcomed and accommodated, even if the visit is not very welcome or convenient.
Others seem instead to think that the Op should only accommodate welcome visitors, that there is no need to accommodate those who are inconvenient.
I tend to be in the first camp. I can see from what the Op has said that her son needs lots of care. I can see she is an introvert (her words) who does not like guests. I can see that either having guests to stay or deciding to pay for them to stay elsewhere is not what she would choose. I think she did not want to accommodate the MIL and felt annoyed about the assumption that they had a spare room. The MIL failed to communicate about this, which was unfortunate, but not terrible. The Op (and her husband, who prob should have done it as it was his mother) however also failed to communicate in time. They could have said they did not have a spare room sooner, rather than festering g about the issue. If said early enough, the MIL may have rescheduled. However, the Op didn't tell the MIL she couldn't come and she did offer to contribute towards accommodation, even though she couldn't easily afford it. That is all a really positive response and shows awareness of the necessity to sometimes be inconvenienced by family. The Op didn't sound like she was doing it with very good grace. It really wasn't what she wanted to do, but felt she had to. In some ways it makes it more praiseworthy because she bought herself to do the thing she didn't really want to, because she realised it was right. The best outcome is that by the time of the visit she feels more positive about it all, rather than seeing it as a massive chore and it is enjoyable for both the MIL and the Op too.
Op I really hope you all have a good time and you especially.

Sorry, I think yab(a little)u. Just trying I put myself in your position and it's hard. Whilst I can see it is an inconvenience for you it's only a week.

My sister lives overseas and has a child with sn. My dm and dd have recently passed away but used to be so excited to see their daughter and granddaughter. They would have been mortified to think my bil felt they weren't welcome to stay. Within my family, it's a given that you all budge up and bunk up if necessary so all the family can be together. Especially if it's once in a blue moon. As my parents have died, these times when families can get together are now golden memories and all the inconvenience of squashing up for one another fades from the mind. Cherish the time this, by your own admission, lovely grandmother spends with her son and grandson. These lovely get togethers are few and far between.

And she will see DS all the time he is available, during her stay, accompanying me and him everywhere if she wishes, whilst having her meals and washing done for her, and a contribution made to her hotel costs, whilst sleeping in a cool comfortable air conditioned hotel room at night, that is not accessed for loo visits during the night by her son and DIL nor adjacent to a screaming autistic three year old who is quite capable of kicking off or throwing up at 3am if over-tired or disturbed by change in routine.

I'm unable to magic up a soundproofed air conditioned spare bedroom with ensuite so she will have to cope in a hotel 6 mins down the road once she's had her dinner.

Sadly we have been unable to visit UK and family there since he was a baby because of having nowhere safe to stay. What with the need for blacked out windows, the head banging, the throwing himself into furniture, the screaming, and so on.

Will people please consider her DS' s issues before banging on about budging up and making lovely family time

"Golden memories"?