Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against what dh has said?

185 replies

Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 11:46

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/01/2014 13:17

I've told dd that she will absolutely not get the case today and to stop asking. Now she is threatening to packa bag and have a sleepover with my DM or dsis as she said she hates dh

She sounds like a very spoilt, entitled child, illness or not!

DustyBaubles · 28/01/2014 13:17

Your post at 13.08 really suggests that you need to be tougher with your daughter.

We get that she's ill, but so are lots of children.

Pandering to her now, and as your mother has in the past, has created the problem you have now.

Your daughter has no fear of the consequences of her actions. If you allow that sort of thing to continue, she will find herself without real friends, as this sort of learned helplessness becomes very wearing, very quickly.

The only people who will want to spend time with her will be people who can see some sort of advantage for themselves in hanging out with the kid who gets special treatment.

PeterParkerSays · 28/01/2014 13:18

I would agree with your DH, and give him the bits to store in his car boot until the weekend, so you're not tempted to give them to her before then.

wordfactory · 28/01/2014 13:20

OP, ignore the grumps Grin.

You are doing her a favour here (and yourself into the bargain).

At 12 she is just finding her way around her own priorities, and is bound to fuck up sometime. How we react to those fuck ups is the killer.

What you want is a DD who by 14/15 completely understands that her work is her responsibility and that its of high priority. So many DC underachieve at school because they've never learned this and their parents need to take a good part of responsibility for it IMVHO.

TheGreatHunt · 28/01/2014 13:21

The thing is, those suggesting that DH's orders must be followed, what happens if a DH comes and suggest something ridiculous but gets in there first?

The phone case etc were not conditional so why would you suddenly take the promise away?

She lied, so I would do something about that eg no visits to friends' houses for one week.

Otherwise you start to undermine your child's trust as they never know if something will be taken away. I'd say the DH has undermined the OP in this respect.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 13:23

Yes, dd can be very vocal (sometimes obnoxious) if she hasn't got her way.

I do get that a lot of the time she is exhausted and in pain, I know that she struggles every day with the health issues she has and that it impacts on her moods.
I feel bad on the days when she wants to stay in bed and I give her painkillers and take her to school. DM keeps saying allowances need to be made for dd due to her problems.

But, I know that what dd has is not a reason to be rude or to be lazy. I keep trying to get across to her that if she works hard now she could have a job one day where she doesn't have to work ridiculous hours or doing something that makes her conditions worse like dh has to.

Today is just one of those days where she's trying her luck.

OP posts:
curlew · 28/01/2014 13:23

"Dh is very keen to stop helping her at all, he said we should not ask her anymore, not check her diary etc and let her get in trouble at school."

So why did he ask at the weekend, then? He can't have it both ways. It sounds as if you should have just said last night "well, tough, you haven't got time to do it now- it's bed time"

CinnabarRed · 28/01/2014 13:23

I'd say thet DH has been banging this particular drum for a while and no-one's been listening.

If she's well enough to pack a bag and go to your DMs, then she's well enough for school.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 13:25

It is frustrating too as she has a good opportunity to do well at avery good school that she worked hard to get into. I don't want her to waste her chance because of forgetting things/not feeling well.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 28/01/2014 13:25

Sorry - that was in response to why the DH was still asking the DD about her homework at the weekend - because it doesn't seem as though the DD or OP have agreed that the homework is ultimately the DD's responsibility yet.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 13:27

He did tell her last night to go to bed, I negotiated for her to get it done and he said ok but its the last time.

I think up until now he's been trying to do things the way I have been but he would rather leave dd to it. He said he had the same health issues and he had to just get on with things so why shouldn't dd.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 28/01/2014 13:27

I agree with curlew.

If the plan is to back off in toto then that's that. DD rises or falls on her own actions.

Personally, I think 12 is too young for that. The lessons have not yet been digested Wink.

zzzzz · 28/01/2014 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littledrummergirl · 28/01/2014 13:27

I can imagine the blazing row discussion between Dh and I if he undermind me by handing over a treat after I had said no.
You have said that normally your dd would cope with school with a cold however not today because of the late night. This was of her own making because she failed to behave reasonably by doing her homework at a sensible time.
Im afraid mine would have been in bed at normal time with an early wake up to get it done. Any not finished would need a letter from me explaining to the teacher why it wasn't done(dd forgot/decided she would rather play with a friend) and suggesting that consequences need to be applied.
But then my kids have only made me do this once...

