Re DH's friends wedding

[Juno77]

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all

I think traveling up together and having a hotel room to yourself to catch up on sleep sounds fantastic.

Go for option 3.

I can't believe that you have all your concerns about how much you're spending on a hotel, how you are going to pack and carry your luggage by yourself, how you are going to get there and how you are going to be feeling after you've had surgery 6 weeks before and your newborn baby doesn't even feature among them! Yes, you seem incredibly self-centred and unreasonable.

Juno just go! I don't think you Abu at all to expect your DH to spend e night with you but if he's hell bent he isn't then go and run up a massive room service bill and present him with it.

I'm assuming all the stuff about leaving your baby is a complete red herring as you have obviously Childcare you trust in place, so ignore that.

Oh god. This hasn't helped at all.

AIBU? AINBU?

No conclusion. I'm going to have to talk to DH.

I will ignore people like bumbly who don't grasp the concept that not everyone feels having a baby means they have to be chained to the child for all of time.

It's not 6 days old. It's 6 weeks old. I have wonderful, helpful, loving parents who will look after the children.

Stop bloody judging people who do things differently to you!

At the same time, you have the opportunity to have the night before the night before to yourselves, a night in the hotel by yourself and then the night after with your dh. That's not bad with a newborn!

Or you have night at home with dh. Night at home on your own and night in hotel with dh.

I hope you're not pissed off with the groom though. If you really have to be hacked off (and I think it's debatable) it should be with your dh since he is the one who is going to the stag do.

I'm off to chat to DH.

Thanks everyone - I feel like I am being a bit precious but actually that my feelings should be DH's main concern so I will see what he says.

If your issue is solely that you don't want to spend a night in a hotel alone, then I think you're being unreasonable to be angry with your husband. The issues you framed with him going earlier and you going later are only issues because you are reluctant to spend the money for the extra hotel night for just yourself. Not wanting to spend the money for a room just for yourself is reasonable, but being angry with your husband because you choose not to do it is not reasonable.

You DH hasn't said that he is going the night before the wedding and so you HAVE to go the day of by yourself, has he?

I don't get it.

Your DH was always spending the evening with the groom. You were always doing your own thing. The only time spent together would be overnight as presumably your DH would be with the groom on the morning of the wedding.

I don't think I've met an adult before who made a big deal of having to get ready themselves or travel 50 miles, which is what, an hour??

I used to be a wedding planner and it was certainly more common for each wedding party to spend the night and morning before the wedding than not. It's not really the best time to make a weekend of it when your DH is best man. Incidentally, most of my guests travelled around 50miles to my wedding and the same home, wasn't an issue!

OP, if you want people to stop "bloody judging" people who do things differently than you, then you would not be annoyed re the groom and there would no longer be a need for AIBU.
I think you are showing massive confidence in how you will feel post-delivery, and in the fitness of your new dc to be left not just overnight but for two nights. No two babies are the same and heaven forbid there are any health issues you may not be able to leave him/her so easily.

I'm surprised your dh wants to leave the baby so soon too (for the stag night in particular). But as you say, everyone is different.

1 would be a 'bit' pissed off but the arrangements have been made by the groom. Tbh your feelings won't have entered his head! I would go just for the one night I really wouldn't get too stressed about it.
It's really not a big deal.

Go the night before. I would love a night in a hotel on my own watching TV and ordering room service. In fact I would find it preferable for Dh to sleep elsewhere in the hotel if he was planning a late boozy evening. Spend the money on yourself and enjoy.

Okay so I totally over reacted.

DH didn't say yes, he said he would have to ask me. And he isn't going to stay with the groom. He just thought the would if I didn't want to spend the money on 2 nights. He'll be sticking to the plan and staying with me.

Crisis averted.

Nice to know how judged im being for leaving my child with my parents for a couple of nights. That's delightful.

Also thanks for the patronising comments about 'you don't know how you'll feel'.

And of course if the baby has some health issues I won't still go. Bloody hell!

Anyway, actual thanks to very one who said I was and wasn't being unreasonable and have fair comments. I heeded them all.

Why is that patronising? and why can't someone say they wouldn't be able to do that? I don't think it's all that common.
Anyway, 115 messages later and you realise there wasn't a problem at all...

Leaving a child who knows gparents well and has possibly stayed with them before for a couple of nights - not a problem

Leaving a 6 week old baby that hasn't been born yet and could be high need(not necessarily health reasons just a typical young baby wanting its mother) that does not seem to factor into your decision making at all - unreasonable.

I really think that if he's best man at the wedding it is entirely reasonable for your DH to put his mate first on this occasion!!!

Ultimately, judgey or not, you're upto leaving your baby and going away for the weekend so I don't really see why you wouldn't be upto a short journey and moving a bag into a car boot. I mean, if that's such an issue then use more smaller bags so they're light and easy to move.

I think you need to talk to your DH.

Tell him you are put out that the plans have changed without consulting you. Explain that you were looking forward to the 2 nights in the hotel and why. Ask him what he thinks you should both do about it? See what he says.

TBH I can see both sides but if it were me in this position then I would just stay in the room as planned the night before on my own. Bliss

I think leaving the baby for 2 nights, at 6 weeks, which is very tiny and expecting a wedding to run around your needs for a bag of hair products both suggest that you see yourself as at the centre of everything. Your priorities are all screwed up.

I think you need to talk to your DH but, in any case, all he is doing is putting his best friend - the groom's needs above yours - not unreasonable given the guy is getting married. If you are not going to be with DH, or with your child / children then just do whatever YOU want.

I don't think it's a big deal that your DH has the extra night, as when you are the best man you are basically to do whatever the groom wants. let him enjoy his buddy time. it's harder to come by as people get older and more busy with their families. use the time to recoup from the birth and have a bit of fun.

YABU. It's not your wedding. You sre just a guest. So of course the groom hasn't 'considered your feelings'. Yo fon't have to go. You choose to attend someone elses special day.

YAABU to leave a newborn with anyone else for 72 hours. Not good for either of you.

Excellent, glad to hear it is all sorted. Crossed wires eh?!

I think it's great you are having a few nights away child free. Sometimes it is just what is needed to feel human again. I also don't understand the need for others to judge or act like martyrs, because that's how it comes across. Mothers should stick together and support each other, not judge others about their decisions. There is an underlying implication that just because a woman feels able to spend time apart from her children, that it makes her less of a mother. That's absolute bullshit. Good for you OP!!

Op, don't mind all these people who are judging your decision to go to this wedding for 2 nights. If you feel happy with your choice, and know that your baby will be looked after safely and lovingly, that's all that matters. It won't harm you or your baby to be with grandparents for 72 hours.

For God's Sake bumbleymummy - give it a rest. Op has stated what she thinks and feels and, just because she doesn't think or feel the same as you, is none of your business and you shouldn't keep going on and on and on. SOME of us are not still permanently attached once the cord has been cut, you know.

the fact that you will be post partum is a total red herring here. your dh is otherwise engaged with the wedding party which doesn't seem too unreasonable to me. not least as
you have mentioned other opportunities for weekends away.

I am sure you can manage to pack a bag and put on a dress, not least if you will also be managing this for your work.

generally I might give some consideration for someone with a very new baby but that somehow doesn't seem warranted in this very odd thread