aibu to not tend to my parents graves...

[formerbabe]

My mum died when I was a child and my dad a few years later. I have never visited their graves and have no wish to. I hate cemeteries. I have heard from a relative that their graves are dirty to the point you cannot read the lettering...and as their nearest relative its up to me to sort out. I do not want to go and clean them as like I said I hate cemeteries. I am skint at the moment and have no desire to spend money on this when I could put that money towards things my children need.

Aibu? Be honest pls!

When I die, cremation and then scattered to the four winds. I'd hate for my dcs to feel obliged to me in death or any time.

My dad requested this, and we honoured it. However, we all miss not having somewhere to visit, like a grave. Don't assume that your children will want to 'not feel obliged to you in death'.

As for the OP, if you don't want to go because you don't like cemeteries, then fair enough. But it is not necessarily a money issue- as said upthread a good clean with soapy water would probably bring it up nicely.

My family have a very old graveyard in the highlands (it's not ours specifically, but most of the 'residents' are relatives or ancestors).. It's not tended regularly by anyone. I know that if there's a burial they cut the grass - but apart from that it's left to nature generally, which is lovely. My gt grandparents have a snow drop plant and I think there's a couple of other pot plants at some graves but generally, it's just left and goes as nature takes it. Most graves are covered in moss and long grass.

It's all very peaceful and changes very slowly over time which is lovely. Kind of highlights how death is a very natural process I suppose.

As others have said,why doesn't your relative take care of the grave if she's so upset?

YANBU - I'm sure your dear departed will be perfectly fine Resting In Peace in the cemetry, like many other untended, more natural graves.

Agree with the wise PPs who've said graves are really for the living in case they can gain some comfort from visiting the final resting place of their loved ones.

You've made me think I would quite like to visit my grandparents grave, as haven't been back there for many years. If I did I suppose I might brush away a few cobwebs and perhaps put some of my granny's favourite flowers on there, or plant a little something.
But only really because I'd like to.

I'm so sorry you lost your parents at such a young age x

I must be really in the minority as I love a wander round a cemetary and not neccesarily the cemetary where my relatives are buried. I find it very peaceful and quite interesting reading the stones. Sounds very macabre but honestly i'm quite sane. Where are they, i'll give them a clean up.

In answer to your question, its your decision and you should never feel obliged to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or upsets you. She is being unreasonable to put this on you.

peggyundercrackers you are right, all it takes is a sponge and a bit of weeding - so let her relative do it if its that important to them. The OP doesn't want to associate a grave with her parents so she doesn't go. She could follow my suggestion to pay for upkeep if she wanted to but she can't afford it. The other relatives are being unreasonable, not the OP.

I was the one that insisted my Dad was buried and not cremated, the rest of the family were but i wanted somewhere to visit, I thought it would help as i didn't want to let go. It doesn't, at all. I made the wrong decision.

Heathcliff but have you lost a parent? I like them too....until my Dad died.

No, YANBU. I don't visit my mother's grave. It means nothing to me, she isn't there. It's entirely your choice what you do.

YANBU dh's mother died 13yrs ago - he has only been once and hated it. If it bothers the relative then give her the green light to tidy herself, and say that you will remember them in other ways.

Well maureen thats an entirely other thread as I will welcome the day they die and will only be attending said funerals to make sure they're really dead.

YANBU dh's mother died 13yrs ago - he has only been once and hated it. If it bothers the relative then give her the green light to tidy herself, and say that you will remember them in other ways.

My grandparents are my parents as I see it and they are all dead.

Heathcliff

Do what feels right to you not what others expect you to do.

We lost mum in 2006, my dad lived quite near and used to go every day. After poor health we have moved dad into a bungalow nearer to my sister.

He can't get there everyday now so I take him once a week to tend the grave and when he goes I will continue this for him. I won't feel obliged to though, but will do it for him.

Our cemetery is really lovely and I enjoy some quiet time when I go. I certainly don't need to go to remember my mum, I remember her every day in some small way.

I'm sorry for the experiences behind your words Heathcliff x

Make some effort, cleaning a headstone is not expensive! Have some pride and stop making excuses

I find a few wet wipes brings up my grandma's gravestone well. It may be that the op would have to travel to the grave, hence the cost. The reason I do my grandma's is because its a 50 mile round trip for my mum.

I don't ever do flowers though as I don't like seeing dead flowers on graves, and we are not allowed to plant anything.

Its fine, really it is, their made their choices in life as did I. In all honesty it will be a relief when the time finally comes, but however, we digress.

Its up to you op. It seems a little sad to me, but I don't suppose your parents will know. Everyones circumstances are different. Do whats right for you.

My plan is to be cremated and put into a flower bed at the cemetery. No grave as such, as my deceased loved ones are with me whenever I think of them and I want to be remembered the same way.

If the grave isn't a focus of your memories then YANBU to entirely ignore it and to suggest to anyone else that they are welcome to do what they like to attend it but that it's not something you feel you need to do.

I'm a "do not stand at my grave and weep" sort of person.
I think the money is better spent on your children.

I entirely agree with people that say a grave is for the living not the dead.

I think of my dad every day, I tend to his grave because it is his last resting place. However, I have been very fortunate to have a lifetime of the most precious memories of my dad, I want to look after his grave & feel no obligation.

OP - YANBU, your decision is entirely a personal one & should be respected.

Yanbu. I don't visit or tend my dads grave at all. He has been dead 38 years this year and the only going I have done is get the headstone fixed when it was deemed unsafe.

He died just before I turned 2 and perverse as it sounds I have no emotional connection to someone I didn't know. I grieve for not having a dad and that he died so young but not for the remains of the man in the ground I never knew.

That's really sad babsmam...that you never knew him. I don't feel particularly sad at the thought of visiting their graves but I don't feel any connection. I would remember them better by visiting their favourite restaurants or holiday destinations we went to as children etc.

YANBU. As said upthread, graves - and funerals and the lot of it tbh - are for the living, not the dead. People must do whatever aids them best. For some that is tending a stone, for others it is doing something in remembrance, for others it's visiting a special place, for others it's telling stories of the person, etc etc.

As an aside, graves are such sad things. They all go the same way eventually. Old, dirty and forgotten. Just a reminder that in the end, there's nobody left who remembers. I don't want a grave. Tended or not tended in the short term, in the end it will be old and dirty and forgotten.

Please don't let the relative make you feel bad. If they wanted to tend the grave for the right reasons, they would simply have done it. Some people view the tending of a grave as some sort of public display of remembrance or of how good and proper you are. It should never be that. It should be a comfort to the bereaved or not done at all. It's not like the scrubbing of your front step so the neighbours see how clean it is.