BigBoobiedBertha · 28/01/2014 13:30

I agree with AnyFucker. The phone bits have nothing to do with the homework which got done on time.

The sanctions for lying should be more in line with making sure that she doesn't lie about homework in the future - grounding is good as she would have less reason to lie because she can't go out anyway.

I suppose the OP has to present a united front and back her DH but she needs to talk to him about the issue of getting homework done in time because he is being much too heavy handed. She is 12, not at junior school. She should have some autonomy about when she does her homework and learn that it is her responsibility to get it done, not have her parents tell her when to do it. That will only encourage her to lie.

OP, I'd want to give them to her too. Can you get something else as a treat to cheer her up? A magazine or something?

curlew · 28/01/2014 13:32

Absolutely. Sit down on Friday night. Make a list of what needs to be done and when for. Decide what time is available.

Oh, and if mine were well enough to be that bolshy, they'd be at school.

MinesAPintOfTea · 28/01/2014 13:34

I think my response to the threat to pack a bag would be "so you're feeling better, lets get your uniform on and you can go to afternoon lessons" said with a helpful smile.

But I think your DH needs to remember that whilst he had/has the same issues it will have a different effect on different people. A adolescent girl will soon have periods to contend with as well if she hasn't already for starters.

ItalianWiking84 · 28/01/2014 13:34

When do you plan for your kid to actually start learning about consequences? She sounds really spoil and covered in cotton due to bad health, yet a lot of other kids have that and can still learn to take responsibility. I have a illness too, have had it all my life, made me very ill at times when being in school, but when I was 12 I took responsibility of my own homework ect. Will you also hold her hand and ask about homework when she goes to uni? (Not a joke, when to uni with a girl, whos parents called uni and complained about to high volume of homework)

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 13:36

Grounding wouldn't really work, she doesn't go out! Going to her friends yesterday is a rare occurrence, probably once a month she goes after school to a friends house so I couldn't use it as a proper consequence as it wouldn't impact her much.

Her health has been worse recently but we are seeing physio/consultant etc and she has been re referred for pain management but I'm trying to keep that as a separate issue. I don't want it to become her default excuse for everything. I take it into consideration but I don't want her to think she can use it against me.
Last weekend when she was ill and nearly fainted she shouted at me really nastily, I had to remind her after that she needs to remember her manners even when ill.

I'm going to have a chat with her and ask her to not lie again.

OP posts:
kungfupannda · 28/01/2014 13:38

"I've told dd that she will absolutely not get the case today and to stop asking. Now she is threatening to packa bag and have a sleepover with my DM or dsis as she said she hates dh."

Well that's presumably not going to happen unless you allow it to happen. I'd just ignore the tantrum. What's she actually going to do, other than whinge?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 13:39

She was just ranting from her bed! Now she said she's going to sleep.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 28/01/2014 13:39

OP, definitely have a chat about lying, also offer to help her with her (dis) organisation.

Many DC have no idea where to start.

If you set her up well now, she'll save herself a world of sorrow and grief because frankly the GCSE years are as much a test of organisation and prioritising as they are ability.

DanceParty · 28/01/2014 13:40

I think my response to the threat to pack a bag would be "so you're feeling better, lets get your uniform on and you can go to afternoon lessons" said with a helpful smile.

Absolutely spot on !!

horsetowater · 28/01/2014 13:40

Hi Hedgehog it's hard to make any judgement on this because it depends how DD's illness affects her and how much rest time she has.

She is clearly seeking some kind of refuge at DMs and this is probably what's getting to DH. You are both exhausted as we know from other threads but you have to remember that if you are too harsh on her you will drive her away. It is quite possible that home life has got to her so much that staying with DM feels as though it is a better option for her. You and I know that it isn't.

There is too much at stake here, you need to make her home life as comfortable as possible but that includes clear boundaries set by both adults. In this case I would let DH go along with his strictness but if there is any hint that it is harmful to her health (mental or physical) you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks. Ultimately he needs to see the advantage of keeping her happy.

She needs to know that you care, as well as respect you for the boundaries you set. It is a very difficult line to tread.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 28/01/2014 13:44

Its hard to get the balance right, I know dd has health problems but I also know she is clever and capable when he wants to be.

The 'forgetting' thing though-I think it it genuine sometimes, dh is the same. Exactly the same. Goes to the shop for milk, comes back with something else and has forgotten the milk, I ask him to put something away and he 'forgets', likewise dd goes to brush her teeth then comes back as she's forgotten what she's doing, etc

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread