to think that as children get older they can't get *that* much more expensive?

[shhhw]

OK, laugh me off the planet. But everyone recites this mantra constantly - that they get much more expensive as they get older. How, exactly? I am already paying for 2 lots of music lessons, ballet lessons, riding lessons, school trips, presents to take to constant birthday parties, shoes and more shoes, clothes etc etc etc. So if I choose to be mean with pocket money, where does the huge expense come? And when does it kick in?

Hobbies get much more expensive as they get older.

Yours have riding lessons. At some point they are going to want their own horse if they continue riding. Then they will want to go to competitions, which means transporting the horse, having all the right kit, and paying the entrance fees etc etc.

All hobbies seem to be the same. Once they hit the teen years the costs skyrocket.

And I did at the idea you would never get your DCs a phone. All teenagers I know have a phone, and all the ones in independent schools have way better phones than I do (as well as laptops which are of course essential items for their homework)

Tanner we have just been turned down for NHS treatment even though both dentist and ortho reckon work is essential

Out can't you appeal it?

It doesn't have to be that expensive, particularly if you and your DC are prepared not to follow the herd. We don't have much money, but my DC does loads of activities. We have managed to find some excellent activities that are free, and to obtain a scholarship and other funding to cover others. But she would certainly have fewer opportunities open to her, for financial reasons, if she wasn't talented at what she does.
At 11, she wears charity shop or supermarket clothes, has no high tech gadgets, many of her birthday and Christmas presents are second hand, and she gets very little pocket money. She also goes on no expensive school trips and we only go on very cheap UK holidays, but she has been abroad on her own a couple of times on cheap holidays, including a language exchange where the family took her skiing. She also goes to a private school (with high scholarship). So she actually gets rather a lot, despite my not spending all that much money on her. It's hard work, but possible. She is not at all consumerist - has never expressed any interest in nice clothes or high tech gadgets, and reports feeling no pressure from her schoolmates so far. This may of course change...

I don't you can , you only get. NHS treatment if you fit certain measurements , got ds3 now to get through

ffm, ours ended up with 2 show jumping horses in livery - about £12k a year I think....an expensive period.

I still stick with my basic point that losing the lifetime career earnings though of a mother (or father) who might have ended up promoted at work is the biggest loss. Everything else pales into nothing, unless she would never have earned much anyway I suppose.

I put costs at school fees 5 x 13 years about £13k a year on average = £845k
University and post grad about £200k
The horses about £12k x say 4 years £48k
Cost of a nanny say roughly 10 years of full time at say £30k = £300,000
Help with property so far about £110k
Cars - paid so far for 3 sets of driving lessons, car insurance etc xx
Holidays 7 of us skiing a good few times is quite a bit etc etc xx
Share of wedding cost of one so far....
Music lessons about £1k a year for 5 x 11 years - about £55k

Clothes, food etc seems tiny in terms of cost compared to the things above.

Of course you only spent what you can and families differ. It doesn't have to be expensive and plenty of children grow up in families where if they want a phone when they are 14 they have to earn the money to buy it.

Well - university maintenance alone is going to cost dh and I £48,500 over the six years that the three dses are at university.

Out my friend appealed it and won, ask you dentist

they eat like horses, need driving everywhere (rural), they refuse to wear second hand clothes any longer, and take adult shoe sizes.
school trips they can do without tbh, at 1200 a throw.

Thanks weelady I will do that

I agree with littlemiss (and one or two others) - a lot of things mentioned on this thread that parents are buying their teenager children are luxuries, not necessities. I am sure my DS would like an ipad/latest tablet/designer clothes etc but he understands that those sort of things are luxuries and he can either save up from birthday/Christmas money or go without. Likewise if he 'refuses to wear secondhand clothes' - tough. He has a wide circle of friends so our 'austerity' measures - don't seem to do him any harm.

He does have an expensive hobby plays sport for the county (boast ) but sports kit etc is a birthday present. Likewise he is going on an expensive school trip this year but again, that is a very generous Christmas present - he doesn't get all those 'extras' plus even more presents.

I appreciate that having horses as a hobby is very expensive - but that is clearly out of the league of most mumsnetters surely? feels grateful for the cost of Scout subscriptions .

keeping a horse is not that bad rround ere, she eats less than the teenagers haha.
anyway i agree about the tablet/ipad/designer clothes, they do not need that stuff.

