aibu to not tend to my parents graves...

[formerbabe]

My mum died when I was a child and my dad a few years later. I have never visited their graves and have no wish to. I hate cemeteries. I have heard from a relative that their graves are dirty to the point you cannot read the lettering...and as their nearest relative its up to me to sort out. I do not want to go and clean them as like I said I hate cemeteries. I am skint at the moment and have no desire to spend money on this when I could put that money towards things my children need.

Aibu? Be honest pls!

I visit my fathers grave nearly every year, around the weekend closest to his death. I trim it down, wipe the headstone of all the bird crap that's landed there, I lay a wreath and chat to him while I work.

My sister and I chose his headstone ourselves when we were little girls of 8 and 10, it is positioned on a crest, just so that when you turn around you stand looking over fields and the headland, and you can see the ferry leaving the harbour to go to Ireland, which is where he was born and raised.

That is my choice and it is how I deal with my emotions surrounding my fathers death.

Each to their own. There is no wrong way of grieving or paying tribute to the dead. Cemeteries and graveyards have a special kind of peace for me.

I visit my mums once a year. None of us like graves same as none of us like hospitals but I feel it is my duty. She cared for me and now I care for her grave. It is the least I can do. Last time I took a pot of daffs cost £2 from tesco so money is an excuse.

Just be honest you don't want to do it - it isn't about the money or liking cemeteries!

Yes expat, I think those last four words spoil that poem, which otherwise I quite like. So sorry for your loss.

That poem is stupid as all fuck. Worst of all, clueless muggles regularly wheel it out and shove it under the noses of those whose loved ones have died, the sympathy equivalent of a cheap box of chocolates. 'I did not die.' Really, then why aren't you here? It's right up there with, 'God needed another angel,' 'They wouldn't want you to be sad,' and 'Only the good die young' forms of twattery.

expat after the loss you've suffered you have the right to say that...you do. But for me, someone with a "normal" loss it's quite comforting.

I found it wanky even before she died.

Worst of all, clueless muggles regularly wheel it out and shove it under the noses of those whose loved ones have died, the sympathy equivalent of a cheap box of chocolates. In my case I shared it because it has given me comfort over the years. I'm sorry if it upset you.

'expatinscotland IMHO "I am not there, I did not die" means that the person who has died lives on in the memories of loved ones.'

Yes, I realise that, Ms

I find it stupid. Others don't.

Some people don't like graves and cemeteries, others do.

You like it, fine. I think it's wank and always have.

You like it, fine. I think it's wank and always have.
I said I didn't particularly like it.

'You' can be used to address in general, which is how it was meant, but you have also been personally insulting to me, which I have not been to you.

Please re-read the Talk Guidelines.

Saying that the tone of someone's post makes someone sound stupid as fuck is not a personal insult. I found the tone of your post offensive as someone had posted a poem which gave them comfort in their grief and you came along and obliterated it.

She did not say she took comfort from it when it was posted, just that she loved it.

I don't and posted it.

You got all bent out of shape about it and found time to be offended by a difference of opinion.

That is your lookout.

Carry on being so.

I believe death and grief is a very very personal thing. You should deal with it in your own way, remember and honour your parents in your own way, and look after yourself as a priority.
Your parents would want you to be happy, not to tend to their graves for the sake of appearances and other relatives.
Different people view death differently, IMO you are not doing any dishonour or anything you should feel bad about by not doing something which youa re uncomfotable with.
That is my opinion though.
Similarly, on a side note, I personally don't understand funerals or ever feel the need or wish to go. Some say that is disrespectful, which I feel is unfair and unnecessary judging. I personally remember somebody from the wonderful memories of when they were alive. Although, those close to me I have always been able to say 'goodbye' and expected their death, and I guess hence have 'closure'. I don't understand the need to 'celebrate their life' at a time everyone is sorely missing them or grieving. Or that you should go to be respectful/honour the person, funerals are more for the grieving than for the person who died. If you don't want or feel comfortable going, don't go. Some people find them helpful and therapeutic - for me, they do the opposite.
I can see it is different when it is an unexpected death. Again, this is all just my opinion though and a side note.

As to whether or not the OP is being unreasonable, I don't think she is.

She doesn't want to clean them, so don't.

I think that if someone takes the time to post something like that, it is obvious that it means something to them (especially if they say that they love it.) You have a right to your opinion but why so forceful? Why not say you don't like it and leave it at that?

We can post as we like as long as guidelines are maintained. It's an opinion and can be worded however the poster wants to word it, as vociferously as they please, as long as it does not breach guidelines. Just as some people on here have told the OP she is being unreasonable for not cleaning the graves.

It's up to HQ to determine how 'forceful' a person can be, not you.

But again, carry on being personal.

Yes, you can post whatever you like. Stuff other people's opinion.

...or feelings.

And you can also continue to post personal messages of scorn and hijack threads . . .

Grief is a very personal thing - some like to visit graves/crematoriums, others not. Maybe if you had lost your parents in recent years you would like to visit, Formerbabe, but as you were so young when they died, then it is perfectly understandable that you have no desire to.

You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Don't feel pressured into doing something other than that, and don't feel guilty for it either.

Nicely put, DalmationDots!

When my DM was diagnosed with breast cancer my parents talked openly about death and what they wanted - to the point of writing each others elegies (they were quite religious)

My Parents both hated cemeteries and the thought that we'd feel obliged to maintain their graves so decided they would be buried on a "green site" with only a tree to mark their final resting places.

Both my parents have now died and I never feel obligated to visit except on beautiful days - whether its a frosty morning or sunny autumn afternoon, me and the dog enjoy a run round such a peaceful and beautiful place.

Give each other a break on this one. It's too emotive to end well.

I can understand why some people don't like the poem but I can also see how it would be comforting to others.

Really sorry you lost your DD, expat.

some people can be really sharp and nasty sometimes.
almost get a sense of " I can do and say what I like because X Y Z happened to me"