To go against what dh has said?

[Edenviolet]

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

[whereisshe]

He's already told her she can't have the things you've bought. If you give it to her you're directly undermining him, which isn't ideal if you ever want her to do as she's told... Give her something else to cheer her up (favourite food?) and discuss with your DH about not imposing sanctions unilaterally as one of the PPs pointed out.

[OpalQuartz]

Is she definitely ill and was the homework definitely finished? I used to fake illness to get out of going to school when I hadn't finished my homework, but I probably shouldn't judge your dd by my own rather low teenage standards.

[Edenviolet]

Dd 'forgets' to write her homework in it so often no point checking and last week had 'lost' the diary. She's very, very disorganised, to the point it worries me.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

Yep, I'm with your DH. She needs to learn that lying isn't acceptable. If that means she has to wait a few days for a treat, so be it. It won't kill her.

[Edenviolet]

Yes, def ill. Temperature (she already had a bit of a cold at weekend) and was up all night.

[Deadhamsterssmell]

I agree with your husband, your daughter needs to learn that lying is wrong. If my DC's had pulled that prank they would have been in trouble, illness or no illness, and they are younger than you daughter.

I certainly wouldn't undermine my DH's decision.

[AnyFucker]

Queen, I agree OP should not give her the bits. What I am saying is that I don't agree with the H's punishment, not that I would undermine him.

More discussion required between the parents needed here, for the inevitable "it gets worse before it gets better" teenage years

[joanofarchitrave]

It would be completely wrong to undermine your dh.

TBH if it were me I would say if she keeps asking I would take something else away, she's had an explanation and that's it. Talk to her about something else cheerful. what are you up to next weekend? Offer her a nice hot drink to keep her fluids up.

[WilsonFrickett]

I agree with a pp - even if I disagreed with your DH (which I actually don't) I wouldn't undermine him. He has not been cruel or said she can't have the bits, he's making her wait for them and showing lying has a consequence.

[ColdTeaAgain]

I think I would wait and see how she gets on with her next lot of homework and if she gets it done on time and not left to the last minute then I would give her the phone case. She needs to do something positive before getting a reward.

If you gave her the things now its just saying that she gets what she wants regardless.

[curlew]

"I think the combination of going to a friends house then staying up late was too much for her hence why she's not feeling well today. That is why dh tries to get her to do all her homework at weekends so she can go to bed early weekdays."

Does she have health problems? Because if not, I would be a bit surprised if going to a friends then 9.30 bed would be "too much" for a 12 year old.

Oh, and I would be very cross about the "keeping on asking" when her father had definitely said "no".

And oh, again- maybe it's time he stopped trying to micromanage her homework?

[LouiseSmith]

She did wrong. If you give in and give her the bits, she will see it as a green light to do it again. She will also come to the conclusion that you are the "get around" parent.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

Lying is not a trivial thing at all. I agree with your husband.

If I have understood correctly, he isn't even saying that she won't have the items at all, simply that the punishment for lying is that she will have to wait for them for the rest of the week and show him that she is not going to lie about her homework now!

Sounds fair enough to me.

[MoreBeta]

I'm with DH too.

However, this is a good time to sit down with her and quietly explain why you and DH are giving her the sanction.

Then tell her you will speak to DH and you will agree a way forward together on homework and making sure it gets done. At age 12 its all about pushing the boundary but the fact is teenagers like boundaries and feel lost without them.

The way forward, I find with our 13 yr old son is a united front a clear boundary and then the upside for him is that once homework is done and verified he is free to do what he wants and we have given him and his younger brother the family allowance money to spend on 'bits' as well as pocket money for trips and going out but with the consequence he spends it he gets no more. That way he feels responsible, he has some autonomy over small luxuries he wants and he knows what the expectations are in return.

He still leaves his underpants everywhere, leaves lights on and generally forgets or ignores everything else I say otherwise.

[rollonthesummer]

Your DH is being totally sensible. Do you have form for going behind his back with the children? The way he reiterated the point to you this morning so you wouldn't give in and the way your dd is persistently asking you for the bits despite being told she can't have them yet, suggest you do. Grow a backbone!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YABU.

"I'm just torn because dd is lying in bed looking so unwell and keeps asking."
Sorry OP, but the 'keeps asking' when her dad has told her no - she is trying to divide and conquer! Are you a soft touch? Is this a regular tactic of hers? I agree with your DH and most of the posters here - lying leads to sanctions, not treats. Woman up!

[MerryMarigold]

You need to come down hard on lying. I would tell her she is not getting them till next weekend because of the lying.

[curlew]

I agree on the united front thing. She shouldn't get the stuff til whenever it was her father said she could have it.


But I'd want to know more about the lying. Why did she lie about her homework? Is she being over managed? When was she planning on doing it? Does she get a choice about when she does it?

[Edenviolet]

Yes dd does have health problems, which is why we try to encourage her to do all her homework at weekends so that during the week she can rest as much as possible so that she goes in to school everyday.

Usually dh and I say the same thing but this time dh had put his foot down and I think that's why dd keeps asking me. She's asked again and when I said no she got decidedly grumpy.

[Edenviolet]

The homework has been a huge issue. After school each day she usually sleeps or lies down for up to an hour as soon as she gets in. We tried at first to get her to do some in the evenings but she was too tired and dinner time/bath etc took up more time then she just wanted to go to bed.

Can't do it in mornings as it takes up to an hour to get her up.

Sometimes she does homework during pe lessons (she often can't take part) or at lunchtime at school and the rest we try to get her to do at weekends. That would be fine if she was actually writing it all down or not losing her diary every couple of days.

[xxMrsCxx]

I'm with your husband on this one ..... And I think you should respect his decision. I think it's wrong that kids don't accept something without trying to get the other parent to give in to them ..... Be strong, don't give her the bits and hopefully your husband will decide she can have them later once he is home

[DustyBaubles]

With all of the other issues you and your husband have going on at the moment, allowing your daughter to play you off against each other would just increase the household tension unnecessarily.

Your husband is absolutely right in this case, and allowing your daughter to manipulate you into going against a perfectly reasonable decision will not be doing her, or the rest of you any favours.

[MiniSoksMakeHardWork]

Definitely don't go against your dh. It doesn't help that your dd already has health concerns from how I've read some of your posts. But I used to play in certain conditions to get out of going to school for various reasons, inc not having done homework. It's not that hard to fake a raised temperature for the time it takes to check temperature. Then when medicine is administered it's seen as working rather than the effects of faking wearing off.

She's not being told she can't have it at all, just that she has to wait a bit longer.

Maybe sitting down with dd and dh, explaining why she was given the punishment and working out a new way to ensure her homework is done and on time is a good idea. Saving it all up to the weekend regardless of her needing a rest when she gets home is not a great idea as it means she is effectively doing school all week.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Another one that is with your DH. If you undermine him on this, he would have every right to be pissed off. I would be.