The new baby will be a lot younger, by the sounds of it. Why not try a new lifestyle with him/her? Downsize, and/or send her/him to state school. You'll have no money worries, and may find that you prefer the new lifestyle - state school has lots of advantages.

DS at 11 years old was considerably cheaper to keep in the style with which he eventually became accustomed.
His 1st mobile phone was less than £100 to buy outright, but would have been the equivalent to a mid range smart phone now.

At secondary school, he was happy to wear high street brands, Nike, Adidas, Kickers shoes, and he was more than happy to wear Lynx spray and aftershave that was at the cheaper end of the market etc, but as he moved up to college, this changed to more expensive branded clothing from Blue Inc, aftershave such as Diesel etc. This coincided with him wanting driving lessons and a holiday abroad with friends for the first time.

Now, at 22, he spends a colossal amount of money imo on clothes, and despite not having many items of clothing, they are imo expensive items although not always necessarily great quality, it's all in the name as his friends do too. I bought him a Fred Perry T Shirt for xmas which cost £40, for 1 T shirt and he does wear it, and he wears his Roberto Cavalli items too, but I have never seen him wear his ASOS tops that DD gave him. Maybe ASOS are not cool enough. His jeans which inevitably get trashed regularly and as a result I do not buy for him anymore are at least £100 a pair. It is disheartening to see him wearing those jeans for work after a few months of buying them.
His last bottle of aftershave was almost £70!!
As I said before, DS pays for the majority of these things himself, I only treated him at xmas and birthdays and bought his car himself, but I know for a fact that despite trashing his jeans regularly, he looks after what he has bought with far more care when he has paid for it himself.

How any parent of a uni aged DC can afford to shower their DC with these items and cars and driving lessons, and activities, and tuition fees and spending money is frankly beyond my comprehension.
It is also beyond my comprehension how any parent believes providing the luxury items is part and parcel of being parent to a fully grown adult. Surely your DC understand that these are huge sums of money to be spending on unnecessary items??

I haven't found that the teenage years have been vastly more expensive than the younger years, which is just as well because of my low income. 3 DDs ages 17, 13 and 7.

DD1 actually eats less food now, she ate vast quantities of food until she was 13 and then slowed down. DD2 eats about the same amount as DD3. Uniforms costs are very reasonable, we holiday cheaply so camping or youth hostels and the DDs have never been into designer clothes, they're happy with Primark or charity shops.

Their phone contracts are very modest and their hobbies seem to be virtually free. Gadgets are saved for from birthday/xmas presents and any earnings. We eat out very cheaply and they get a small allowance each month. No travel costs for school and the college bus is £5 a week. Most course materials are provided for DD1.

We have railcards (family and friends and young person), yha membership, English Heritage and National Trust memberships, so we get out and about with minimal costs.

I'm just relieved that I only need part time childcare for one child now

People who don't have much money can't spend much money, basically, and their children have no option but to accept that. Perhaps they will grow up caring far less about consumer goods and expensive holidays, particularly if they have a good relationship with their parents and get it that other things are more important. The trend on here seems to be that teenagers pretty much NEED, or SHOULD HAVE, what other teenagers around them have. But the current teenager trend seems to be for v expensive clothes, gadgets, activities etc. I'm not sure that it's that important to buy in to all that. Or will the children of those of us who live on modest wages grow up unpopular, desperate to fit in, yearning for what they haven't had, resentful of their parents?

Actually Dromedary mine aren't that bad on the clothes front and have pretty battered lap tops and "ordinary" smart phones rather than the latest models. Neither has an Ipad. I quite agree that if there aren't funds available teenagers have to accept what is available but it shocks me that one of dd's friends whose mum is in straightened circumstances is very very demanding and mum feels terribly guilty. Her dd has a better wardrobe than mine and yet wants more and I find that very sad.

What I do have difficulties with are when parents make children "make do" or worse even when they have funds. DH deeply resents that and the fact that he was hungry growing up - not because his parents were hard up but because they were mean and preferred to count their money rather than spend it. That I think is where he will spend more on them at the drop of the hat, although that's mostly about travel, than I will.

I think there are different motivators for everyone regardless of funds available. I still think DC do get more expensive though as they get bigger.

God my daughter's cheap! She's 16 and never asks for money. Dreading the small ones hitting their teens and it being a nasty surprise!

