To wish in laws had asked about beds before arranging visit?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

BIL and his partner visiting us as BIL has work sales jolly held near us and partners invited so they are coming too and being put up in hotel with all the other top sales people on the jolly. Great, we are delighted to have chance to see them - we live in tropics , they live in UK so catch ups are rare.

Then we hear via BIL that MIL wants to come too, same dates same flight. Fine, lovely, she can catch up with Ds who she's not seen since he was a baby (he's now 3). We assume MIL also staying in hotel.

It is a known fact that we don't have spare bed or spare bedroom, just our room and DS room and kitchen/sitting room space.

So as not to drip feed, DS has SN and cannot sleep in with us, nor is there room in his bedroom for an adult to sleep.

DH and I would have to give up our bedroom and sleep on sitting room floor.

Which we can do, and will have to do, obviously but FFS, cannot believe nobody has thought to let us know MIL intends staying with us or check there is a damn bed.

Further info: MIL is lovely, super-keen granny, committed Christian, keen to help, tidy, cook, take endless pictures of DS, play and read to him and be really fully involved and then talk lots about art, literature, culture etc etc when he's in bed/n/a.

I like her loads and admire her and am a bit exhausted thinking about it it's only for a week but AIBU to be a bit freaked out about having a keen, excited granny in the house all the time and nowhere to hide or sleep? She doesn't want to avail herself of the tropical tourist stuff. She just wants to be with DS and her family. All the time she is here.

I have very little left to give after full day being SAHM to DS who has a huge schedule of early intervention therapy going on right now and by 8pm I am ready for wine and then bed, I can barely talk. I sleep very badly. I go to bed before 10pm. I need space and silence and time to exercise to cope and be a good parent to DS (and wife to DH). Otherwise I'm afraid to say I can't cope very well.

I am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around.

All this and BIL and partner hanging out with us too and wanting dinner out and home cooked meals and holiday fun and nights out! DH and I are exhausted and have a night out about 6x year. We come home by 11pm.

Help me get perspective on this: am doing it for DH and his family's sake and because DS deserves to get to know his grandmother and vice versa.

But none of them have given a thought to our day to day lifestyle looking after small child with SN, single income, DH working huge hours and me SAHM.

They see the lovely location and the chance to have a super holiday and family catch up.

They didn't even check re sleeping arrangements - they just assumed.

AiBu to feel frustrated and annoyed?

Can you see if anyone nearby wants to rent her a room? A neighbour in need of some extra cash or someone in the same apartment building.

The confusion re rooms has only just been discovered.
BIL has emailed back saying thought mil would be staying with us as he's been booked into hotel by the company and is not staying with us. Then said surprised mil hadn't checked we had room!

Meanwhile no reply from MIL to my email response to her requesting airport pick up and transfer to our apartment (I said sure DH would collect her and bring her to ours after flight, what hotel was she staying at? This was before the realisation dawned that she didn't seem to have actually booked hotel. The 'can you collect me from airport and take me to yours' was the first clue she wasn't staying in hotel with BIL or elsewhere).

So now I am going to get DH to call her at weekend (he is working round clock and can't today) whilst seeing if there are any cheap rooms available. Unlikely, and we can't afford to subsidise a hotel: DS therapy is taking up all cash we have.

Thanks for replies.
Fingers crossed its not too terrible and doesn't mess DS up too much the week before he starts the school place we have been fighting to prepare for all year since diagnoses of ASD and SPD.

I think your MIL is BU and YANBU.

She knows there is no spare room/bed and that her DGS has SN, yet still assumes that she can stay with you without actually asking- I see this as very inconsiderate. I would not necessarily be inclined to suck it up- I would talk to her and BIL/SIL. She may have just got overexcited to be seeing her DGS, and become carried away with it all, but it's still not fair. Can't you discuss this with her- ask if she is definitely planning to stay with you, and if she is could you perhaps suggest this is not really feasible?

I am actually surprised that some posters (e.g 5foot5) think you should change your DS routine- which may cause him some distress, depending on what SNs he has- and postpone his early intervention therapy so she can visit. Even without knowing exactly what SN he has, the fact that this has all been put in place suggests he needs it and it is important he attends. You have arranged that she can come too- which in the circumstances is the best that can be done. Would people suggest putting off a child's medical therapy so the GPs could have "quality time" with the child. I doubt it, so why is it would it be best to postpone this child's early intervention therapy?

Also, as you say she is a stranger to him, so leaving them together for hours on end is not going to be feasible initially- and if she is not physically able to manage/your DSs SN mean he is unable to cope with being left with a comparative stranger, then this won't be possible.

