Re DH's friends wedding

[Juno77]

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all

YANBU, not at all, not by any stretch of the longest imagination.

Some people seem to have very low expectations out of life. Other people appear to lead more balanced lives. You are one of the latter OP.

Two questions)

1. why don't you get on with the bride to be ?

And
2)how are you so confident in leaving a six week old little baby with (I assume) your parents for two nights? You don't even know yet what he/she'll be like, whether a calm baby or maybe not so calm. To be so confident to spend two nights away from such a young baby not knowing his/her temperament and letting others take care of him/her sounds quite selfish.

Thanks everyone who has given support to my parenting decisions.

I feel silly for getting so upset and annoyed at DH when he was never planning to go ahead without talking to me first I'll blame pregnancy hormones.

Poor guy has just spent 15 minutes comforting me when he has no idea why I was even upset. I totally got the wrong end of the stick and thought this plan was happening.

And yes, I might be a bit precious but I know how it feels to be 6 weeks post partum, and I'm not looking forward to feeling/looking like crap at what is a very fancy wedding so adding an hours drive after getting ready wasn't ideal. Doesn't mean I'm 'putting my needs before the baby'. Bloody hell. I'm not abandoning it!

Anyway thank you oh wise MN.

I really can't imagine leaving a baby so young for a few hours let alone two nights. I've never left my 19mo with anyone apart from dad once.
And you are going back to work full time 9 hours a day when it's 8 weeks old??
I don't understand you at all and that's not to slate you in any way - we are all very different, but won't you miss the baby?

Hey there

only thought to add was if your DH is spending the evening at the hotel with the groom do you have someone there you can spend the evening with? you said you don't get on with the bride?

If it was me I would love to be able to be reasonable and say "its fine DH, you spend the evening with him" but in reality I would be bored in a hotel room on my own then pissed off when he rolls in drunk later!

I think I would be better having a nice evening in at home on my own, not coping with him being drunk and snoring and being hung over while I was getting ready!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth!
hope the wedding goes smoothly

By the way I'm totally for people having breaks from their dc
I think it's important but when a baby is that young and you can plan two nights away then when you don't know how the baby will be/how needy/how cry-y/how bad a sleeper and so on then two nights seems quite long especially if someone else has to deal with him/her

jimmy my parents are very capable carers, thanks. They've managed to raise me and my siblings, and care for all their grandchildren regularly. Calm babies or otherwise.

That's why I am confident.

I'm just not of the camp that believes a mother is the only one sufficient to a babies needs. A baby needs a loving carer. Some babies don't have mothers, I'm sure mine can cope for 72 hours.

purple needs must. I will be working full time, 8 hour days starting from when the baby is 8 weeks m, yes. Half an hour travel them either side means 9 hours a day childcare.

I won't miss the baby any more than I miss my current children, or DH.

I don't think it's fair for anyone to comment on how much mat leave you are taking - we all have to make the best decisions for our families so each to their own.

Glad it's all sorted and just crossed wires. TBH I would be more pissed off about the 4 night stag break when you are 3 weeks post c section.
Enjoy the wedding.

Dance. Do you really think it's a case of being overly clingy/protective/martyred to think that it is a bit... unusual for a mother to want to leave a young baby that hasn't even been born yet, when she has no idea about how it will react with other people or being away from her etc? I'm pretty sure I'd be in the majority if you were canvassing opinions tbh. It's the fact that it doesn't even seem to be part of her decision making process and seems to have less importance than who is going to be carrying her overnight case that I find a bit shocking.

And, obviously not slating you either but I personally for understand woman who can't leave their babies alone. 19 months?! Wow. That's a long time to have no alone time.

Babies are just people that need cared for. They can get that care and love from a lot of places - I wouldn't restrict my life so much by being so attached.

But each to their own, my way isn't the right way. It's just right for me. As yours is for you.

Poor OP, she's cerainly had it from all directions. Glad she's now discussed with her DH the situation and hopefully all will be fine. Baby will be well looked after with doting grandparents. And speaking someone who has had abdominal surgery (hysterectomy), being sliced and diced for a C section would feel, I imagine, similarly painful post surgery and I don't think OP would feel up to driving (I'm sure it's not recommended for quite some time after the op, but I stand to be corrected).

Give the girl a break - some not very nice comments here directed at her.

Juno77 - it is SO refreshing to hear your views on DCs. It makes such a change to meet a person in their own right with 'other' views on here. I've never understood the "attached by the umbilical until they are 20" viewpoint !! "How COULD you?" is the cry. "Quite easily!" is the answer.

bumblemummy - such a young child needs: food, warmth, love. It doesn't HAVE to be from the mother you know.

What danceparty said

bumble as I've said before, I'm not an attachment type parent. The baby, at 6 weeks, will be quite used to other people. This isn't my first rodeo.

If it's a particularly difficult baby, it'll be difficult for anyone. I'm not a SAHM. I don't do all the feeds/baths/changes etc. I don't spend more time with the baby than DH (we take equal maternity/paternity leave). The baby will spend a lot of time with other people, being held, fed, cuddled, bathed etc. that is the kind of parent I am, it's done no harm to my wonderful existing children.

jimmy my parents are very capable carers, thanks. They've managed to raise me and my siblings, and care for all their grandchildren regularly. Calm babies or otherwise.

^
I'm very sure they ARE OP but it's not their job to handle a 6 week old (especially if she/he is up through the night) it's your job and your dhs job!

But don't worry about them will you ? Have some 'me' time in that spa

Yes, because if you questions leaving a 6 week old for 2 nights you are clearly 'attached by the umbilical cord until they are 20' . You've got to love the extremes on MN

Jimmy - don't be so nasty

But this thread wasn't about leaving her baby bumbley so why would we see how it factored into her decision making process? She's already made that decision regarding leaving the baby for two nights so the issue for discussion was whether she was BU to be put out about the shared arrangements.

I notice no one's getting het up about the father going away for 4 nights when the baby is only 3 weeks old

For feck sake, Jimmy, if the grandparents are happy to look after their grandchildren for two nights (and there's no reason to think they are not), why on earth are you trying to making the OP feel guilty?

Dance, some babies DO need their mothers and can not be easily comforted by other people. I'm sure some of the women posting here have experienced a high need baby and that may be why they are questioning the OP. Are you questioning their experience of that?

Can you go to a spa 6 weeks post-partum? I wouldn't have been able to

jimmy it actually is their job on the weekend in question, because they have kindly volunteered to look after their grandchildren so we can have a nice relaxing time.

What bastards.

I won't worry about them as my parents are wonderful, doting, loving people.

Thats because fathers dont matter as much as mothers on MN. Personally I think the competitive 'I cant piss because my child wont be left' is ridiculous but its how people choose to parent