To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

Not knowing your exact circumstances, it's hard to paint a full picture but it does sound like you are only just about coping with your life as it is, both emotionally and physically. And that you really are struggling for space.
I think it's all well and good for people to say 'but she's family and never visits' but this is reality we live in, not some sitcom world where playing happy families is more important than your sanity. Even for a week. So YANBU if you know that you will be an emotional mess by the end of a week in close quarters with your MIL. Only you know what your current capacity is.

On the other hand, there seems to be a real lack of communication going on here on both sides. Why were you just told by BIL than MIL is coming? Why did she not contact you directly to discuss this? Why are you not calling MIL to explain your situation, telling her that of course you would love to see her and it's going to be amazing but that you have no room unless she uses the sofa and that your son will struggle because of xyz and it is causing you stress? And THEN between the two of you, like the adults that you are, you devise a plan where you BOTH win? She spends time with you whenever it is possible, cooks meals and does your cleaning, and then goes back to her hotel in the evening to give you space? I don't understand the concept of 'sucking it up' and pretending to be what you are not, and why you and your DH feel that you can't be honest and just assume she is going to be offended because you can't offer her the picture-perfect version of family you 'think' she wants.

You need to sort out this issue about where MIL is going to sleep asap, OP. You or preferably your DH need to speak to her. Don't give up your bed when you're already stressed & tired - it's just going to make you less able to cope with the situation.

Your MIL may prefer to book into a hotel if she knows she'll have to sleep on the sofa otherwise. I don't think it's inhospitable to refuse to give up your bed given that she hasn't even asked you if it's okay for her to stay at your place.

She sounds nice generally, though, so you need to communicate & get the practicalities sorted out. I'm like you in that I'm an introvert & need space to myself; & a whole week with someone else in the house would drive me insane. So when we've had ILs staying I've gone out by myself for walks sometimes, or - when our children were small & had routines etc. - DH would suggest things that PIL could do by themselves for a while so we could get on with x, y or z. Try & think of some practical strategies so you don't feel totally suffocated.

Oh, & make sure your DH has some time off work. He has to take some responsibility for entertaining his own family. Can you really imagine this happening the other way round - a woman's family coming to stay & her husband having to look after them single-handedly the whole time because she was unavailable?

You can't make a 70yr old sleep on the floor ffs but you can make it clear to her that you do not hav a spare room as she assumes...she might be mortified and offer to check into a hotel room. I understand the annoyance of extended visitors when you live overseas as I am. In same position and recently had my MIL here for a MONTH when pfb was only 8 weeks old. Did I want her here underfoot at that time...no of course not! Did I is suck it up and realise she is family and we are the ones who moved overseas away from her? Yes. Unfortunately that is what living abroad entails sometimes. You sound quite lucky in that it is only a week and the first time since your ds was a baby so not a regular occurrence. Stick to your DS therapy scheduled in full...now way should that b altered to accommodate a granny's visit! You have already made arrangements to take her alonge which is very kind and she will really appreciate that. It will also allow her to see what you have to go through each day and how full on and demanding caring or your DS is. There is also no harm in explaining to her how exhausted you are by evening time and that you appreciate early nights...if you are in living room sh e will have to allow for this at lest every other night...she'll likely be tired herself froma uch a busy day! She cooks so let her do the hosting bit when you bil comes for dinner. I would also be asking DH to go out with mil and bil some evenings to give you the space you need.

Sorry I might comes cross as tough but I do I understand and in my experience the THOUGHT of an extended visit is often worse that the reality. You will likely find the week flies by and you enjoy seeing her reaction to your DS. Good luck!

Thread moved on a bit and someone mentioned having a relative stranger (to your ds) staying out impact him negatively and set him back. If this is genuinely the case ignore above a nd speak to yiur mil about this.s he sounds nice and I doubt want to cause her grandson to lose progress he is making. She'll just have to stay elsewhere and see him at time when he won't be impacted. Obviously his progress is key and as I said I personally wouldn't be canceling any therapy at all regardless of whee mil stays.

OP - then just e-mail back "sorry, there's been some confusion, we don't have a spare room and thought your mum would be staying at the hotel with you. We're happy to have her with us in the day and for dinner, but we don't have enough beds for her to sleep here! Can you add her room to your booking or do you want me to call the hotel to see if there's a room? Really looking forward to seeing you all! lots of love Trucks."

There isn't a choice btween being rude and just having to put up with this, there's not enough space, if your MIL is as nice as you say, she'll be fine with it. If money is an issue, can you talk to BIL about spliting the hotel cost?

It's only a week! And have you really sent your Mil a copy of DS' schedule?! Jeeze Louise, you need to take a deep breath and RELAX!