Does your MIL know the extent of your DSs SN and the therapy he needs just now? If not, perhaps you need to discuss this with her so she can understand the situation fully?

Overall, I think you and DH need to discuss this with MIL and SIL/BIL so everyone knows what the situation is and what the difficulties are going to be. Otherwise, I think you are going to feel resentful (and stressed) and things could get strained, leading to a difficult time for all of you.

Good point about DS having right to know family; I am trying to have that at heart of everything.

He would benefit much more from a differently-timed, well-planned consultative visit but hey ho.

I have assumed in laws here to enjoy selves and expect me to facilitate beach fun/nice meals/ granny time but maybe I should think about asking them to help us instead of assuming we just have to meet their needs for tropical Walton moments which ain't going to be deliverable.

Just put her in the hotel! Its not rocket surgery!

I have assumed in laws here to enjoy selves and expect me to facilitate beach fun/nice meals/ granny time but maybe I should think about asking them to help us instead of assuming we just have to meet their needs for tropical Walton moments which ain't going to be deliverable

How tuned into reality is she? That's key ime. My mum was fab, coped with ds1 from the beginning. Not everyone else was as good. I have met an older lady on a train -must have been mid 70's when ds1 was kicking off big time -(and he was about 11 at the time, so not sweet and cute and tiny) who came over and helped and she turned out to be granny to a severely autistic child and she was brilliant as well. But not everyone can do that and put their own ego aside to muck in and realise it's not time to play happy families. If she can, great - it will work. If you doubt it do what you can to get her to a hotel.

Rocket Surgery

I wouldn't sleep on the floor for a week for my MIL if it's any consolation...? But she'd be mortified if she turned up and that's what we were doing....

Sounds like this has been a big misunderstanding.

I hope you manage to find a cheap room for her, it doesn't sound like she'd be very happy staying in your bed with you on the floor, any more than you want to sleep on it....

She is very keen to get involved and help. Reads DS clinical reports, books on autism, loves my regular updates, sends books for him...

Sadly she doesn't know the reality at all though as she's not seen him since he was a baby.

I don't know how she will cope. DS may well scream at the strange lady to go away, won't make eye contact, not want to sit on her knee, be upset someone is on his sofa talking to his mummy, bolt when taken for ice cream, refuse to sit nicely in a tea shop. He certainly won't want her about at bedtime or first thing.

He may adore her and she may be great at Floortime and happy to give him and me space when we need it.

I don't know.
Just checked: no hotels available or affordable.
Will investigate blow up mattress next.

Balaboosta - how helpful do you think your comment is?

It's obvious from the very first post that the OP doesn't have a lot of spare cash, she cannot just book a hotel on the assumption that MIL is going to pick up the tab, that's extremely presumptuous.

Perhaps MIL isn't aware or has forgotten that your DS cannot move in and share the room with you.

DH and I spent 3 nights on a saggy dirty old mattress on SILs back living room over Christmas. I'm a poor sleeper, and whilst I wouldn't say I'm an introvert, I found it hard to say the least to be confronted by relatives ( BIL returned from outside after his first cheroot of the day bleughhh) before I had time to prepare myself or put a bright face on. DH ended up sleeping on the sofa for the following two nights. Some people are equipped to sleep in any position, some aren't. Unfair on the OP who has a number of important appointments to take her DS on, to expect her to sleep on the floor.

Oh and for those saying oh yes we just slept on an air mattress - I assume OP does not have one or she would have mentioned it. I think a double one would cost around £80 - quite a lot if you are short of funds.

I guess this is where you find out how much of the stuff she's read in books on Autism has sunk in! If she's taken it in, then she should be prepared for the response from your DS that she might get and back off and give him the space he needs - although that may be difficult due to space constraints - she can't spend all week in your the bedroom. You may actually need a plan B for her to go and stay somewhere else anyway, if your DS does not cope with her being in the house.
No doubt your are going to have to do some work to prepare DS for the impending visit of this 'stranger'.
It will be difficult, and yes, it was inconsiderate of them all to assume that MIL could just stay, but I suppose she thought it would be nice to spend some time with her grandson and staying with you was the way to do it.

Just read your update OP - that's a shame about the local hotels.

What about BILs hotel - do they have room there?

OP, apologies if my previous comment came over as a little brusque. I do however understand the realities of having children with SN and I do understand the reality of the endless rigmaroles of therapies in order to get your child "school ready". Been there, got the t-shirt.

I don't think it's at all unusual for people in their 70's to "need" someone to hold their hands when they fly. We also live abroad and a lot of our fellow expat friends have reached the stage where their healthy and active parent will only fly if another of their children is going to. Your MIL probably didn't even think about the reality of the accommodation, she may just happy to be able to come and see you.

