To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

The hotel outcome,instead of staying with you is the best option for everyone isn't it. I'm sure your MIL doesn't feel you are fobbing her off by her going to the hotel and I don't think she will feel less welcome, possibly moreso, because the house is not easily suitable for you all.
If you had a bigger house with more bedrooms, perhaps you would have put her up at yours. I don't know if you would have or if you would have still gone for the hotel option.
As BeachComber says, family times can be rare, so the inconvenience/cost is worth it. Have a great time and hope it builds happy memories for you all.

They can be golden memories yes fanjoforthememories. My sister and her sn child have lovely memories of the rare visits my parents made while they were alive.

OP I truly hope you all have a lovely time with your family. It sounds like you all worked out a solution that suits you all.

Believe me - most people like a break from autism - I know I do. Today is not respite Saturday & I have had 'neeah neeah' (miaow miaow) screamed in my face non-stop for the last hour.

Believe me if a hotel room in a posh hotel was available tonight I wouldn't look back (& I'm not 70 & have had 14 years to get used to the reality of autism).

OP is thinking of her MIL - she can't fabricate some sort of happy families because that is not what it's like. I'm sure MIL will love her hotel room. My mum is fab with autism, & loves her grandchildren but believe me she'd be grateful for a hotel room as well.

Saintly explained what I was trying to say much more patiently. I get exasperated after pages od people not getting it.

Cheers fellow autism parents :)
Am hoping she will prefer the golden memory of DS eating ice cream by touching his tongue tip to it very slowly for two hours then riding in a lift up and down for 30 minutes to the not so golden memory of a vomit-encrusted 38lb preschooler screaming at 3am and attempting to get in bed with her to nurse his way out of a melt down

Actually, the ideal outcome would have been for her MIL to have asked first before booking and then, when she realised the horrific expense (when the OP is on a tight budget as it is) that she would cause the OP, rearranged the flight to a time of year when she could have afforded her own hotel room.

There's nothing Christian about what this MIL has done, frankly.

Beachcombergirl..that is your sister and her child. The OP knows her own child and how he would be.

I find it incredibly disrespectful when posters completely ignore what the OP has said about her finances, her home and especially the needs of her own child and just blunder in with what would happen in their family.

I hate to tell you this but we still do lift rides at 14

My son is adored within our family (& he's pretty popular outside it as well) but we all struggle with him when his anxiety is ticjet

Grrr rocketing.

Anyway I hope your son remains calm & you're able to enjoy your holiday.

I have often been heard to say 'ds1 was relaxed so it was good - the rest of us could enjoy ourselves as well'. Because if ds1 is upset or anxious everyone ends up stressed & unhappy.

Sorry your mil's holiday the neears have fried my brain

Yes. We do the same things every week as DD kikes them. A happy DD is a happy us.

Even standing freezing while she bounces ona trampoline.

Cant type either as DD is singing very tunelessly and loudly.

I'm utterly gobsmacked at how many people think the OP is being unreasonable! My in-laws have a tendency to tell us when they are visiting, rather than ask, but they at least have the courtesy to book a hotel rather than evict us from our beds!

OP I don't have a SN child, but I do completely understand the personal space/sleep issue. All the people saying "it's only a week" obviously don't understand how just 24 or 48 hours around other people can be exhausting, nerve-wrecking, or even panic-inducing.

I think your husband needs to have a word with his brother, and his mum, and explain just what an awkward situation that you've all ended up in, for want of a few phone calls.

From all this, I wonder if the OPs family realise the nature of the little boys special needs. Is it that because they are abroad and some of them have not seen him since he was a baby, that they don't realise his needs and the impact of them? It sounds like there might not be lots of communication between them, so perhaps they simply don't know the full story.
I apologise if I have failed to realise the full nature of his needs and their impact. It is only from recent posts that I can see the difficult nature of having guests. From the original post of the OP I could see there were special needs, but not autism. It does make the situation different.
In defence of those who have been critical, I wonder if they fully realised it either. The original post from the OP seemed to focus more on the issue of allowing a MIL to stay simply because she had assumed she could come, rather than the SN issues.
I did not fully appreciate the needs. Sorry. Is it that the visitors don't either?

Five hundred quid down and offering meals and free run of our apartment/DS during waking hours for a visit I didn't arrange is fairly reasonable I think.

Fair enough, setting aside the clearly significant issue of DS's needs (possibly the primary), the above statement just is so, so objectionable. Offering meals? Free run of apartment? Access to DS???!!! Jeez, you'd think OP was talking about someone who had done serious harm to OP and her family and should be grateful to be allowed to even see them - this is how you would talk about a thief or burglar or someone who had assaulted them! This is DS's grandmother. And you begrudgingly offer food and entry into your home and - worst - the right to see her grandson?! Imagine if your son's future wife/partner spoke of you in this way.

The mind boggles.

I think you are missing the point somewhat.

OP said that in response to people who were implying she wasnt willing to put herself out at all.

The OP has said she's broke, Apache. Much as I'm sure she'd like to see her relatives, surely she should have some say in whether she suddenly throws £500 at a hotel! If her MIL came at another time of year - ie if she had communicated with the OP that she was coming - then it wouldn't cost the OP £500 that she can't afford to lose.

Well, that is the point. "Putting herself out" seems to = allowing the the GM into her house and letting her see DS!

I specifically didn't pull out the reference to 500 quid from the extract of OP's quote, I am in no position to comment on finances. Where I live (also abroad) 500 quid would buy around 12 therapy sessions for the DS. To me that's a big deal.

But access into the apartment and to DS costs nothing. Another mouth to feed, especially when that mouth is your DH's mother, and when you're in the realm of tax free salaries and even having the 500 quid in the first place... Like I said, the mind boggles.

I'm sure we can all quote out of context to prove a point apache :rolls eyes:

Can you not see that the OP is under a tremendous amount of stress as it is? She's in a foreign country without any help. She can't work. Her son has special needs that impact on her life constantly. She doesn't get enough sleep. She's broke and (I daresay) worrying about paying for her son's therapy.

Now her relatives are coming - I'm sure this is something she's hoped for many times. However, they didn't ask when a good time to visit would be. They told her they were coming and told her that her MIL would be staying with her for a week, despite the fact she says they know, they have been told, that they have no spare room.

How do you even know she has the £500? It might be credit card money.

I would imagine the OP feels she's at the end of her tether. Don't talk about her as though she's living in a huge house with a NT and plenty of money and is begrudging a visit.

Do see earlier points though about OP having chance to speak to MIL much sooner about lack of space and all the other issues. If this had happened sooner, there would have been the chance to explain that another time would have been cheaper for everyone. Due to delay, by then it probably wasn't possible to delay. It was also about coming when BIL came too, wasn't it.

Any thoughts from the Op or anyone about if the MIL understood the implications of autism, or if the fact she hadn't seen her Grandson since he was a baby meant she perhaps had no real idea of the difficulties of staying. The way the Op describes her does not make her sound like someone who would try to impose on people without space and with a child with SN with significant implications and to cost them money. To me, it sounds like communication or lack of it has created this. Did the BIL know the full scale of the implications of autism? It sounds to me like they just didn't know.

Oh people often don't have a fucking clue. Then it's your fault when exactly what you predicted happens. BTDTGTTS.

The good ones then apologise, roll up their sleeves & muck in, the majority blame it on you.

Saintly, don't know what your acronyms means. Do you think the MIL knew before the recent conversation with Op that her Grandson had such SN?
The extent was not clear to me for a long while on this thread. I did feel critical towards Op, but changed my mind and am sorry. it did make me wonder if the MIL knew though.