BTW OP - I know if you are someone who feels the need to "fix problems" then you feel this is your job to fix this, but it's not, you say your MIL thinks you have a spare room, so tell her you don't and see what she wants to do, I'm guessing she'll be happy to stay in a hotel. There are other options than just sucking it up.

They should have asked first. But she is your mil. I hate having guests staying over but I tolerate them when the need arises. And it's not usually as bad as I think it's going to be. So I'd just do the necessary moving around and put up with them.

I would have assumed she was staying with us.
I find the idea on one of your parents travelling 1/2 way round the world to see her son, dil, and grandson for the first time in 3 years, being expected to go off and stay in tourist accommodation really really odd and unwelcoming.
But then, when we were growing up, we'd put anyone up in our home and make them feel welcome. I find it strange that others find that so difficult.

I actually think you are being unfair on your MiL by not explaining your accomodation.

If she turns up to stay with you and realises she has turfed you out of your bed she may feel very awkward and embarrased and then insist on a hotel which might be hard to come by at short notice- also if it's booked now she may get in the same hotel as your BiL.

She must be told that you don't have a spare room at this stage to give her the option.

Feel bad for my poor brother - he moved to Canada and we wanted to see him and his wife so we travelled all that way with 3 dc under 5yo. After spending out on flights we could not have afforded hotel and db was amazing - we stayed for 3 weeks (although did have 3 nights in a hotel in the middle to give them a break). I know it was full on for them as 19mo twins are full on even though we were used to it and db didn't have dc then, but I am extremely grateful for the time and effort they put in to make our stay special.

tbh, I can see why it's stressful but if you live in the tropics and mil is planning to make the effort to fly (presumably from the UK) even though she's in her 70s (a lot of older people won't do long journeys at all) I would be happy to put myself out for a week for her. Yes it might be stressful but it might be her only chance to see her grandson. They should have asked, but then maybe you should have offered/invited her before and had the conversation about space.

YANBU, and I agree with those who think you should let your MIL know you don't have a spare room. She'd probably feel terrible to be put in a situation where she's causing you inconvenience without realising she would, IYKWIM.

And all the posters who think the OP should just put up with it, clearly have absolutely no idea how much even a small change of routine can distress some children with SN.

Completely agree with BackforGood.

It is one week, out of a total of 3 years. Would people really refuse to make room for a parent/grandparent in these circumstances? I find that awful.

Therapy is full on at the mo as Ds has place to take up at a preschool which can accommodate his needs - deferred starting til week after family visit.
So we scrambled to get him into (private) therapy inc Occupational therapy to manage sitting in chairs and circle time, social group to learn classroom preschool skills with other DC like requesting help, paying attention to teacher, turn -taking etc, and then Govt early intervention placement came through for occupational therapy and sensory stuff (he was just diagnosed with sensory issues and motor planning stuff as well as ASD).

If I'd been asked, I could have suggested much better times for granny to stay; school holidays after first term, when hotels are cheaper as its not winter tourist winter sun peak season, and DS not in therapy all the time. When we don't have other family (BIL) staying who want nights out and beach fun and jolly dinners would also be good.

I doubt rooms are affordable or available now; is peak season and visit in 3 weeks.

I don't think she wanted to fly alone hence tagging on BIL sales jolly dates.

Of course I won't ask her to sleep on sofa.
DH is doing best to get time off so he can entertain BIL and MIL as much as possible.

It's just frustrating not be asked what would actually work: I would love the visit to be happy and fulfilling for everyone but having all this land on us right now feels really shattering. And was so avoidable.

OP I know where you are coming from - living overseas and SN child with full therapy schedule. You are quite right to have sent a copy of schedule to Mil - people who don't live this level of intervention have no idea what it means to go to appointments every day. She may come along to observe the first day and be overtaken with jetlag - I think you are doing the right thing by trying to prepare her for meeting her dgc. It is probably fair to say that Bil and Sil do not know the extent to which your life is dominated by therapy and accommodating your ds's needs. Your dh would do well to speak to all of them to say that ds's therapy is as good as a full-time job for you, so you appreciate them coming over to help lighten the load, but to be under no illusion that you live a vacation-style life.
And what feckadeck said ^^

YANBU at all! Sounds stressful.

Someone's already suggested it: can your DH book her into a hotel and call her to explain why? Lots of luck.

Surely your BIL can upgrade the room and have her stay with them....

Seriously, you really DO have to politely remind them that there isn't a spare room and that you can't realistically offer her any accommodation.

