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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not tend to my parents graves...

127 replies

formerbabe · 31/01/2014 09:55

My mum died when I was a child and my dad a few years later. I have never visited their graves and have no wish to. I hate cemeteries. I have heard from a relative that their graves are dirty to the point you cannot read the lettering...and as their nearest relative its up to me to sort out. I do not want to go and clean them as like I said I hate cemeteries. I am skint at the moment and have no desire to spend money on this when I could put that money towards things my children need.

Aibu? Be honest pls!

OP posts:
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 31/01/2014 09:56

Well, its up to you really.

puntasticusername · 31/01/2014 09:59

Absolutely - it's up to you whether you do it or not. If this other relative is so bothered, they should go and do it themselves.

I'm sorry you lost your parents Thanks

Fakebook · 31/01/2014 09:59

You can do what you want. I'm sure your children will do the same.

pootlebug · 31/01/2014 10:01

If it bothers your relative, he or she should sort it out. IMO graves are not really for the dead person - they are for the benefit of living relatives/friends if they get comfort out of visiting. Visiting doesn't provide that comfort for you, so you are perfectly entitled to have nothing to do with it.

I'm sorry you lost your parents so young.

Original poster
formerbabe · 31/01/2014 10:01

When I die, I want the cheapest funeral possible and as little money to be spent as possible. I feel strongly that money should not be spent on the dead.

OP posts:
EnlightenedOwl · 31/01/2014 10:01

As above.
I don't visit every week but I do keep my parents' graves in good order but its each to their own.
You wouldn't have to spend a fortune cleaning them I've scrubbed the headstones with a sponge and hot water and its made a difference
But its entirely up to you.

winkywinkola · 31/01/2014 10:03

When I die, cremation and then scattered to the four winds. I'd hate for my dcs to feel obliged to me in death or any time.

LoveWine · 31/01/2014 10:03

I don't know whether YABU or not, but I think you are using money as a reason not to tend to the graves....in so many years you never had a chance to clear the graves...it's not just about money, is it? I think if you don't want to do it, just say so, but don't give excuses.
I personally don't think I could leave my parents graves to rot as it would show I don't care about them. But that's a choice you have made for yourself.

Purplepoodle · 31/01/2014 10:04

Your choice. I would go and clean it but thats me

SnakeyMcBadass · 31/01/2014 10:08

YANBU. Your parents don't care about their graves, and if it brings you no comfort I don't see the point. I find cemeteries quite peaceful places, but I understand completely why you might not. Your parents wouldn't want you to feel obliged, and you don't have to go to a place to remember someone. So do what feels right for you.

Joysmum · 31/01/2014 10:08

A grave isn't where I go to grieve. I grieve everyday and I believe that when we die, the body is empty and it's no no get important to me, just a part of the earth.

Funnily enough, I visit my MIL's grave and give that a tidy, but not my own family graves. I can't explain why?

hootloop · 31/01/2014 10:11

It is up to you, I live near to the cemetery so tend the graves of my Grandparents and Great Grandparents as I pass it but wouldn't make a special trip.
I am sorry you lost your parents so young.

BumPotato · 31/01/2014 10:14

YANBU

CoffeeTea103 · 31/01/2014 10:15

Yabu it's your parents.

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 10:16

So sorry or your loss, i totally understand your position. I do tend my fathers grave, but not as much as it should and we haven't got him a gravestone yet because we can't afford it. Im an only child so no one to share the cost with. My DP made a wooden cross but it needs replacing.

I don't feel guilty though because i don't need to show other people that i loved my dad. I also know that he wouldn't want me to spend money that i can't afford on something like a headstone, he also wouldn't want me feeling dutybound to visit his grave. I think about him every single day, don't need to visit the cemetary to do that. When i go, i go for me, not for anyone else.

My DD1, has never visited her grandads grave, it upsets her too much, so she doesn't go - I totally respect that decision.

If it is that important to the rest of your family, then get them to help out financially, you can pay for the graves to be maintained, so tidied, cleaned and sometimes flowers planted (depending on what option you go for) its usually a one off payment for say, 50 years. If everyone chipped in, it may be affordable? Your relative sounds like a bit of a cow if im honest

sonlypuppyfat · 31/01/2014 10:19

I grieve for my Dad every day I don't get any comfort from seeing his grave at all. If I were you I'd just give the stone a scrub it won't take you a few minutes and get your relation off your back.

following · 31/01/2014 10:19

yanbu it is up to the people it bothers to clean the head stone not you , some people just cant bear going and it is unfair of them to make you feel pressured into it .

ephemeralfairy · 31/01/2014 10:24

YANBU, and so sorry for your loss. My dad died years ago, there is a cross in the cemetery attached to the crematorium where his funeral was but neither my mum nor I have ever visited it.

Every year on the anniversary of his death or sometimes on his birthday we go to one of his favourite places, I'd rather remember him there than in a bloody anonymous graveyard surrounded by death.

Yes I agree, if it bothers yr relative that much let them deal with it! How dare they try to make you feel bad.

MaddAddam · 31/01/2014 10:27

Yanbu, it's up to you how you want to deal with graves, or not deal with them.

I live next to a churchyard and I really like the ones covered with ivy and moss, it seems to me that's how a grave should look.

TheHouseofMirth · 31/01/2014 10:29

I also lost my parents as a teenager and have never visited their grave, it would just feel very odd. I remember my parents many other ways and this is just not something that resonates with me.

If your relative is really bothered about this then why don't they tidy it up for you?

VelvetGecko · 31/01/2014 10:35

I think it's a personal choice. My friend lost her dad last year and hasn't been able to visit his grave since. My mother on the other hand has been tending her parents grave for 25 years, and yes it's expensive.

Theas18 · 31/01/2014 10:35

Hmm tricky one. Personal choice I guess. I can see why you might not want to.

reminds me to put in my will ashes scattered and no stone. Remember me as I was and don't feel obliged to go somewhere to mainly feel sad.

peggyundercrackers · 31/01/2014 10:40

to take a damp sponge with you to clean them costs nothing - I think YABU using money as an excuse. if you dont want to do it just tell your relative you dont want to do it instead of making excuses.

AwfulMaureen · 31/01/2014 10:44

I don't visit my Dad's grave as it's too sad. I do send flowers at Christmas and Birthdays though. I know my Dad wouldn't mind...he'd hate me to mope about the graveyard feeling bad. He knows I think of him daily.

AwfulMaureen · 31/01/2014 10:45

You know OP you don't need to take flowers. You could take some cleaning stuff and maybe a plant from the garden or an ornament. Also a pot of something Spring-like costs 2 quid. I think if my Mum didn't maintain my Dad's grave, then I would.