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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite angry with my friend?

327 replies

Imogencodpiece · 26/01/2014 13:49

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 27/01/2014 22:05

It sure is thetallesttower I hold my hair back for many things because it's long and curly and gets in the way!

SarahAndFuckTheResolutions · 27/01/2014 22:12

First of all, you say she is more mature than most 19 year olds but could she actually be a little more sheltered than most. She sounds like me at her age, saving and studying, steady boyfriend etc. You could have called me mature but looking back I feel I was sheltered, naive and very easily flustered in a situation such as the one you go on to describe. Very easily taken advantage of.

She's not used to your group or your banter. She's about ten years younger than the rest of you and recently going through something of a personality change, finding her own identity, behaving in a way you already knew was more sexualised and out of character. I can remember sitting in a pub at 18, with an older male friend and his even older social circle, while they told some story about a vibrator being found by their young son and them passing it off as a water pistol. They didn't actually say the word vibrator though and I was totally clueless as to what they were talking about or why it was funny and they realised that. I was made into the butt of their joke and I knew they were laughing at me but didn't have the confidence to really do anything about it, so I played along and made it worse. I was naive but they were being cunts and it sounds a similar situation to the one you describe in your OP.

It would be very easy for her to misunderstand or misinterpret comments like the one your DH made to her or for her to feel flustered or embarrassed by them and not know how to react.

You are in a position of trust where she is concerned. You have known her since she was fifteen, a child, and you are effectively her superior in the organisation you both help at. She must look up to you in some way and you have put her in a situation where she has had to hold her own in a sexualised conversation with a much older group.

She could now be in a position to make a complaint about your husband to that organisation because no matter what you normally do in your group, you had invited a young girl not used to this sort of situation or the banter you say is normal, a young girl you bear some responsibility towards, and you carried on regardless in a way that might have left her feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Your DP should have known better. It's one thing to continue with the banter to the others who know to expect it, another to speak to a newcomer in this way.

She probably reacted the way she did because she's trying to keep up with a much older group who are all joining in with the sexualised banter, she doesn't want to look immature or prudish to the rest of you and your DH put her on the spot. It could have been embarrassment and a desire not to show it that made her react that way. She sounds out of her depth really.

It's really your DP you need to speak to, if you speak to anyone.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/01/2014 22:33

Have agreed with almost everything that nearly everyone has said on this thread. Some really good points of view, and I just had to pop in and say brilliantly put SarahAndFuckTheResolutions.

I don't know if you are still about OP, but if you are, you would do well to read Sarah's post.

trixymalixy · 27/01/2014 22:49

Agree with everyone else. It's your DH you should be angry at. His comment was rather sleazy.

StickEmUpBigStyle · 27/01/2014 22:54

I know this is op's life but this whole thread is hilarious.
Her dh is such a letch.

Quinteszilla · 27/01/2014 22:55

I learnt the difference between a leach and a letch the hard way.

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2014 08:19

Ew, I cant believe this thread. OP, you sounds horrid! Your post comes across as, 'me and me mates, we're well cool and we talk about rude things and that's just what we're like-we're MAD? us!!'

I might expect this from a 19 year old; how old are you?

You and your partner were very rude to someone out with you -all the crap about jokes being 'whole group' jokes is ridiculous- and she retaliated. Good on her.

If a drink was very full, I would do exactly the same. If some idiot said what your boyfriend did about oral sex, I probably would've done the same as her. I'd have carried on drinking as I was (presuming this is still a free country?!) and stared at him whilst I did it. This would NOT have been a, 'I wish I was giving you head' look, but a, 'you're a rude tosser and you can't tell me how to drink my drink!'

Notawordfromtheladybird · 28/01/2014 13:57

I can't stop laughing at the pulling hair back so it's not in the way of camera / porn shot. Because it is so spot on! Grin

Vijac · 28/01/2014 15:34

If he was saying it to say she looked a bit stupid then I don't blame her in doing that as a joke. It was in the spur of the moment, she probably felt a bit stupid and was trying to make everyone laugh. Or possibly trying to make him feel uncomfortable as he made her feel. She is 19 and I would excuse this, it was just a stupid drunken joke with no intent. In full view of everyone so obviously not meant.

ferretyfeet · 28/01/2014 16:26

I think you DP sounds a total sleazeball saying something like this to a teenager.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/01/2014 16:48

I am interested to know whether the op is still holding her position (as it were) and angry with her friend or whether she can see it from another perspective.

rainyspells · 28/01/2014 16:59

I think your OP should have read something along the lines of......

'AIBU to be mortified about my DP's comments to my relatively young friend.....'

Answer would be - no YANBU because it was incredibly rude and probably made her feel embarrassed.

ferretyfeet · 28/01/2014 17:13

Harry Hill to OPs DP, "Dirty Boy"

curiousuze · 28/01/2014 19:51

This whole thread is amazing. It is what AIBU was made for.

I am so proud of all you vultures vipers wipes tear

(Is anyone else imagining the OP as Penelope Keith in the Good Life?)

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/01/2014 21:39

"(Is anyone else imagining the OP as Penelope Keith in the Good Life?)"

No. I like Penelope Keith in the Good Life. Grin

omuwalamulungi · 28/01/2014 22:02

I love this thread.

SomethingOnce · 28/01/2014 22:28

I wish the OP would come back...

[sigh]

NoLikeyNoLighty · 29/01/2014 00:01

I don't get why people flounce off in the middle of threads, when NOTHING at all remotely nasty was said. (OK,there was a couple of uncalled for comments, but the majority were reasonable!)
OP - "Am I being unreasonable?
Other posters - "yes you are."
OP - "Well then, I hate you all, I'm going to stamp my feet and go as you're all just horrible."
Why bloomin' ask then if you didn't want to know the truth?! Confused

PeriodFeatures · 29/01/2014 00:10

Gosh. This really is a non-issue. You work with young people. I'd have though you would have a level of insight and maturity not to need to 'mumsnet' about it.

HelloBoys · 29/01/2014 09:18

Period - I don't think this is her main job.

I think I may have called her DP a twat but then again he was being that way...

In fact hardly any of us were really nasty just said that her DP was a perv and yes she was BU towards her friend then she got hissy and stormed off.

I always find a quick read of back posts helps too sometimes to gain insight...

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/01/2014 10:00

I don't think she did anything all that wrong either. A 19 year old on a night out with people over a decade older is quite likely to try and make herself seem more mature, and for teenagers more mature often equals talking about sex. And as for the 'oral sex drinking' your husband tried to embarrass her, she turned the tables on him. Don't judge her for going through a bit of a wild phase, she's young and single and she can do what she likes with her own body. Maybe when you've stopped feeling threatened you can get back to being her friend.

Also bear in mind that if you, a 30 something, had been on a night out with a bunch of teenagers, you would probably have done things to make them think you were strange!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/01/2014 20:25

Why thank you, ArtexMonkey... Grin

I feel for the OP actually, however she blusters on that 'it was this girl's fault', she obviously feels that something is amiss with her 'D'P... and it is.

Dazoo · 29/01/2014 22:46

Don't think we'll see Imogencodpiece again. I think 23 and Sarah 's posts sum it up and she'll know it. The girl was trying to fit in and the blow job comment was out of place.

HelloBoys · 29/01/2014 22:54

Dazoo i peeked through Imogen's posts (past) and she had been having problems with her OH (there's a surprise) and she seemed nice but referred to her DC as 'bubba'.

Not meaning to be mean and got nothing against them or her but she sounded quite Netmums and maybe she'd fit in better there. Not a criticism at all just some places fit others better.

Coldlightofday · 30/01/2014 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.