That's very nice Viviennemary, TheZeeTeam and everyone else just saying get over yourself and get on with it, can I ask each of you exactly how many SN children you have, how full on is their schedule and how much space do you have in your homes. Because unless you are in exactly the same situation as the OP your comments are pointless and extremely unhelpful.

OP I think if it were me I'd be taking the suggestion of a few previous posters, an immediate reply back explaining your confusion re the email you received and that you had been under the impression MIL would be staying at the hotel with BIL and SIL because as they know you have no spare room and the disruption would be highly detrimental to your son's progress and well-being.

Don't apologise, you haven't done anything wrong, when we lived in a 1 bedroom house we regularly slept on the sofa bed in the living room when my parents came to stay but they always asked before arranging to visit and would never dream of simply making their arrangements and advising us only when everything was already sorted that is very wrong and very rude!

I reckon a lot of this is tied up with the fact you say you are an introvert. The whole prospect of this coming week of forced sociability is filling you with dread. If MIL is taking your haven of tranquillity (your bedroom), you are wondering where will you go for some peace and solitude?

I think I feel rather similar to you (and also have a severely disabled child) when faced with visitors, but once they are here, I usually find I'm enjoying it and it was nothing like as bad as I imagined.

I do think though that MIL or BIL should have at least asked if it was ok for MIL to stay with you. I sincerely hope that if I'm ever a granny, I won't expect my dd to be turfed out of her room!

Oh and forgot to say db is coming in May with his wife and baby. We'll give them our bedroom and dh and I will sleep in the living room on an airbed. Forgot to even mention it before as I had forgotten - mostly because it's not an issue, just what you do for family. Christmas this year at my parent's house had 10 people staying in a 3 bedroom house, although I've only just worked out how many we were as I didn't bother before as again, it wasn't an issue.

I don't get it,

Why don't you just ring and talk to them!

And as to the fact that she hasn't seen you or your DS since he was a baby, wouldn't it be an idea to get her a laptop and to start Skyping? Then she won't be a stranger.

Trucks, I would be frustrated too. It's the lack of communication that's the problem. I don't know anyone who just assumes that it will be okay to go & stay at someone else's home without checking that the times & dates etc. are convenient - & yes, that does include family too. We don't do it to PIL, they don't do it to us. These things need to be planned to be mutually convenient.

But now it looks like it is happening, you & DH need to set an example of good communication, & get on the 'phone to MIL. She needs to understand about the lack of space - as others have said, she might be mortified to find out she's turfing you out of your bed. I think your DH should tell her that she should have contacted you to check this was all going to work before booking flights & so on.

Dh needs to take time off.

Someone needs to check out whether there is affordable room in the hotel (the solution that will lead to the 'best' visit for all.

Unless your son is particularly passive introducing granny to full on autism via a week in a small apartment with everyone on top of each other is hardly ideal. How do you think she will cope with autism? My son used to love visitors, but would be up most of the night (not unusual), would climb into bed with them - often removing his pyjamas in the process, or if he really liked them would (when he was younger) pinch them to watch the amusing reaction. We don't really have visitors anymore unless we know a) they can cope and b) they won't reinforce negative behaviours by yelping leaving us with weeks of work to undo the behaviours they set up by responding inappropriately. My MIL simply couldn't cope with the lack of sleep when staying here with us, so she now goes to a hotel - it works much better, ds1 can be autistic, she can have her space and we don't have to try and keep everyone happy (impossible).

If she comes to stay - do give her your bedroom, so she has somewhere to escape to. And get yourselves a comfy bed - not a blow up mattress, something like a roll up futon type bed is much more comfortable.

On the other hand - IF she CAN cope with autism (my my does) she may well be a great asset. Of course you won't know that until you see her with your son.

and what if Mil needs a little haven of tranquility to process her own thoughts on what she learns by observing therapy? Totally unreasonable to expect to cram in with you. (Or maybe UR of Bil to expect Mil to cram in with you)
It is very easy to say "just what you do for family" but this is not the Waltons - OP states it is known that they do not have much room. Accommodating a child with SN means all the usual family stuff - going out to eat, day trips, babysitting by grannies usually has to be modified or not happen at all.
Best of luck OP.

Why don't you ask her if she minds the sofa?!! You need to talk to her directly and sort this out!

My 75yr old Nanna always sleeps on my parents' sofa, because she likes to stay up late watching tv and the sofa cost a hell of a lot more than my parents' mattress and is super comfy! They talked about these things and they're all happy with the arrangements.

The only way you can sort things like this out is talking! Pick up the phone, talk to MIL, explain everything, look at other possibilities (can you all, inc BIL chip in for a hotel for her, etc).

People have been unreasonable by making assumptions about you, but now you're doing the same back. You need to call her and have a nice chat and sort it all out!