To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

Have been there.

Note that all the people dealing with same issues have said YANBU.

YADNBU.

There is Not Room. It doesn't matter how nice she is, whether your dcs are NT or SN, there simply is no room.

If you had a spare room, it would all be fine. You don't. Impossible.

For a night, maybe could be done. This is not reasonable, and is not your fault.

YANBU

btdt

((((((((((((((((((Long Hugs))))))))))))))))

Update: I phoned her because someone had to ASAP and DH at work. As predicted, she thought we had a spare room although we haven't had one for 2 years. She belatedly realised after a bit of discussion that her sleeping on sitting room floor was not suitable and us sleeping on the floor not fair: there is also no bathroom for the floor-sleepers so whoever wasn't in the bed would have to keep entering the bedroom to access the ensuite. I wake before 5am needing to pee every day and get up at 5.30am. I'm pretty sure MIL needs to use loo at night herself. So that would never work.

Added to that we go to bed at 10pm because we get up at, or before dawn, and the air con runs at 80F day and night (DS won't sleep under a blanket) - and are often up in the night if DS wakes and cries - and the sitting room is basically used as a play therapy gym - she can now see why we don't have house guests. We are not set up for it and that's before you factor in DS' need to have routine and stability.

I did manage to find a hotel.
£1200 for 7 nights.
That was locals rates. It's peak tourist season here, its very expensive to live/visit here - and that was the budget option!
We offered to pay some of it, though we can't afford it.
If (wealthy and staying at hotel for free c/o his work) BIL offers to take us out for a fancy meal we will decline and ask him to put money towards MIL hotel instead. Personally I think he should offer to subsidise it.

I feel really cross that it ended up like this: with a bit of consultation of me at the beginning I could have a) explained the room situation b) suggested a better time to visit c) if MIL wanted to fly accompanied by BIL had more time to investigate room options or asked BIL to see if a room for her could be booked as part of the sales jolly group booking and paid for by family.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and giving me the strength to have a difficult conversation which I felt before posting it wasn't my place to have. It had to be done.
She can come here for breakfast and stay til after dinner if she wishes and come to DS afternoon therapy stuff (though not his SN morning playgroup) and I hope she gets lots out of it.

Meanwhile I get my pre-dawn wee and coffee/MN in peace and my pre-bed need for a bit of silence and calm.
And I get to share my bed with DH, who often works til after I've gone to bed.

So cheers MN. You've saved my sanity and I think helped me keep DS on even keel before he starts preschool too,

that is great! Make sure you make her feel super welcome though, but I am sure you are!

See, things can be sorted if people just TALK, instead of quietly simmering with resentment (not saying that was you OP! But it happens on MN) and then being pass-agr, and leaving people bewildered.

good outcome!

Have a lovely time with your MIL, and the freedom of your own bed.
and

Oh, and is the hotel refundable? Is it worth ringing the other places the day before they arrive, and see if any cancellations mean cheep rooms?

very good, op
a weight must have lifted off your chest!

YANBU, and I am glad that your MIL is now going to stay in a hotel. I would definitely suggest that DH gets BIL to help subsidise the hotel bill.

Just read the whole thread and am shocked at the numerous excuses you have made to be so inhospitable to an elderly relative.
The needing to wee would be laughable under different circumstances, just sneak in the room and use the ensuite.
I have an autistic child myself but I would never use her as an excuse not to sleep on an air bed.
How sad that you cannot put yourself out for someone else.

I was going to add YANBU but seen the update... Thank goodness - it would have been hell.

There's always one
Cheers everyone else.

That's great OP, I'm glad you have found a solution, albeit a costly one, but then I suppose you can't put a price on your own sanity.

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

Soon that's very harsh.

However OP you have dragged this out, if you had simply called her in the first place you wouldn't of had to stress about this and no doubt she could of had a far bigger choice of accommodation...

Yep, Chipped, got the email alerting me to no hotel late Thursday night. Ask MN for advice Fri morning. Call MIL Friday afternoon. Find hotel Friday late afternoon.
There's a six hour here/UK time difference.
But perhaps I should have called MIL at 3am?

I agree DH should have perhaps asked rather than assumed she was same hotel as BIL as well as same flights and dates rather than assuming. And BIL and MIL should have asked for her to specifically stay here if that was plan rather than assuming. But I don't see what else I can/could do other than what was done.

