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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite angry with my friend?

327 replies

Imogencodpiece · 26/01/2014 13:49

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2014 16:00

Yep, repulsive is a very harsh word indeed - and it's absolutely appropriate to refer to this man as that.

I doubt whether OP will be back now, having set the scene of sophisticated and established pub nights in Ye Old Oak Pube, she's probably smarting from the justified comments here. We all want to look good in the eyes of others and we want that for our loved ones too... not happening here.

Anjou · 26/01/2014 16:02

A multitude of posters have said it much more eloquently but, YABU.

You're angry with the wrong person.

Your DP was either being sleazy, trying to make a new person in your social group feel uncomfortable/embarrassed, or he thought it was a genuinely funny & appropriate comment to make. The first & second ones are wholly your & your DPs problem - not your 19 year old friend. If it's the last one, hopefully you'll realise from the reactions you're getting that neither his 'joke' nor your pearl clutchy reaction are appropriate. Good on the 19 year old got giving as good as she got and not being intimidated.

I hope you'll take on board what everyone's saying and stop blaming the girl.

phantomnamechanger · 26/01/2014 16:05

Another here who would think it very off if DP even said that to anyone never mind a 19 yo girl.

I think maybe she was just ignoring him, it was not suggestive or "you know you want me to" eyes she was giving him. It was a defiant "I don't give a damn what you say I will drink how I like". If as an added bonus she made a creep who had tried to embarrass her feel embarrassed himself, then good on her.

Your problem is not her, its your own insecurity about DH interacting with a younger woman in a flirty way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2014 16:07

I now really, really want to know if it was a glass or a bottle...

VoyageDeVerity · 26/01/2014 16:07

Savoy we're meant to just blush and giggle don't cha know?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:08

I think there's too much horror at the DP here.
He was a bit crass. She appear to have run with it.
Just get some distance or a while. Ah, drinking.i do miss it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:11

She's not a girl she's a 19 yo adult woman.
If the rest of the group are in their late 20s then there's possibly no bigger age agape than bet ween my DH and I. It's ridiculous to suggest that he's a letcherouos old man making inappropriate comments to a girl.
She's a grown up.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:14

Op, if you can accept it was a joke from your DP I think you should cut this woman the same slack really.

Bowlersarm · 26/01/2014 16:15

She's still a teenager.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2014 16:17

I don't think it's 'horror' at the DP. For me - and I think some of the other posters - it's the immediate leap of the OP to blame the girl, ignore what her partner has done and continue to give reasons why the girl shouldn't have done this.

If my husband would have said this, I would have been annoyed, but it would be very, very out of character for him to do that and there would be something up with it because it's not 'him'. Some men, (and women) on the other hand like to be a bit risqué, that's their way. They like to have an audience and the surround themselves with people who won't mind and will actively 'join in'.

This girl - he didn't know her, didn't read his audience - and she outclassed him in a very withering way. I would like to buy her another drink, in a glass, which I get she would drink properly.

If I were OP, I'd take a look back at 'DP's' behaviour, not just that night, but over a period because from what she's posted (a lot of superfluous information that doesn't add anything) and I read it as a 'distraction' from what I believe she feels, ie. stupid, with somebody who most people think is a dick - and possibly one who is casting his eye around. He may also not be doing any of those things, just socially inept - but who wants to be with somebody like that? Not I.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:18

she's still a teenager
So what? That doesn't make her a child.
She's an adult, he made a remark that could be seen as crass but she's not a child. She's not in their care.

AGoodPirate · 26/01/2014 16:19

Your DP sounds like a sleaze.
The girl sounds like she pwned him. That's what I would've said when I was 19 anyway.

anothernumberone · 26/01/2014 16:19

RealAmanda can you explain how the friend ran away with it. Tbh there is plenty of innuendo conversations among DP's peers but once it starts it is free for all territory. If that is the context which the OP suggests then neither of them did anything wrong. I only think the OP should talk to her DP because it is obvious she cannot hack this type on innuendo and so she should curb him so she does not find herself in this situation being unreasonable again.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:20

You don't know she outclassed him. Sounds like he was pissed, made a (possibly suggestive) remark. She was pissed and she reacted in kind. I don't read from the situation that she outclassed him, that it was an act of defiance. It sounds like she was trying to fit in, a look a bit "naughty".

waterlego6064 · 26/01/2014 16:20

I certainly didn't feel properly grown-up at 19, and I assume I'm not alone in that. I was more mature in some ways than others, and I would say that sexuality, confidence etc were aspects of myself which took longer to mature.

Original poster
Imogencodpiece · 26/01/2014 16:21

Firstly, those of you who are calling my DP a twat need to learn some manners. There is no need for name calling.

I posted on AIBU because I wanted views on whether I was BU or not. I have had those along with some very judgmental remarks that I am a horrible person, not in fact my friends friend.

To answer some questions yes I am still the group leader, I have known her since she was 15 and came to me as a young leader looking to do her leadership. Those of you in the same organisation will now probably know which it is.
I have helped and guided her through the years she has been with us and I actually feel somewhat responsible for her and to be honest I don't like this 'new' her that seems to think that getting very drunk and having unprotected sex with multiple men is the way that single teenagers act.
I am angry with her because I know that she knows better and is acting like a complete pillock.
There were other elements to her behavior during the evening that lead me to think that she is behaving recklessly. for example going into details with my friends who's birthday it was husband about how many men she has slept with when and how and how she also likes women ect ect basically over sharing to anyone who would listen to her and embarrassing herself.

I did not say this in the OP as i was trying to keep it to exactly why i was annoyed with her.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 26/01/2014 16:21

Odd for a group of people who all seem to act like teenagers, the one person you're annoyed at for acting like one is the teenager ;)

Bowlersarm · 26/01/2014 16:22

It makes her a very young woman.

Quite agree Lying the more I think about it the more I realise just how unreasonable - possibly insecure about her DP - the OP is being.

He makes a comment, the 19 year old responds in a like manner, and the DP has the nerve to feel uncomfortable about it! What a flipping cheek he has. Probably worried he was caught out by making such a remark in front of his partner, and quickly tried to backtrack.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:22

I said she ran with it.not ran away with it.
The two are not the same. I think it sounds like she was joining in.
My main point is that she's not a child. A girl is a child. Saying something like that to a child would have been reprehensible. Saying it to an adult just sounds like shit ppl say when they're pissed.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2014 16:23

RealAmanda, for a 19 year old, caught on the hop? Yes, I'd say she outclassed him. He did this, not her, she responded quickly and thinking on her feet.

Not a classy thing to do, but yes, she outclassed - or outfoxed - him if you prefer.

anothernumberone · 26/01/2014 16:23

realamanda you are suggesting different standards of in appropriateness for men and women as does the OP which to me is quite misogynistic to me.

Bowlersarm · 26/01/2014 16:24

I can't believe you are still defending him OP. Are you not listening to 90%+ of posters on here?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2014 16:24

OP... considering the amount of information you put in your OP, you could have included that information that you're now attempting to drip feed. It won't wash and you're starting to sound a bit spiteful.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 26/01/2014 16:24

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Imogencodpiece · 26/01/2014 16:25

as for my DP being inappropriate, i had not really considered this before and yes, i agree. however i still feel her response was inappropriate. just because she is 19 does not mean she is not responsible for her actions. She could just have laughed it off and changed the subject as i would have done. I would NOT under any circumstances whether i thought the person was a letch or not have made direct eye contact with them and repeated the action i thought they thought was sexy unless i wanted to encourage them..

OP posts: