aibu to not tend to my parents graves...

[formerbabe]

My mum died when I was a child and my dad a few years later. I have never visited their graves and have no wish to. I hate cemeteries. I have heard from a relative that their graves are dirty to the point you cannot read the lettering...and as their nearest relative its up to me to sort out. I do not want to go and clean them as like I said I hate cemeteries. I am skint at the moment and have no desire to spend money on this when I could put that money towards things my children need.

Aibu? Be honest pls!

Oh I quite like cemetaries too, but I never go and see my dad's. As others have said it just doesn't mean anything to me and I will remember him and grieve for him in other ways, I don't need to visit a rock.

That said, if I had heard (and I wouldn't know because I don't visit it) that someone had knocked it over or graffitied all over it, I'd be fuming! I don't mind nature taking over though as I feel it does show time has passed and with it how we remember them.

The money thing is just an excuse, but rather than a relative gossiping about you, is it not just that they felt it was your place to do it and haven't themselves as they feel it might be stepping on your toes? Could you just give them a call and say 'it holds no special place in my heart, but if you would like it preserved I'd happy for you to clean it up'. I'm sure that's all it is.

Infact, the more I think about it the more I think the relative might be saddened because they feel like the person is being forgotten about, so it really might not be a dig at you, but to them it might be important that way.

YANBU but having spent a holiday searching out family members to get dates/relationship information etc and really struggling to read some stones, it's made me see maintaining them is something I should be doing for the future generations... Just a shame I live in a different country...

I think its rude and disrespectful of your relative. Very unkind!

I think people have a responsibility to keep their 'bit' of a cemetery tidy at least because cemeteries are used by lots of other people who may not like it if some plots are especially messy. It can be a bit inconsiderate of the people who visit the plot next to yours.

But beyond that, I think it's entirely up to you.

YANBU it is only an old bit of stone

The money is a bit of a red herring. A jay cloth, a bottle of water, maybe a non-stick safe scourer and a pair of scissors are usually all it takes to keep a grave neat and tidy.
If you are long way away, then travel costs do come in to it. If you wanted to put some flowers on , then planting some bulbs or a miniature shrub can give some colour and give the impression that the grave is cared for, without having to visit often.

But the bottom line is that you don't have to do any of this if you don't want to.

Maybe you could give your relative permission to look after the graves on behalf of the whole family - sometimes it can feel like overstepping to just get on with it when it would usually be next-of-kins role, so that might be why they raised it with you rather than just doing it themselves.

Just don't do it if you don't want to. ANd if the other relative pesters you, say 'You do it if you're so bothered about it' and keep repeating that till s/he either does so or gets off your back. It's a totally individual thing whether to tend a grave or not.

It may upset your relative to see it like that and they may feel in tidying it they are insulting you.

So rather than get het up, just calmly say that it upsets you and that they can feel free to tidy/plant as they desire.

Tbh your post sounds childish, 'I hate graveyards' repeated and not I find it upsetting or like to remember them elsewhere. Pick your tone with your relatives and everyone can be happy.

YANBU former. I like cemeteries because I find them interesting. I went to find my nan and grandad's parents' graves not long ago and they haven't been tended for years. My nan says she doesn't feel they are there. She buys her mum amd MIL's favourite flowers and has them in the house instead.

I think the poster who said it shows you don't care is being very harsh. It's an individual choice how you decide to remember your parents. Sorry you've lost them both .

Also, I don't think the OP has to "stop making excuses". It's nothing to do with anyone else and she can feel however she feels. If she wants to give her reasons then that's perfectly justified. If she doesn't, equally so.

What good is actually going to come out of cleaning a stone?

Op yanbu and don't worry about excuses you don't need any

OP YANBU. I am sorry for your loss.

I appreciate that some people find the grave of a loved one a special place, but that is not the case for all people. And I think the people YABUing on this thread are being hugely unfair to impose their rules about grief on others.

My DF was cremated and scattered at his own request. It doesn't mean I loved him any less, and it doesn't mean I don't grieve. As someone upthread said, you don't need a grave to do this.

You don't need to give any reasons, and actually my DF always used to say a reason is not an excuse but an explanation.

If your relative mentions it again, just tell her if it bothers her she is free to sort it, but that is not the way you honour and remember your parents.

My dad has no stone or plaque. He donated his body to medical science and was then cremated and scattered near the university. I have been 3 times in 30 years. Once as a child, the only time (as far as I know) my mum has been, once a lot later out of curiosity as I couldn't remember the place and once when I was going to get married. The university has a memorial to all who left them their remains and that is where I left flowers. My dad wanted no fuss and no expense. I think how the dead are remembered is down to both them and their family, there is no right way.

No, YANBU.

Tell the really to do it themselves if they are so bothered.

I love this poem and it speaks to how you feel.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Ask your relative why they haven't given the grave a bit of a clean? It could be that this relative has an agenda/motive is to get you there?

I am sorry for your loss, If I was in your position I would go visit the grave and tidy it but I have my parents both alive so I am in a very different position to you.

YANBU. I don't visit my parents' rose bush in the crem. It isn't where they are. Tell the relative to do it herself if she's concerned.

YANBU. My mum didn't want a grave for this very reason.

Its your choice but i couldnt not do it.

I've visited my Dad's grave once since he died, even though I've been to see Mum who lives in the same village as the churchyard. Going to see it won't help me to stop missing him Mum tends the grave fairly regularly but it's not for him, it's all about her: "I'd hate people to think I wasn't looking after it properly - it's such a responsibility looking after a grave" She's quite snobbish about it too, making sure his has the best wreath at Christmas, the nicest flowering bulbs in the spring, a lovely autumnal arrangement of twigs etc etc & gloats rather about the whole thing.

YANBU OP. You being the nearest relative does not prevent the other relativise from cleaning the grave if they feel it necassery.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your choice. My daughter has a grave, where I plan to rest myself. I tend to her grave, it is where all that was mortal of her lies. I hope I die before my surviving children, I could not live with the pain of losing another child, and I will not care if they clean it or not.

Make no mistake, despite that ridiculous poem, dead people are gone. 'I did not die,' my arse.