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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against what dh has said?

185 replies

Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 11:46

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

OP posts:
jacks365 · 28/01/2014 18:24

But I'm sorry but if my partnertoldme instead of discussedwith me what to do with my daughter, I'd be mightily pissed off and feel undermined myself.

She is also his daughter and he has as much right to state what happens as the mother.

Hedgehog you had already undermined your dh by talking him round last night to let her stay up to do the homework but you know she needs her sleep. The two of you need to sit down and agree a way forward together then sit down with dd and agree a plan to help and support her with her homework, what you'll allow and not with regards to time and the consequences of not sticking to it ie if nit done over weekend she will be in trouble at school.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 20:29

Dd was fine, calm, had accepted that she wouldn't get phone case etc till the weekend like dh had said. Dh came home from work and even though I'd told him how awful dd had been today he turned to her,said it was obvious how sorry she was and that she can have her things TOMORROW !

Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh

I am completely furious with him. I'm going to show him this thread and explain what he'll I went through today trying to show a united front and back up his parenting decision and now I'm the one who has been undermined.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 20:29

Hell not he'll

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 28/01/2014 20:36

See, id confiscate the actual phone

AnyFucker · 28/01/2014 20:36

oh dear

LEMmingaround · 28/01/2014 20:40

And put your dh on sex rations! But joking aside who does he think he is? God? He went on about how he would be angry if you went against him but when HE decided to change the punishment he did so with no consultation. Very controlling behaviour

bellablot · 28/01/2014 20:41

Your DH is the right one here

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 20:43

Iam so angry. I actually found today really difficult but felt I had to show dd that dh and I work together and that she can't play us off against each other.

Can't believe what he's done.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/01/2014 20:44

Go and talk to him about it then

AnyFucker · 28/01/2014 20:45

{has a feeling that doesn't happen very much, or very effectively)

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 20:47

Can't. He's asleep.

Puts dd2 to bed each night, and falls asleep as well. We don't get much chance to talk.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/01/2014 20:56

Really ? Is that to do with his condition ? What is it, btw ?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 20:59

Dh has EDS, suffers from daily dislocations (knees) and is tired after work.

OP posts:
GimmeDaBoobehz · 28/01/2014 21:03

But jacks it's to be discussed not either parent telling the other.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2014 21:07

Thanks for spelling it out, and sorry if you already did upthread.

I cannot see how this situation will change if he heads off to bed before you can talk to him. Does that happen a lot they way today played out?. Before he leaves for work he tells you what to do, and when he comes home there is no further discussion ?

No wonder your dd runs rings round the pair of you

frugalfuzzpig · 28/01/2014 21:12

Just wanted to add something about the possibility of counselling. Obviously it would seem like adding yet another appointment to get to, BUT therapists could agree to doing their sessions by phone or skype.

I have CFS/ME and POTS so I struggle to travel, and I've been having regular sessions over the phone when I'm not able to get to the hospital.

She may also find it easier because she can literally be in bed or whatever. I am usually in my jammies when I have mine.

Or if it's during school time you could see if you can negotiate a spare office or classroom to take the call.

Sorry if you know that already but just thought I'd mention the phone possibility in case it makes counselling more feasible :)

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2014 21:13

Am I the only one who thinks the OH is too harsh on her? And, for that matter, so are many of the posts here. This is an 11 year old child!

OK, stick together with punishments, though he isn't really doing that, is he? She is so young and has such health problems that I feel sorry for her. Of course you shouldn't spoil her, but perhaps understand a little? Why not sit with her at the weekend and check her homework's done and that it's OK? She can't do PE, she's knackered after a day at school, she has to cram homework into the weekend and then she's totally responsible for it. Give her some leeway here!

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 21:15

Phone counselling may be an option (dd also has pots as well as eds and other conditions) I will look into it.

This sort of thing doesn't happen very often, dh was just so adamant this morning that we must not give in so I was in shock when he did.

OP posts:
frugalfuzzpig · 28/01/2014 22:08

He gave in so he could be the good guy again, hedgehog :( Angry

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2014 06:33

Sounds like you dh is the boss of you all at home and you have to do what he says little woman

TamerB · 29/01/2014 07:00

Have a untitled front. Don't give them to her but discuss it with him, out of her hearing, for future decisions.

MollyDoublyBarrely · 29/01/2014 07:11

Oh Hedgehog, i really think you need to have a word with your DH and make sure he knows how this has made you feel. I wouldn't be too happy if I had been the "bad guy" in this situ, only for DH to swan in and look like the big hero at the end of the day!

He needs to know that you need to unite as a couple and follow through with punishment because if you don't, DD will probably just assume that Dad will revoke punishment early every time.

FudgefaceMcZ · 29/01/2014 07:21

YABU to consider going against an agreed and reasonable punishment for lying! I would actually say my dd had to earn the things back through chores if she'd tried this (she does occasionally 'forget' homework, which is annoying as hard to tell if lying or genuine), not when she's ill of course but when recovered. If she's that ill she will be more concerned about getting better than about a phone case so her asking for it is not a sign that you should give in!

horsetowater · 29/01/2014 09:15

I don't think she needs counselling, I think she needs rest and tlc. I'm concerned that counselling will make her feel as though she has to deal with this problem alone when really it's really about the family making adjustments.

I'm sure you give her all you can Hedgehog but she is suffering physically. At school she probably feels left out and who knows what else goes on there. Hiding her planner and 'forgetting' her homework is a symptom that it's all getting too much and she can't cope. It might be seen that she is devious or sneaky but there is a reason she's doing this.

Deal with the cause if you can - it's probably a practical thing, to do with physical tiredness.

BigBoobiedBertha · 29/01/2014 09:46

Just seen the update on this and your DH's U-turn. I would be furious. He has done exactly the same thing to you that everybody has been telling you not to do. It was a silly punishment that didn't match the crime, you have been stuck home all day with DD whinging and then he swans in and pulls the rug from under your feet and looks like father bountiful. I think most have people have been saying you need to have a word but I think that word has changed - you have every right to be the cross one.