To be quite angry with my friend?

[Imogencodpiece]

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

Oh come on OP, I seriously doubt your DP felt uncomfortable at all.

His comment was very flirty and she flirted right back.

She's 19. He was trying to make her feel stupid. You probably all seem really old and intimidating to her. Why are you being such a bitch? Oh and yes it sounds like your DP has the hots for her to be honest.

Seems to me it's a very fine line between what you, your DP and your friends consider acceptble banter and what your 19 year old friend did.

Rather harsh judgment from you really. It's possible she was properly flirting with your DP, or it's possible she was joining in and got it slightly wrong, or it's possible she was a bit pissed and got it wrong.

The problem is, when you and your friends have this banter, there's always a possibility that it's can be misunderstood.

(And I don't really understand the problem with your friend being 19. She's allowed to be young)

I think it's completely reasonable to be annoyed. I would feel the same.
OP DP made a safe joke within friends and the 19 year old reacted inappropriately. She treated the DP as if she were entitled to flirt with him, rather than showing respect/restraint for the fact that he was a friend's P. How far is she prepared to go under other circumstances?

That said, it was probably harmless, she was drunk and I doubt it was meant seriously. She was flirting with him and I think it was pretty good of the DP to initiate a discussion about it. Also bearing in mind that she's just separated from her bf and has started sleeping around, she is probably seeking male attention/approval, albeit maybe subconsciously. Doesn't excuse it, but may explain it.

I personally would probably say something like "Did you feel ok the next day? Because you seemed really drunk! Do you remember what you did when X joked about oral sex?!" Which shows her that you noticed and thought it was inappropriate and gives her the chance to apologise.

JMO :)) I hope you get it sorted :)

Did he actually say 'oral sex'? Ergh.

What everyone else said, take your blinkers off. He started it and the fact that he had the cheek to say he felt uncomfortable is laughable.

Also bearing in mind that she's just separated from her bf and has started sleeping around, she is probably seeking male attention/approval, albeit maybe subconsciously. Doesn't excuse it, but may explain it.

Women are allowed to have multiple sexual partners BECAUSE THEY WANT TO, it doesn't mean they are defective or 'seeking male approval'. FFS.

Your dp was asking for it.

Pheasant so you think it's a good idea for the OP to bring it up again to make this 19 year old feel embarrassed and mortified? And the OPs DP gets off guilt free having started the whole thing? You sound like one mean person tbh.

Pheasant, I can't believe you think the poor girl was inappropriate. It was the older man who was.

Can you honestly not see how inappropriate your DP comment was? If DH had said that to a 19 yo our " group" would be quite disgusted actually.
She responded in a way she thought was giving back the awful sexual banter that had been thrown on her. Good for her. Or are women just meant to blush and turn away when men make sexual comments to them?

Your DP said he felt uncomfortable.. Hmm hello pot meet kettle!!

I'd say hanging around with a 19 year old is a hiding to nowhere. They're at a different life stage. It's not her fault; it's just the way it is. She was being immature. Put some distance between you and her.

Be angry with your DP instead - his comment was totally inappropriate!!

I'd say hanging around with a 19 year old is a hiding to nowhere. They're at a different life stage. It's not her fault; it's just the way it is. She was being immature. Put some distance between you and her.

Except it was the presumably 'mature' DP who started all this grotesque 'banter'. She was merely responding in kind.

Right.

What is the appropriate response Pheasant to a joke like that?

Sit back, blush and giggle?

Pheasant You sound like one mean person sorry I take that back. But that would be an incredibly mean thing to do.

I was going to say it seems like a case of the DP being able to dish it out, but can't take it given back.

However, it seems it's actually the OP who can't take it so she's annoyed with the wrong person here.

I expect the DP was pleased of the attention from a 19yr old and that's why the OP is angry.

So pheasant, it was a safe joke when he started it but not safe when she continued it?

OP, perhaps if your partner doesn't want to feel uncomfortable, he shouldn't make inappropriate sex talk/jokes?

Boody hell Phantom, do you really think that?.
I hope I never end up at the next table to your group in a pub OP, I would find your sexual innuendo and guffaws very offputting.

*sorry pheasant.

Well, if pointed sexual innuendo is the norm in your friendship group, OP, why are you pissed off if your friend participates?

This ^

Your DP said a pretty lame joke (wouldn't even class it as a joke) and she carried it on.

Seriously bridge - build one, then get over it.

Bowlersarm - yes I do. There are some ways to continue a joke appropriately and some that are definitely not ok. To react to a suggestion of oral sex by repeating the action and making direct eye contact with someone's partner is not ok IMHO. Don't really understand why that makes me mean tbh.

JanineStHubbins - of course they are. It was a specific SUGGESTION about this girl, not a sweeping statement about my beliefs of women in general.....

Ewwww. I'd actually be quite repulsed if my DH said something like that to someone so young, and would have to have words with him about appropriate boundaries.

OP- YABVU.

If my husband had made a comment like this to a 19-year old (indeed, to anyone) I'd have been disgusted with him, and would think any comeback more than justified. Your husband has no right whatsoever to feel uncomfortable, though I'm glad he did - perhaps he'll think a bit more about making inappropriate remarks in the future. If you're concerned about your friend flirting with your husband, I wouldn't worry too much - most women are not interested in men who think it's funny to make crass sexual "jokes" at their expense.