To go against what dh has said?

[Edenviolet]

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

'I'm going to have a chat with her and ask her to not lie again.'

OP, I get that your dd is unwell and has health issues, and it sounds as if your mum hasn't helped her by helping her so much in the past! But honestly, I think asking her not to lie again isn't strong enough - I think telling her it is completely unacceptable to lie is what you should do.

Also, if you and your dh want to present a united front, maybe before reprimanding your dd, you need to check in with each other about the punishment.

Finally, if she hasn't learned to take responsibility in the past due to your dm doing so much for her, can you help her learn, maybe in tandem with the school? It sounds like that is such a pressing issue - being organised and responsible, and really like something she has to actively learn. I wouldn't be too punitive on that front, most kids learn responsibility in primary school, and she clearly hasn't. Good luck with it all.

OP, it may be that your DD's meds are affecting her memory.

But this is an explanation, not an excuse.

Tell her you know she finds remembering/organisation difficult so she's going to have to put in place extra safeguards, not simply throw the towel in.

She's 12, her brain is all over the place. She is tired and so she will be even more forgetful than usual. Accept that she will forget things, but try and help her to remember her planner and homework book.

I think you do need to hang back with supervising the homework, at least try to get less wound up about it - that should be for the school to do. Make sure she can be organised and have everything together.

She is pushing boundaries and I wouldn't be surprised that the lure of DM is beckoning. As I said, DH needs to get her 'on side' and not make her feel intimidated. His idea of not being involved at all is probably quite a good one but she needs to know you really care. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Don't worry too much about it. She's ill and tired, take care of her and get some rest yourself while you can. :)

Obviously your DH is right and you would be unfair to go against him.

How do you think giving her a phone case will cheer her up? A new book, dvd, yes I can see but not a case. Don't give her any of the stuff. She needs to learn.

She shouldn't have lied. And must find out there are consequences for lying. I'd hold back the few bits for a week or two.

If this was my child I would immediately lengthen the time before she got her stuff for making threats.

My children wouldn't do as they were asked yesterday so they lost computer time for a day. They repeated the behaviour again and after more chances than they were told they would get they did it again so I was 2 days with it. Carried on and so we are on four days now. Not their fault I have been too soft before but hopefully the message will get through now when they have 4 nights without their beloved computer.

You, your DH and DM really need to be singing from the same hymn sheet where your DD is concerned. At the very least, even if your mother doesn't agree with you and your DH, she has to defer to your decisions. Going behind your back to deal with the school and, effectively, 'cover up' for your DD is dreadful!

Now, you haven't blamed your DH for the fact DD isn't getting her new things have you? 'Your father says...' etc? Because that would be a very bad idea.

I can only suggest you and your DH sit down and thrash out an agreement about how you're going to deal with your DD, and both stick to it. Own it, never let DD think one of you is pushing that approach and the other is reluctant.

DH and I have both got angry with each other about over-reactions and unfitting punishments but in another room, away from the child in question. And if there needs to be backing down we do it together.

Sorry, that sounds very smug. Trust me we are far from perfect on the discipline front, but backing each other up is one thing we do manage to do.

Well, the parcel has been delivered and we are in the middle of a full on screaming tantrum. It won't help her sore throat and I'm off to put the parcel away and deal with things.

Never seen dd so angry

Well don't give in, she needs to learn that having a tantrum won't help (the same as a toddler learns!). Undermining your DH would be a crap thing to do, and really unfair on him.

Good luck, stay strong!

She needs to control that. Tell her if she doesn't stop in 2 minutes, it will be removed for an extra day. She is acting like a 2 year old, and she sounds very spoilt. In fact, with your sad face after dd being angry ,I think you are probably be to blame. If my 12 yo had a screaming tantrum, I would have put a .

She's ill. Let her have a tantrum and calm down. Then see if she wants to talk.

If my 12 year old had a screaming tantrum about a phone case, I would be sending the parcel back to Amazon.

A tantrum like that at 12, is symptomatic of fear and anger caused by a lot more than the loss of a phone case.

OP, could your DD be storing up a lot of fear and anger about her illness?

Not sure, the school have mentioned how they have to tell dd to rest when she's obviously unwell as she tries to hide it from her friends and carry on.
I think that's why she is so tired after school.

