To be quite angry with my friend?

[Imogencodpiece]

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

Are you still her youth leader and if so why are you forming a friendship with her and going drinking with her? Even if you no longer are its not really an appropriate thing to be doing.

OK so, your DP said something really rude and offensive to a teenager, and you're blaming her for trying to make a joke out of it? What was she supposed to do? Your DP put her in a really awkward situation. He sounds like a twat.

There could be any number of reasons why the young woman responded as she did.

She was drunk, thus her inhibitions were lowered.
She was continuing in the same tone set by others in the group.
She wanted to embarrass the DH for his inappropriateness.
She was trying to turn the DH on, either because she took a fancy to him or just for a tease.

I hope it's 3) but wonder if it may be 4) and that the OP is feeling threatened and is now taking out on the young woman.

Pheasant32 the letch DP basically told the whole table of people that the way she was drinking, looked like she was sucking a man's cock.

If the way she reacted to that made him feel 'uncomfortable' then good.

He's lucky he didn't get the pint poured over his head.

You all sound very cringey. Especially your DP. That's the kind of 'joke' I would expect from an immature teenager who is trying to show off in front of his mates. Coming from an adult man, it's weird and I'm surprised to didn't feel embarrassed for/by him.

YABU - it sounds like now that your friend is single, you're suddenly threatened by any hint of sexuality in her behaviour, even if it is instigated by your partner. She was reacting to his comment, and whilst it may have been ill judged, it wasn't as ill-judged as his initial remark.
I think you need to remember that established friendship groups can have quite complex dynamics which aren't always easy to read for someone who is new to them, especially if they are drunk.

Well he's not your husband and that may have a bearing. He didn't behave like a partner either really, his comment was in awful taste and really inappropriate. I get that you don't want to be angry with him because you have an intimate relationship with him, presumably.

He put this girl in a position; she responded 'off the cuff'. Take it up with your partner, not her, he's the one who did this. Ask him why, perhaps? Does he fancy her? (No point asking him that of course because if he does, he won't admit that to you, will he?).

Why was it that HE brought up what he did when you were on your own? It wasn't enough of an issue for you to bring it up.

I'd be very annoyed if my husband did this - but with HIM.

The thought of df making that sort of 'joke' towards a 19 year old makes my skin crawl.

She's 19...he's, what, 30 ish or nearly 30 by your op.

I bet now she's sobered up she thinks he's a slimy old perv and feels a bit sorry for you op.

Bleughh.

pheasant so why is this young woman presumed to be seeking male approval if she is having multiple sexual partners? Why are you judging her in this way?

Off the subject a little bit, but surely, oral sex is nothing like drinking from a glass...

Pheasant - the 19 year old was responding to a crude comment made by the OP's 'D'P.

He started it. She responded.

Now you want the OP to try and make her feel exceptionally embarrassed by bringing it up. Saying something along the lines 'you must have been soooooo drunk. Do you realise what you did??????? How embarrassing for you!'

What isn't mean about that? She has nothing to feel guilty about. It would be a low and mean trick to turn the tables to make her feel it was her fault.

But, hey, let's make a woman look like the guilty party...again.

Your group sounds immature and deeply unpleasant. Inviting a young girl out, having some sleazy teenage conversation, which DH aims at her, then you both clutching your pearls at her response. Maybe your DH should not make inappropriate remarks to teenage girls.

Sorry but when your DP made a crude sexual comment to her he lost any right to take issue with how she responded. Was he hoping she would blush, be humiliated or embarrassed? What was his motivation? You are way off the mark blaming her for his sleaziness.

I thought that too Lying. Have I been doing it wrong all these years?

Ewwww, your group of friends sound really creepy. Your partner sounds quite repulsive. I would be apologising to the 19 yr old. She shouldn't have had to deal with that. I would be really embarrassed if he was my partner.

BTW, she is not the one who looks like a fool.

And he makes unsolicited sexual comments to a teenager, but is such a delicate flower that he is uncomfortable with the way she looked at him? Give over.

Bowlersarm - yes I do. There are some ways to continue a joke appropriately and some that are definitely not ok. To react to a suggestion of oral sex by repeating the action and making direct eye contact with someone's partner is not ok IMHO.

OP have you read anything on this thread. Your DP started it, he comment was inappropriate but apparently appropriate in the context. Her response was inappropriate but appropriate in the context of your DPs comment. I think she did good with her comeback but I would have a word with your DP.

He= his

I would like to know what you would have liked her to say and do.

Jeez s that all? She hasn't done anything wrong?
You sound rather high maintenance to be quite honest
It's just banter!

YABU OP. Firstly, I don't understand how you can call this girl a friend. After what you've written about her you're no friend to her.

Your DH made the comment which resulted in her doing what she did. He's the one at fault.

You and your friends sound very immature yet you expect a 19 year old to be mature.

Frankly I think you felt threatened by her giving back as good as she was given, maybe you feel insecure about your relationship?

Your DP was sleazy and inappropriate. He got the response he deserved. Unless you are happy for him to happily sit next to you and openly speculate on a teenager giving oral sex.

op, really I think the problem here is your insecurity. She joined in with banter, but once you weren't the instigator you didn't like it. This was a one of incident. She isn't the one that needs to grow up. If you cant take it, don't give it.

The sad thing is that your DP has probably thought about her giving him oral sex.

I feel sorry for the poor girl.