To go against what dh has said?

[Edenviolet]

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

[Dumpylump]

Well I honestly think that if you give her the parcel now then the lesson learnt is if I scream and carry on, I get what I want , don't know about you, but that's definitely not a lesson I'd want either of my dcs to be learning!
I think when she's feeling a bit better, you and dh need to sit down with her and have a proper chat about lying and "forgetting" homework. You need to help her with strategies to prevent problems, and then stick to your guns. If she hasn't done it, then she has to face consequences with school. They appear to be well aware of your daughters health issues, and presumable are already factoring that in when addressing any issues?
I'd also be telling your dm to stop interfering in how you and your dh parent your dd. if my mum had intervened in things at primary school without my knowledge, I'd be absolutely livid!

[poopadoop]

OP - hugs to you, doesn't sound like fun. I hope your dd gets some rest and calms down and you can have a relaxed and constructive conversation when you're all up to it

[Edenviolet]

Dd is tired and hasn't got her way.

I'm sure she will calm down. Perhaps its a lesson she needs to learn. The outburst about hating dh for making her unwell is very sad and I will speak to her about that as she's obviously not feeling well or happy.

[Dumpylump]

X post, sorry.
Seems to me that it might be a good idea to consider some counselling for her too. She's clearly not dealing very well with her illness, and it must be incredibly hurtful for your dh to hear her blaming him for everything.
He met you, got married, had a child, holds down a job......so his life isn't completely awful, can she not see that? Would she prefer to not exist?

[Madamecastafiore]

If she asked again I would tell her she will be waiting for another week.

You need to crack down on the organisation issue now as it only gets worse as they go through secondary school.

What was your punishment for her lying to you?

We come down our our oldest 2 like a tonne of bricks for lying. I always say I'd rather the dirty truth than a filthy lie.

[Edenviolet]

She gets very, very frustrated I think.

During the summer holidays last year there was one day where she sat in the kitchen crying, when I asked her why she said she wanted to go on the swing but couldn't as she was so tired.

On other occasions she had got quite annoyed that she cannot keep up with her friends, used to love pe but now can't keep up and is embarrassed so no longer takes part. I can ask her consultant about the possibility of counselling.

[wyldchyld]

When she started demanding the case, she'd have been told that because she had kept pushing, she would now have to wait another week for the case.

When she had the tantrum, it would have gone straight back in the post.

OP, I have ongoing health issues which restrict my work and also have had one hell of a rollercoaster finding pain relief which didn't send me batty etc. The overriding message is the real world won't make allowances and you need to learn to be a functioning human being as far as possible even when you feel cruddy. At 12, that's hard, but she needs to start the foundations of this now

[SolomanDaisy]

Isn't she on a huge bursary at school? In which case however accommodating they are, they will expect certain standards of her. She needs to understand the potential consequences of how she's behaving.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I think you need to back your dh up on this, otherwise she will see that she can play the two of you off against eachother.

Maybe you could set out a way for her to 'earn' the various things you have bought her? Ie. doing her homework promptly - showing you her homework diary so you can see when the work was set, doing it the night it is set, to a decent standard, and remembering to hand it in - do that for a week to earn each item.

[Edenviolet]

Yes, she has a large bursary, she is keeping up with the work and does do her homework but she's not organised at all.

[frugalfuzzpig]

It's good that you are sticking to your/DH's guns. Illness or not, lying is not ok.

It must be incredibly hard for her having such exhaustion and pain at this time in her life when teenagers are especially anxious and desperate to fit in.

I'm surprised a counselling referral wasn't already offered by the specialists TBH. Definitely worth looking into.

[Preferthedogtothekids]

Can she earn the phone case with a week of having her planner home every night and signed by her teacher daily?

[Draughts]

Hedgehog, my middle son has a genetic condition that leaves him in poor health and plenty of other issues. I understand how hard it is to seemingly make life harder, or more upsetting for them but boundaries, rules etc still need to be set. I actually would be raising an eyebrow if DS2 was off school poorly (he's 10) but had managed a tantrum of that magnitude.

I think I've seen on another thread that your DD is down for counselling? Hopefully that will help her, but for now you and DH really need to be coming at this from the same side.