She mentioned once that she hates her stupid body and I found a story she had written about a girl who was unhappy about being unwell.

If she is finding it hard she needs to talk to somebody, she bottles things up usually, never seen her properly angry like this before.

Someone in my family with a life-limiting illness got counselling specifically for people with that condition, and found it helped a lot. Would that be an option?

What she seems to have is a harsh Dad and an easy Mum. She also has a 'sympathetic' Grandma who thinks she knows better than both of you.

She has serious health problems and goes to a demanding private school (am I right about the school?).

So if you were in her position, what would you want? Probably some kind of middle ground, but above all you would want to be listened to and heard.

To her, everyone around her seem think they know better than each other. If they can't listen to each other, how can they listen to her?

I would have first of all told DH that I will deal with it as I'm at home with her, and I'll decide any punishment on this one as it's me that has to deal with the consequences. Secondly I'd have a frank but gentle chat about homework, study skills, organisation, priorities and how she is getting on generally at school and why she felt the need to lie. After coming to some agreement about how it's going to be going forward and helping her plan and organise her timetable, and how it's much better to stick your hand up and ask for help than lie and pretend you are ok (I have just learned this in my 30s) I would give her the stuff.

Generally I think you need to show a way forward and create a "win" for them for doing the right thing, and make sure you don't erode their self-esteem. Punishment for something that adults frequently get wrong seems OTT to me. I was 12 when I started secondary school and had hardly ever even had homework at primary school, so I struggled with the whole concept of it.

But now the thread has moved on to her having a tantrum, I'd just wait for her to calm down and not give her the stuff - yet. Until such time you can have a calm discussion.

Teenagers need to be able to open up to you more than at anytime in their lives and need a lot of help and support. Being too authoritarian/draconian, as I think a lot of people are on this thread, creates a wall between you, IMO and they won't tell you anything. Also if they get punished for minor things, they may as well be more badly behaved, as the result will only be the same.

Another one who is with your DH on this one. If you give her them you really aren't doing her any favours.

The fact that she doesn't believe that no means no and she will get her own way if she mithers you shows she does not respect your authority at all. This isn't great either.

Your DM hasn't done her any favours at all. She prevented her from learning responsibility for herself, instead teaching her that someone else will pick up behind her.

If she was mine I'd be telling her that no means no and if she mithers again I'll be adding a day on to how long she has to wait, and another every time.

I know I probably sound harsh, but lying is the one thing guaranteed to earn a serious punishment in this house, no discussion, no excuses. And every child needs to know that no means just that.

Whoa - drip feeding.

If I was as ill as her I think I'd want to spend every moment having fun and not bothering with homework at all. She probably pretty depressed. Your DH is far too harsh, IMO.

horsetowater, I think you've summed it up really well. The 2 extremes of parenting are not helping your dd. Sounds like you are both compensating for each other, instead of being a team which can actually help your dd. You need to talk to dh and sort out your parenting, both of you, to somewhere in the middle. You also need to talk to dd about her illness, her school, her life etc. and see how she feels about them all, and really listen.

Don't put up with tantrums. Because that will just teach her that having a tantrum will get her a reward. Say unless the screaming stops the stuff will be going to a charity shop. I know that takes a lot of doing to carry it out. But you should. But saying that you should look into underlying difficulties and stress.

He's right.
My dd is also 12 and puts off homework before making our lives a misery trying to cram it in at 9 o clock along with tears and expecting help from us.
Make the point to avoid it happening again.

"If my 12 year old had a screaming tantrum about a phone case, I would be sending the parcel back to Amazon"

I agree, curlew. I'd also be telling her that she can't be that ill if she can scream and tantrum like a small child and that she'll be back to school tomorrow morning.

Hedgehog, you can either give your daughter the parcel and pave the way for more screaming next time she doesn't get her own way or you can show her that screaming doesn't get results. I think your husband's spot on and you're making a mistake.

The school give a lot of homework but they are also very accommodating of dds needs so she is able to rest/sleep then go back to class rather than being sent home.

I've explained that dh told her yesterday she couldn't have it and that I agree with him because of the lying, some quite awful things have been said by dd about dh because she is so angry that she can't have what she wants, also she has been screaming about it all being dh fault anyway because he has given her everything that is wrong with her (not strictly true but that's how she sees it).

All in all not a good afternoon.