I stand by my point that you need to relax about it. It is only one week. Sleeping on an air bed isn't going to hurt any of you and there is absolutely no point second guessing how she is going to react to the reality that is your life. She may struggle with it or she may just be awesome. Your son may struggle with her or he may not. Either way, it's just one week.

OP seems to me that you are having an undertone of panic. If she is reading about Autism, reads the doctors reports etc, it would seem that she is very respectful and has an intelligent view of what may be ahead of her, you and her grandson. Try to have a little trust that she won't jump in and devastate your life. Also remember that this woman loves her son as much as you love yours. She really should be allowed full participation in his life and the life of his son. Also, sounds like the first time in three years that she can visit. So all told I bet it goes just fine. Let her come on the therapy sessions and see what you do on a daily basis for your son. Let her cook you a meal or 5. Let her admire your dedication and hard work. Let her become a team player. Most of all, try not to panic. You may even enjoy the visit. I bet she leaves flying your flag, telling everyone how marvelous you are and how lucky DH and ds are to have you! Family is usually a complex affair. Goodluck.

YABU. I think you are making a big issue out of nothing ~ it's only a WEEK. Surely you can make an effort for 7 days for a MIL that is travelling far to see you and who you don't know when you will see again. I bet she would feel horrified if she knew your feelings. Family is precious, how I wish I had such a lovely MIL to visit me.

I hope you can make her welcome and you all have a lovely week

The week would be much better if MIL booked herself into a nice hotel.

OP you have enough on your plate and a good nights sleep is important, sleeping in the lounge isn't going to work. I also think it would probably be best for you DS, sounds like he needs his space so it's not really fair on him.

You are not doing anything wrong by suggesting she sorts out her own accommodation, you don't have the money and staying in your home is just not an option.

Don't feel bad about it.

your DS

YANBU at all, I too "am also unfortunately an anxious introvert who hates having house guests who want to stay in house all the time and talk and tidy and be always around." and I know how you are feeling right now.

Just keep repeating "It's only a week, it's only a week" and remember all the times you've missed her.

It WAS rude, to not even ask and just assume, but maybe they got so excited about seeing you guys they just didn't even think of it.

It'll be fine, use the 'excited keen granny' aspect to your advantage to help during the stay and think how much worse it could be if she was outwardly rude, critical and expected you to take her out sightseeing everywhere! ;p

Yanbu. Kids with spd need downtime to stay on an even keel. Too many people around can be seriously stressful for them. It also sounds like you need time to rest in the evenings too and having someone about in a small place would be detrimental. By all means let her be around all day long but she should have somewhere to go later so that you have space to breathe. She can go out in evenings with her children and leave you to settle yours. Don't underestimate how disruptive this might be. Sometime kids with spd will not like something about a person, could be how they smell, e noise they make while eating, something that seems insignificant but would put your child on edge all the time. I think you can create plenty of family time whilst still allowing a chill out space for you and ds

I think many people have completely overlooked the OPs son and his needs Ohmeohmy.

I think there's an element of both here.

It clearly hasn't gone in - however much reading she has done - just what it means that your DS has SN... or she'd know already that such upheaval is likely to be disastrous for him.

However, it really may be the last/only time she gets to see him. Are you likely to want the stress of taking him to the UK anytime soon?

See, I'd hesitate to throw so much change at an NT 3 year old the week before they started school - it's not a recipe for smooth sailing - but I'd stand it for a perhaps-this-time-only visit from close family. But your DS has different needs and will not bounce back or adjust as readily.

What happens if it becomes clear he can't cope. He can't just 'suck it up'.

Ring her (and the BIL), and explain that you didn't know she was staying, that you're happy to have her BUT that there needs to be a Plan B.

It would be reasonable to expect and ordinary family to cope with this inconvenience, your DS just might not be able to.

Ok OP, what about
A) Seeing if BIL's room has two double beds in it - this is quite common in a lot of hotels (obviously might not be where you are)
B)Trying b&bs?

Your DH needs to explain clearly to his mother about sleeping arrangements, and also about what may happen wrt DS's reactions/behaviour.

My in-laws used to land on me for 2 weeks at a time when DTs born. They drove me up the wall - it was hard work being knee deep in in-laws with their ultra-boring dietry requirements, allergies, early bedtimes (early arrival time 8am!) and need to come with me and help out every where. But they were enthusastic and quick learners and I never wanted for a cup of tea! And all the ironing was done. I grew to respect them more and got used to their wierd ways of doing things .

It is just for a week - you can see the end. Hope they leave you in a better state, like my in-laws did. (They even cleaned out the plug holes .

loveandsmiles, have you read the thread?