To be quite angry with my friend?

[Imogencodpiece]

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

Listen , I'm actually one for trusting my gut instinct. So if you saw flirty then maybe it was.

She's only 19. She's trying to fit in but perhaps she got the tone wrong because of all the sexual innuendo.

19 is young. However mature you might be at something's , you might get it wrong at other times.

Your DP raised the stakes. Perhaps she misinterpreted his tone.
I can see both sides here but think you need a break from each other.

She is young. And was drunk.

Give her break, but cool off for a bit.

You were happy for dh to dish out the sexual innuendos but not to take them.

Both as bad as each other. You and dh! It was a taste of your own medicine!!

Sounds like you expected her just to sick there and suck it up whilst you all laughed at her expense. Only she turned the 'joke' around so the laugh was on your partner and you don't like it.

His remark was highly inappropriate, not just because of her age but because she doesn't usually socialise with your group and therefore can hardly be expected to know the highly complex rules of engagement you and your friends appear to operate to.

Maybe your friend felt embarrassed/uncomfortable about your DH's comment and her reaction was to make him/you uncomfortable too. Tit for tat.

"DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable."

I love the way he pointed it out to you, just to ensure you noticed. No wonder it's preying on your mind the more you think about it. Maybe you don't trust your DP all that much? Otherwise there's nothing to fret about.

Your DP was made a sleazy remark to a 19 year old girl and she responded in a similar manner.

If you want to get mad at someone have a go at your DP.

Your DH started it, you just don't like that she reacted to it.

Oral sex probably isn't the most appropriate thing to be joking about to a 'silly 19 yr old'.

Whole thing just sounds really silly!

'I feel that I might be being unreasonable...'

There you go then.

quintzilla I think you should be more angry that he looked at her and his first thought was "this is what she will look like when performing oral sex" than anything...

first of all, thank you for not making snap judgement about me and my friends like some people on here, and thank you for putting what everyone else has been saying in a way i kind of get.
I didn't really think of it like this. the comment he made is just a normal silly comment. something we all as a group of adults may say and it would get a laugh. whether some people think that immature i don't really care. But i suppose i was assuming it was a deliberate pointed action on her part rather than the possibility of a misunderstanding.

YABU. But you've probably realised that by now!

She directed it at the person who made the comment. It doesn't sound like she was flirting, just carrying on your DH's 'joke'.

He was massively inappropriate - this was his friends, you're all older than her and he made a joke which would make most people unconfortable. She turned the tables and made him feel unconfortable right back. Good for her. You sound like the immature one here. You have no moral high ground at all.

thank you for your balanced view SauceForTheGander

(Repeating just about everyone)

Poor woman, she was just trying to fit in with your groups sleazy conversation.
I would expect all that childish innuendo with a group of teens, not people of your age.
She was probably a bit shocked and embarrassed to be with such immature adults.
Your husband sounds like a sleazeball too talking to a younger girl like that.

I wonder why you solicited opinion on AIBU when you are clearly unwilling to accept it when you are resoundingly told YES. I would agree with everyone else on this, YABU, and are evidently not as confident in your OH as you'd like if you feel threatened by this (as you clearly do.)

YANBU. You need to just let it go.

There is an overwhelming amount of adults all saying what your husband said is not normal banter and not appropriate. I'm an adult and I have never made or been on receiving end of sexual innuendo unless I (or the other person) was flirting.

Again. Not normal. At all.

I bet your friend was extremely uncomfortable. I would be if someone's partner, who I didn't know very well, said that kind of remark to me. (And he did say it to her, not the group.)

I am actually speechless. It doesn't happen often.

Your attitude stinks.

You didn't mind her joking around your sleazy partner until she was single and, therefore, a threat. Your insecurity and jealousy shines through. Frankly you need to leave this nice girl alone, dump the sleaze and grow up. Or stay with him, whatever, I can't summon any empathy for you. There. I've given the response I believe you are looking for.

I don't like the slut shaming.

We're conditioned to look at female sexuality and behaviour differently and we're judged for it - and judged harsher than men. We're sexualised and then punished for behaving sexy.

So no slut shaming and no blaming women for responding to overly sexualised comment in a the same vein.

Let's not women do it to each other.

She really hasn't done the worst thing ever but you're seeing it as part of a change in her. She's 19, finding her way as a single girl - many of us have been there.

There's a deeper issue of you not approving of her sleeping around and thinking she's flirting with your DP. That's why I was asking if you're still her youth leader and if that dynamic influences your disapproval?

Why was it ok for your husband and friends to make these type of jokes but not her?

I think you all sound awful