Five hundred quid down and offering meals and free run of our apartment/DS during waking hours for a visit I didn't arrange is fairly reasonable I think.

Anyway, no point me getting pissed off now. It's done, I'm calming down and I hope the visit goes well and she and Ds/DH/BIL get lots out of it - I will do my best to make that the case.

Could mil share bils hotel room?

Interesting thread as raises lots of different issues.

There are the issues of meeting special needs, having an early morning wee, and your own space. OP is clearly protective of own space.
There is the issue of the assumption that there was a spare room and not checking. Sounds like a simple and easy mistake for MIL or BIL to make if they don't see you or communicate with you very often.

The key issue in my mind is one of hospitality towards family members, which is so much more important when there are big distances. Sacrifices would have been involved for the OP for the MIL to come and stay. In my mind, we should be willing to make sacrifices for our families. If we choose to live abroad, we may need to put up with more house visitors than we would ideally like or to pay for their accommodation, in order to maintain relationships.

Sorry if I sound harsh to the Op. She is clearly having a tough time and the thought of the visit was a big burden to her. I wonder if it is just now that such a visit would cause such an issue for her, or if she would always feel like this?

I hope the visit brings enormous pleasure to the Granny, BIL, child and the OP too. I hope everyone is able to be considerate of each other, regardless of how others behave. I hope it is much more enjoyable than the Op imagined.

What I meant was maybe you all should have just clarifed plans when you first knew they were visiting - I some how doubt that was on Thursday?

Well done Trucks glad it all got sorted.

Yes Chipped, I'm sure in an ideal world OP wishes she had clarified plans but it may never have occurred to her that MiL wasn't staying with BIL. Just it seems not to have occurred to MIL that OP didn't have a spare room. I think the second assumption is the greater leap. It wouldn't occur to me that someone was staying with me unless they had asked.

Chocolate - that's the way you do it but not everyone does it that way. I would hate to stay with others and inconvenience them, I would prefer my own space too and I would equally hate to not have a choice in having someone live at close quarters with me for a week . You don't necessarily always get a choice about living overseas and I certainly don't think that means you are obliged to make your life far more stressful at other people's convenience if you are not being consulted on timings etc.

Trucks I hope the visit goes well. I would be extremely pissed off to be 500 down for doing someone a favour, and I am sorry that you are in this position.

I do think you have done the right thing though

I'm glad you have sorted out. I think that you are being very hospitable to pay towards your MIL hotel. I am sure that she is happy with the arrangement.

Glad it's sorted.

I still think BiL/MiL made far too many assumptions without checking.

Any chance your DH could have a word? Your BiL could possibly contribute?

And Chocolate, making assumptions isn't a mistake. In this situation (which they are aware of) it was bloody thoughtless.

Nanny, the MIL is a lovely lady according to the Op. She hasn't seen her Grandson since he was a baby. Perhaps she has never been to their house and seen it. I certainly can't remember how many bedrooms everyone I know has. She is coming for 1 week and then probably won't darken their door again for years. She is an old lady (I assume) and there might not be loads more visits. Just trying to see it in perspective.
In an ideal world, she would have checked, but the point is that we make allowances for our friends and family. There is no need to be offended by every minor slight or thing not going quite our way.

I simply want to be gracious and welcoming to my family. I am willing to put myself out and inconvenience myself and try not be be upset by little, unwitting mistakes people make. I accept not everyone feels like that. Some people do spend a lot of time being annoyed by things that have happened.

I simply want to be gracious and welcoming to my family. I am willing to put myself out and inconvenience myself and try not be be upset by little, unwitting mistakes people make. I accept not everyone feels like that. Some people do spend a lot of time being annoyed by things that have happened.

I think that the OP is being gracious, welcoming and putting herself out as she is paying towards her MIL hotel bill.

I agree. The OP is being hospitable, and has been willing to make a sacrifice because it is hard for her to pay the money for the room. I am sure it is appreciated by the MIL and even if it isn't, she'll know she has been welcoming to a family member. These things are not always easy.

I just think the more we try to take this approach, the less hard and the more natural it becomes to us. The more often we do it, the less we feel annoyed about having to be kind and the more it is what we actually want to do. I certainly haven't arrived at that point yet, but hope to get closer.