Near but there is a huge difference between being 'mean' and 'being careful'. We could probably afford to spend more on our DS if we chose to, however we believe it is important to budget carefully and save - we have paid off our mortgage and have reasonable savings. As we are self employed it is essential that we can fund our own pensions in the future etc. We explain this to our DS and started a pension fund for him when he was born - yes - we could spend that £80 child benefit per month on designer clothes/gadgets etc but we believe it is a life skill to learn about savings more than needing to 'fit in' with the latest teenage trend.

I have an acquaintance who is on a very low wage, huge mortgage & car loan (she tells me) yet happily forks our for top brand clothes for her 14 year old - he has no concept of how much these cost in relation to her wages or expenses. I do think some parents seem to want to be over generous and indulgent towards their children.

As nearthewindmill says, it's often a reaction to the parents' own circumstances growing up.

My dh too had mean parents. They wouldn't even pay his maintenance grant at university (and those were the days of free fees). When mil lost mental capacity her dcs were astounded at the amount of savings she had. Those savings have now completely gone on several years of care home fees. Something tells me she would still be pleased her dcs never got the money...

So, my dh errs on the side of extravagance. He says he is determined to give the dcs Christmases that they enjoy, rather than having to be super grateful for a reduced-for-clearance item. (I must say that the dcs are never greedy and appreciative of what they have.)

Except ds, age 15, has now broken out and had his first barber's haircut, finally complaining that Maison Lainie will no longer do. But, cor, did home haircutting save a mint of money over the years.

I found the main area of ruinous expense for us was anything that involved going out. When you have two teenagers in tow you are constantly paying for two extra adults every time you have a coffee ( except they will want large expensive hot chocolates and a muffin too).
I was quite proud that my two had discerning appetites but a meal out was eye wateringly expensive. I never mind paying £100 or so for two for a special meal but £100 for 4 for a pub lunch is not a pleasant experience. Even if you go down the route of picnics etc. it still adds up.

We have recently become empty nesters and all of a sudden despite sending money to my youngest at uni we feel quite flush.

M oldest is 11.

She dances. She is on a special "all inclusive" program which cost £288 four times a year. That covers her classes. Then she has prvates (up to three a week) at £12 for half an hour. Festival groups (up to 8 or 10 a season) range from £20-£45 each.

Then there is the kit. Ballet shoes (two pairs on the go at any time) £12 a pair. Pointe shoes (every six-eight weeks) £50 a pair. Leotards she usually has for Christmas/birthdays. Tights £12 a pair. She goes through a pair a week. Tap shoes £40, jazz shoes £45, foot thongs/undeez £12, hair bands/pins/bun nets (seems to be weekly!!) £5. Costumes. Her last tutu (done on a budget as I refuse to pay out lots whilst she is growing) cost £120. She has 9 solos. Costumes range from £30-£200 depending on the dance. Entries range from £3.50-£6 per solo, approx so festivals a year.

Plus she has singing lessons £12 a week, plus summer schools. This year she is going to at least three ranging from £180-£400.

I have four children. They all dance. They all perform. When you write it all down its scary! And this is without the travel costs.

As nearthewindmill says, it's often a reaction to the parents' own circumstances growing up

Yes, I agree. I know I do it.

My parents said no to everything and I remember how it felt to be marked out as different from my peers, because my Mum didn't want to waste money buying me jeans, when she could make me a perfectly good skirt. We weren't badly off but they were so focused on saving for the future that the here and now wasn't much fun

I'm not stupidly generous, Jack Wills hoodies are reserved for Christmas presents, a mobile phone was a Christmas gift (and now she has more independence and is out and about a lot more without us, I feel that it's a necessity), family clubbed together for a laptop.

She knows the value of money, does chores for her pocket money, accepts that when I say no, I mean no and knows we don't have a money tree in the back garden

I hope we have a balance between saying no to everything and not being over indulgent

I have 3 ds's between the ages of 12-16. They are all hugely tall and I have to buy men's clothing and shoes & trainers, football boots of which they seem to need a new pair every couple of months as they are growing so fast. Food is also costly, I am constantly re-stocking the cupboards. However we do now spend a lot less on clubs as they have all given up scouts and that kind of thing. I'm glad they're not girls though as my friends with teenage girls seem to pay out a fortune in clothing, haircuts and colours, nails etc. I'm dreading the University years, they are all two school years apart.