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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite angry with my friend?

327 replies

Imogencodpiece · 26/01/2014 13:49

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 26/01/2014 14:07

I don't get the problem?She way responding to your partners comments which you seem to find perfectly acceptable aimed at this 'once innocent',drunk 19yo girl.

If it's acceptable for the rest of you to act in such a manner it's acceptable for her to respond in the same manner.

And,umm,if you think she's making a fool of herself so is you partner..

Thetallesttower · 26/01/2014 14:07

Imogen there is no higher moral ground to be had when your DH makes a remark about oral sex to a 19 year old.

MogwaiTheGremlin · 26/01/2014 14:08

YABU! Why are you and your friends allowed to make jokes/innuendo but she's not? I hardly think she was hitting on your husband in front of your very eyes - more likely she was just playing along with his "hilarious" oral sex joke.

SauceForTheGander · 26/01/2014 14:08

You don't seem to like her very much.

Are you still leader of this youth group? Maybe you shouldn't socialise together anymore.

pinkdelight · 26/01/2014 14:09

Why is it ok? Because she was responding to your DP's 'joke'. I can't get over you not realising that he caused the situation. What exactly was the appropriate response to him? Just to feel stupid and be quiet?

I don't think any of you sound mature tbh.

Original poster
Imogencodpiece · 26/01/2014 14:09

Yes sauce I have. Thats how I feel. Everything we usually joke about is never directed at anyone in particular all part of group jokes. key word 'Group'

If she had laughed and done it towards the whole group. funny, directly at someone. not so much.

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 26/01/2014 14:10

Your Husband started it

MogwaiTheGremlin · 26/01/2014 14:10

And she's not a "stupid 19 year old" what a horrible thing to say about your friend

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 26/01/2014 14:10

Imogen,what you need to ask is why it's ok for your partner,yourself and others to do it to her!!!Not the other way round

As for acting like a stupid 19 yo,look at yourselves!

CalamityKate · 26/01/2014 14:11

You all sound very immature but she's got more of an excuse.

Mellowandfruitful · 26/01/2014 14:12

So it's OK for you all to do it, but not the newcomer? I would expect she is taking her cues from you - and your DP who started all this by his own comment to her Hmm - so why is it her fault? You are clearly uncomfortable with a 19 yo making sexual comments to your DP, but you're blaming the wrong person for that. Don't have a go at her for it, you will look foolish.

pinkdelight · 26/01/2014 14:12

"Everything we usually joke about is never directed at anyone in particular all part of group jokes. key word 'Group"

Do you issue any other friends with your Group rules before they drink with you, just so they know to address their responses to the 'Group' not to the person who spoke directly to them?

JanineStHubbins · 26/01/2014 14:12

Everything we usually joke about is never directed at anyone in particular all part of group jokes. key word 'Group'

Apart from when your DP makes a joke at your friend's expense about oral sex, right? Hmm

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 26/01/2014 14:12

She directed it at your dp because he directed it at her!

HyvaPaiva · 26/01/2014 14:14

Your DP was inappropriate and lechy.

I've noticed often on MN when a woman's male partner does something gross that the woman's anger is directed not at him but at the other female on the receiving end of the gross activity. That's exactly what you are demonstrating here. Hmm

Your friend did nothing wrong.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/01/2014 14:15

What calamity said.

Maybe it's time to grow out of the teenage behaviour?

KatharineHepburnsTrousers · 26/01/2014 14:15

Oh lord. Is this what mumsnet has become? Slagging off 19 year olds for giving head to a bottle at a party?

I may as well read just 17 magazine for the intelligent level of discourse.

Mellowandfruitful · 26/01/2014 14:16

'Everything we joke about is never directed at anyone in particular'

but you also said you told her ''errr pick the glass up nutter' - how was that directed at anyone but her? Same with your DP's remark which is clearly aimed at just her, so not surprising her response was aimed at him. You're deceiving yourself about the way you behave as a group.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 26/01/2014 14:16

Tell your dp not to make sexual references in social company and someone won't take the bait in future. You are being angry with the wrong person.

JenBehavingBadly · 26/01/2014 14:16

Imogen, you're sounding really mean. Seriously.

Don't invite her if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but your DH made a sexual comment to a 19yo.

diddl · 26/01/2014 14:17

Well done her I say for not being intimidated by your partner.

I would have wanted the ground to open up if I were her & would be furious with my partner for saying such a thing to a teen.

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 14:19

"she is acting now like a stupid 19 year old"

Likewise your partner, he should know better than this, as I assume he is in his thirties.

I think you should be more angry that he looked at her and his first thought was "this is what she will look like when performing oral sex" than anything...

I can see why you feel threatened, but your dh started it.

kukeslala · 26/01/2014 14:20

Maybe she felt embarrassed by the comment, so reacted to make your partner feel uncomfortable.

Maybe she thought she was a grown woman and could choose how she drunk, so would carry on.

Maybe she witnessed and felt the atmosphere of the evening, and felt she was participating in the banter.

I would not be pissed off with her in this situation.

Bowlersarm · 26/01/2014 14:20

Your DP started it!

He made a sexual innuendo and she continued the theme.

Why is he in the right, and she in the wrong?

It doesn't make sense.

JimmyChooChoo · 26/01/2014 14:20

You all sound like you're 19 tbh