Good luck, I'm sure when she calms down and you and DH are able to talk to her again she will probably (grudgingly) agree with your decision. Yf

[Draughts]

Sorry, just seen she isn't having counselling.

[horsetowater]

What did she mean when she said DH gave her the illness - that sounds like the first issue that needs to be straightened out. Can it really be his fault? Was it her choice to go to the school?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Preferthedogtothekids "Can she earn the phone case with a week of having her planner home every night and signed by her teacher daily?"
Good idea. The phone case is a treat - maybe you need to get DD into the way of treats being a reward to be earned rather than a sop for her poor health? Sorry to sound so harsh OP, because it does sound as if your mum has made a rod for your back; but, health issues aside your DD is 12 and pushing the boundaries is what twelve-year-olds do. Parents need to stand firm on those boundaries and occasionally push right back.

[ukatlast]

Given that she is 12, is it possible that she has a system and does her homework just before it is due so at the weekend, none was due on Monday so it wasn't a lie as such but on Monday she did it in time for Tuesday.

Since she probably only had 30-60 mins worth what is the big deal of playing with a friend first? Who wouldn't rather have downtime straight after school before doing homework?

I wouldn't undermine his decision but he does sound strict and I would far rather my kids told me the truth without fear of punishment.

[Edenviolet]

It is a genetic condition, that's why dd blames dh

[drudgetrudy]

What merrymarigold said. you have no option but to hold this boundary firmly now but you need to have a chat with DH about what sanctions and consequencies you are both happy with and to ask him not to impose punishments for you to carry through. Also is he free with encouragment and praise when appropriate?. Don't let her start to see you as the weak link at this stage though or you are in for a difficult few years!

[Edenviolet]

Dd has made a card to say sorry and has said she doesn't mind waiting till the weekend now. She is a lot calmer but her cold is horrendous and temperature really high.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

You do seem to be making a lot of excuses for her. How big of her to say she doesn't mind waiting until the weekend. She needs to understand she has no say in when she gets it. Blaming DH for how she is is very upsetting for him .

[Nanny0gg]

What she seems to have is a harsh Dad and an easy Mum. She also has a 'sympathetic' Grandma who thinks she knows better than both of you. She has serious health problems and goes to a demanding private school (am I right about the school?). So if you were in her position, what would you want? Probably some kind of middle ground, but above all you would want to be listened to and heard. To her, everyone around her seem think they know better than each other. If they can't listen to each other, how can they listen to her?

This ^^

I also have a problem with 'disorganised' children being left to sort themselves out.
One of my DC was shockingly disorganised, but to most had no excuse for it. They were bright, lively, had no obvious reason. However, I think organisation is a learned skill and some need more help and teaching than most. Especially when often in pain. If you hurt, your diary is the last thing on your mind.

No excuse for the lying, but I think she needs constant help and reminders to keep her on track, bot being left to get on with it.

And I don't blame her for not wanting to miss the one occasional friend visit that she has.

[ivykaty44]

There are two parts to this

The presents

The homework

You have purchased some presents for your dad and you dh has undermined you by using those presents as a punishment, this is really not on, if he wants to punish your dd by with holding some things you have purchased for her then he needs to talk to you first- he is undermining you by telling/instructing you and your choice. Sort out punishments between you or do your own punishments that will not effect the other parent

The homework, she can either learn at school about the consequences of not doing homework or she can learn both at home and school through punishment, again you both need to communicate and decide what to do and then stick to the rules you vhoose

[GimmeDaBoobehz]

She has lied that is very true.

But I'm sorry but if my partner told me instead of discussed with me what to do with my daughter, I'd be mightily pissed off and feel undermined myself.

Personally I'd probably give her one of the things but not all of them and say she'll get the rest when she's better. Perhaps something that could keep her entertained whilst she's not feeling too well?

[GimmeDaBoobehz]

Having read the rest of the thread I didn't realise there was more pages I do think that she shouldn't get the presents until she learns not to demand things.

I still stand by though agreeing with eachother and not telling someone what to do, that isn't on.

As a PP has said you're too soft, he's too strict you both need to find a middle ground.

Is there a possibility that someone else could write what homework she needs to do in her diary so you'll know about it, or at least prompt her when she is in class?

So sorry to hear that your daughter is poorly though.