To go against what dh has said?

[Edenviolet]

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

[Edenviolet]

She's definitely genuinely unwell, temperature, very pale, runny nose, croaky voice etc but its just a cold and usually if she has had enough rest and has paracetamol/nurofen she can get into school on days like today.

The combination of going to a friends house, staying up late and having a cold is just a bit much for her.

I won't be giving her the phone case etc but she's still asking me despite me telling her no.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"That would be fine if she was actually writing it all down or not losing her diary every couple of days."
She's 12. She's capable of understanding that the homework will not go away if she just ignores it. Maybe a couple of weeks of you/DH going through her timetable with her EVERY DAY after school (after she's rested) taking each lesson in turn (what were you doing in English today? Did you have homework? What were you doing in Maths today? What homework were you given? etc. etc.) will convince her that writing it down when it is handed out and not losing her diary will be the easier option for her. Harsh I know, and a pain for you/DH to do, but best to nip the homework-is-optional mindset in the bud.

[DamnBamboo]

Agree with your DH.
It won't end well to outright go against him unless you think he's being totally UR, which is doesn't seem as if he is.

[Edenviolet]

If it isn't written down and we ask the response we get is "I've forgotten"

Then we have to get her to text or email friends to find out what the homework is and if we leave her to do it we have to keep going and checking as more often than not she stops and starts playing/drawing/brushing her hair etc.

Its such a shame as she's very clever but doesn't seem to want to work anymore.

[DamnBamboo]

I won't be giving her the phone case etc but she's still asking me despite me telling her no

Then make it clear that she needs to do her homework on time in future and not lie about it and that if she keeps whinging for it, she won't get it at all!

[Custardo]

I would separate the issues

and explain clearly the reason she isn't getting the bits is because she lied

[Edenviolet]

At one point there was an issue where she never had the textbooks to complete work, turned out she was embarrassed that her bag was too heavy and she couldn't manage to carry that much.

We arranged with school to have an extra set of books that we keep at home so that problem was solved, its only the hw diary she keeps losing. Apparently.

[Iwannalaylikethisforever]

Hedge. I'm with you, I'd want to give the "cheer up" gifts
BUT you can't really go against your dh and expect him to back you up in future.
Besides she has lied to you.

[Floggingmolly]

Please don't underestimate the importance of knocking lying on the head, op. We've had some issues here (child younger than your dd) and we've had to come down hard.
You really cannot let her see there are no consequences.
And fgs sake stop engaging when she repeatedly asks for the things she's been told she can't have yet. She's not two

[Edenviolet]

According to dd she "didn't lie" she said "I forgot about those bits of homework"

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I won't be giving her the phone case etc but she's still asking me despite me telling her no."
DS used to do this. The tactic that worked for me was to introduce a second sanction, e.g. "DS, no you may not have x and you have been told this three times now. The answer will not change with repeated asking. If you ask again, knowing that the answer is no, you will get a two-day XBox ban. Do not ask again." I think I only had to give a second sanction two or three times before he learned.

[MrRected]

I am with your DH .

[DamnBamboo]

You are facilitating her lack of responsibility here. She is 12 and school is going to get far tougher pretty quickly and the only person who will suffer if she keeps 'forgetting' her homework is her.

Why does she forget it? Is it difficult to remember? Is each piece of homework a descriptive paragraph saying what needs to be done.

or is it

Do maths problems p10-12
Read 5 pages of your Dickens book.
Do this science worksheet?

[CinnabarRed]

I would actually let her 'forget' her homework a few times so she experiences the natural consequence of not bothering to write it down properly in her diary.

[Objection]

You'll be doing yourself a massive diservice if you give in to her just because she is a bit poorly and is asking.
If I were your DH and you'd undermined my punishment, I'd be livid. And quite rightly so.
Don't let your DD play you; I'm sure there are other things she can be doing to keep her busy.

[annielouisa]

Op if you were honest with yourself you know that your DD did not forget about the homework so that is another lie she told. I do not think your DH is being unreasonable with his punishment so perhaps you are in wanting to give in.

You and DH need to work together as a team to let DD see there is no point in whining around the other parent when one has said no.

[DamnBamboo]

I would actually let her 'forget' her homework a few times so she experiences the natural consequence of not bothering to write it down properly in her diary

^

This.

A few lunchtime and after-school detentions will sort this out.

[Objection]

ALWAYS stick to your punishments!

[Edenviolet]

Dh is very keen to stop helping her at all, he said we should not ask her anymore, not check her diary etc and let her get in trouble at school. He is really quite harsh with her about it and he places the blame firmly at my DM door for causing this problem as DM worked at dds primary school and did everything for her.
If dd forgot work, DM took it home, if dd didnt do work DM would (unbeknown to me at the time) write a note, if dd got detention DM would get her out of it etc etc.

[wordfactory]

Don't go behind your DH's back OP.

His punishment is not draconian here and even if it was you would need to talk to him about changing it, not undermine him behind his back.

You need to get to a point where your DD always prioritises her school work. That this becomes second nature to her. If you crack now, you'll take two step backwards on that road. If you stick to your, well your DH's guns, you'll be strides ahead.

[DamnBamboo]

I agree with your DH.
Your DM was obviously trying to help but now you have a child who has been infantilised in this particular aspect of her life and who also doesn't seem to think she should be doing it either.

Leave her to it, and tell the school and your DD that you and your DH plan to do so. This way she knows the responsibility sits firmly with her.

[Inertia]

Another one agreeing with your husband. You need to present a united parenting front, and your DD needs to understand that there are consequences for her actions- she either lied deliberately, or she didn't check that she's done her homework. Neither scenario should be rewarded- nor should continuing to mither when she's been told no.

She isn't going to suffer if she doesn't get her stuff straightaway. Phone cases have no healing properties as far as viral infections are concerned.

I would use the things you've bought her as a reward- if she can demonstrate that she's correctly recorded and completed her homework for the next 3 weeks, she can have 1 item per week.

[CinnabarRed]

I think your DH is right about not having the phone case.

And I think your DH is right about leaving her to her own devices over her homework!

[Edenviolet]

Dd obviously has some sense of responsibility as she wanted to do the work last night (all three pieces) and she did it well, its just the fact that she didn't admit to having that homework at the weekend. Dh was really angry with her.

I've told dd that she will absolutely not get the case today and to stop asking. Now she is threatening to packa bag and have a sleepover with my DM or dsis as she said she hates dh. She's miserable because her cold is a nasty one and very grumpy she hasn't got her own way.