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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not tend to my parents graves...

127 replies

formerbabe · 31/01/2014 09:55

My mum died when I was a child and my dad a few years later. I have never visited their graves and have no wish to. I hate cemeteries. I have heard from a relative that their graves are dirty to the point you cannot read the lettering...and as their nearest relative its up to me to sort out. I do not want to go and clean them as like I said I hate cemeteries. I am skint at the moment and have no desire to spend money on this when I could put that money towards things my children need.

Aibu? Be honest pls!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/01/2014 20:38

'almost get a sense of " I can do and say what I like because X Y Z happened to me"'

Actually, neither my name nor my general posting style has changed in the past 9 years I've been here. But if people chose to waste time psychoanalysing complete strangers, far be it from me to stop them. Smile

everlong · 31/01/2014 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MostWicked · 31/01/2014 20:56

Scrubbing their gravestones doesn't mean you grieve for them any more than someone who doesn't.
Not visiting doesn't mean you grieve for them any less than someone who visits every day
If you were very young, you quite possibly have only a little knowledge of them. That is tragic, but it is entirely and completely up to you how you deal with that.

I completely agree with you about wanting the cheapest funeral possible. So often it is about what is seen to be done, rather than what matters to the people closest.

canthelpbutthinktheworldismad · 31/01/2014 21:02

and if people choose to assume my posts are about them, then far be it for me to correct them Hmm

defineme · 31/01/2014 21:13

I don't think many people can empathise with you op, only posters like babsmam that lost their parents at a very young age too. It's up to you and I can't see any reason why you would have a connection with their graves, given your age at their time of death.
I find visiting places associated with my Dad very difficult because it's examining a grief that I have coped with by locking away.

FootieOnTheTelly · 31/01/2014 21:22

OP YANBU. Not at all, not even a tiny little bit.

Pigsmummy · 31/01/2014 21:31

Expat this post isn't about you.

bonvivant · 31/01/2014 21:48

I don't know really. My mum and dad tend to their parents' graves but I know someone who cannot bear to go to his mother's grave because it reinforces that she is dead. I haven't been back to my grandparents' graves because I would find it too upsetting, even after all these years. It's not because I don't care - they are often in my thoughts and I am crying as I write this response - but because it is easier to get on with life if I don't attend their graves

TalkinPeace · 31/01/2014 22:02

OP
have not read whole thread

Did you choose your parents grave stones?
Did you have a connection to them before your parents remains were placed there?
Do you remember your parents before they chose to be there?

if no to any of the above, get on with your life, as the things in the cemetery are the part of your parents you did not know

sparklyskyy · 31/01/2014 22:07

Hmmm. When I visit the cemetery to visit my grandparents and friend's graves I am always saddened by the state of their grave and headstone.

However, I don't visit often, and neither do my relatives, because of how far away it is and, like you, I don't particularly like cemeteries (who does to be fair?).

It does strike me though that perhaps you feel you should visit and tidy up otherwise you wouldn't have written a post about it so perhaps you're not sure?

This is why I don't want to be buried. I don't want to 1. Rot in the ground 2. Have family members worrying about who has to tidy my grave up 3. Years down the line be forgotten about with an overgrown headstone and trampled on grave.

sparklyskyy · 31/01/2014 22:09

FWIW I don't understand people saying it's expensive tending a grave?? I always took a sponge and skooshy bottle and that was it! How is it expensive??

ThistleVille · 31/01/2014 22:11

My mum died 5 years ago. In her will she didn't specify burial or cremation. Myself and my siblings decided on a burial. One brother has visited once, the other not at all since the funeral. I go regularly because I want too. Each to our own. It's not a problem. I find visiting a comfort, the others don't. It's fine.

Alisvolatpropiis · 31/01/2014 22:11

My family are not the "tend long deceased memebers graves" type. It doesn't mean we didn't and still do love that person.

stiffstink · 31/01/2014 22:42

I'm in two minds about what I would do in OP's position.

One grandad's grave was covered in ornamental stones that certain family members roped us all into scrubbing annually. Thankfully the church turfed over everywhere so that task is no more.

Other grandad is in the cemetery across the road and I feel hugely guilty that I haven't scrubbed it in the last 5 years. His other grandchildren would not be able to tell you where he's buried, which makes me sad but they didn't know him in life so why would it make any difference now he's gone.

Strangely, one of my enduring memories of him is when he got locked in a different cemetery accidentally when walking the dog aand we had to climb over a gate and through a hedge to free him!

perplexedpirate · 31/01/2014 22:58

Someone I loved very very dearly has no grave. I would to attend it, but it doesn't mean that I don't respect their memory in a hundred other ways every day.
Do what's right for you OP. I'm sorry you lost your parents so young.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/01/2014 23:36

I think this thread is about all of us Pigsmummy

Ask not for whom the bell tolls ....

ladymariner · 31/01/2014 23:46

Could never imagine leaving my darling Dad's grave to become all dirty and ill cared for, I take a pride in it looking clean with nice flowers on (we put silk roses on at Christmas and they look as good as new now so it doesn't have to be expensive). The pain when I visit is as raw as ever, but I don't really feel he left us as we love him so much and talk about him as ever, I just couldn't bear to think of his final resting place looking shabby. He was worth so much more than that.

And if we're talking insulting, hurtful posts then Nigellasdealer wins...... "it's just a bit of old stone" . No it damn well isn't, it's what marks the place where we laid our Dad, we took care to choose something that looked nice and words that reflected what a truly wonderful man he was. And to read something as flippant and ignorant as what she wrote has sent me skywards.

steff13 · 31/01/2014 23:54

My dad died when I was 21, and my mom when I was 24. I am the oldest child, and their parents are dead with the exception of my paternal grandmother, who is 94 and in a long-term care facility. I don't like to visit the graves, but I do go once a year to make sure they are being maintained. If they aren't, I alert the caretakers at the cemetery and they take care of it. OP, if you call the cemetery, will they clean it up?

I actually love cemeteries. I bet you have some amazing ancient ones in the UK.

Caitlin17 · 01/02/2014 00:19

I love old graveyards. I completely agree with the poster who mentioned how lovely her family's old ,overgrown and not neatly cared for graveyard is.

I dont think there is a right nor a wrong here. I've never been to my maternal grandparents'grave. My grandfather was a father to me and I loved him dearly but he ,meaning the essence of him,isn't in that grave.

babsmam · 01/02/2014 13:35

Thanks op.

No vivat I could have written your post. My beloved granddad dies nine years ago and bar the funeral I haven't been to the grave but I miss him every day. Part of the reason I don't go to any grave, although I love wandering around cemeteries, is probably some unresolved grief issues that I have never dealt with.

As others have said we deal with death differently and there are no rights and wrongs here.

babsmam · 01/02/2014 13:35

Bonvivant sorry I meant - stupid auto correct

ssd · 01/02/2014 13:58

death is such an emotive subject, and who has died and when makes it all the more poignant.

op, no one but you can say if you're being unreasonable, you will have your own reasons for doing what you do, to some it'll be fine and to others its the last thing they'd do.

as with everything else, suit yourself, thats all any of us can say.

eggsandwich · 01/02/2014 14:41

This is exactly why I want to be cremated when I die! I'd hate people to think it's their duty to tend my grave.

Chunderella · 01/02/2014 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderBomb · 01/02/2014 16:08

Am another one who loves old cemteries and graveyards, I find them fascinating and could happily spend all day in one just walking around and reading the headstones.

Obviously as time moves on immediate family also get old and pass on themselves and there's no one left to tend their grave, but it always me feel a bit sad when you see a recent grave that's being neglected. Each to their own though, everyone grieves differently.