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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaves DS (7rs) in shop alone

230 replies

anotherglass · 26/01/2014 10:26

DH went to supermarket yesterday with DS7. When they got to checkout DH realised he has left debit card in the car, in the car park.

The shop was not our local store but a large hypermarket where DS1 had not been before.

Instead of taking DS (7yrs) with him to collect the card, he left him at the till with the shopping trolley, next to the cashier. This was at a time of day when the store was extremely busy. In all he was left for about 5-7mins.

DS waited by the till but later told me daddy had left him as he was scared.

I am livid at DH for not taking DS with him to the car but he says he is OK with his decision and would do it again.

If I had seen a child left at a till by themselves in a big supermarket I would certainly be raising an eyebrow but he does not in any way acknowledge his decision as putting his son at risk.

AIBU

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/01/2014 11:28

I don;t think leaving a 7 year old (I have a recently turned 8 year old) to wait for you in a busy public place for 5 minutes is particularly unreasonable. Personally I would have given DS the choice and at 7 it would have been borderline whether he would have preferred to come with me or not.

So I don't think it was a wildly unreasonable thing for you DH to have done and rather than berate your DH you should point out to your DS that even though he was scared that nothing actually happened to him and waiting for 5 minutes and staying put even somewhere that was busy and he wasn't familiar with is not something to be scared of.

Being with his older brother is not being in a shop "on his own".

Its not nice of your DH to say he would do it again is your DS was genuinely very scared (rahter than a bit apprehensive), a bit over the top for you to be "livid" and a bit of a problem that at 7 your DS wanders off in busy places.

The safest thing you can do for him is to teach him firmly not to wander off. Busy supermarkets are not a hotbed of child abductions - he was probably more likely to get knocked over by a car in the car park.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/01/2014 11:29

Newt, I like a pummeling. Assume that's why you're still on the thread Grin

OP posts:
CheeseStrawWars · 26/01/2014 11:30

I would be focusing on why your son was scared. What did he think might happen? Did he think his Dad wouldn't come back? Have you practised with him what to do if he gets lost? Is there some background trauma which means he doesn't handle being left alone well?

My 5yo knows that if she gets lost in a shop, she goes to the checkout and tells them she's lost her mummy. Doesn't matter what the shop is, if it's new or not, she knows the checkout is where people pay. She's also memorised my mobile number, so she can get them to call me if they don't have a tannoy. We have planned for that eventuality.

She knows I would come back if I said to wait there with the cashier, she's sensible for her age, she doesn't wander off, so for us, the situation you describe would be fine. If it was my 3yo on the other hand, and my DH did what you said, I would be very unimpressed. So, to an extent, without knowing what your 7yo is like, I don't know if you can say YABU or YANBU. But he is 7, so I query why he's so scared and what he thinks could happen to him.

Jinty64 · 26/01/2014 11:30

The key factor in this situation is that the environment was NEW and it was ultra BUSY.

Why isn't anyone taking this into account when they reckon I am being unreasonable.

I don't think anyone missed this OP

Standing beside a supermarket trolley for five minutes whilst his Dad gets his wallet is the same no matter where it is. Ds3 is 7 and would happily do it. I would have no problem with asking him to do it.

If you and/or your ds are not happy then you have to discuss what happens in future with dh and work with your son to help with his anxiety and habit of wandering off.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/01/2014 11:31

Reckless?! Really? I agree that he should have asked your DS first but I don't think he was reckless. Mountain out of a molehill.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/01/2014 11:31

Thanks CheeseStrawWars for the thoughtful post. Indeed we need to speak to him and DH is also concerned that he was scared.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/01/2014 11:32

You think staying in one place for 5 minutes is beyond the capability of the average 7 year old?! In that case I really don't think you have an average 7 year old - perhaps you and your DH would do better to stop pointing fingers at each otehr for whose judgment is better and discuss what you can do to gradually improve your DS's ability to be safe alone in public places. Its a good time to start if your school is anything like ours next year he will do a safe walking course on how to cross roads and the year after be walking to school on his own.

Not being able to be alone in a public place for 5 minutes isn;t a great start - discuss with your DH how to get there.

ChippingInWadesIn · 26/01/2014 11:32

Oh you are hilarious.

'Calm down ladies' Only hairy handed truckers say that to get a rise surely?

ThedementedPenguin · 26/01/2014 11:32

Taking all of this into consideration

^This was a NEW environment
It was ULTRA busy
He is known to wander off
His dad COULD have taken him. He didn't have any other children with him
The cashier was busy^

I would still be happy to leave my ds (if he was 7) at a checkout. I've left my cousins stood at one before while I went and got things I've forgotten.

Your Dh would probably of taken twice as long to go if he had brought your ds with him. He made a decision based on how NEW and ULTRA busy the shop was, and I don't see an issue with his decision.

YABVU.

NewtRipley · 26/01/2014 11:33

OP

I'm supporting your right now, but I could turn at any moment, so just watch yourself Grin

I think that some of us err on the side of caution. I think that if you are the parent who spends more time with the child you may either:

a) not be able to see the wood for the trees, and so underestimate their ability to be independent

or

b) know them really well and be able to predict more accurately how they'll respond to a situation.

Now, I think that your sone wasn't in much danger and nothing bad happened. BUT it's just worth thinking these things through and listening to your DH's POV because as they get older these kind of decisions happen more and more.

No one was in the wrong here

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/01/2014 11:33

How many of you would be happy if a childminder, for example, was to leave your 7 year old in a busy,new shop in the same circumstances. Would you be cool with that ?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/01/2014 11:34

sorry that was Xposted with cheesestrawwars

Raleighton · 26/01/2014 11:34

Unfamiliar is a moot point. Kids eye level all hypermarkets are much the same - in the sense that they know what is likely to happen at one. I'd argue he's less likely to do something random in an unfamiliar place. Times when I've had close shaves with kids wandering off, it's always been that they anticipate that we'll go to the checkout, or the ice cream stand, or to see their friend or such like.

NotDavidTennant · 26/01/2014 11:34

I hate these AIBUs were the OP has already decided one way or another if they were being U or not and won't hear otherwise. Why put a thread in AIBU if you're not willing to hear differing opinions?

NewtRipley · 26/01/2014 11:34

Cheese

I agree

The point is (unless you want to disbelieve what the OP has said), the child was scared.

ThedementedPenguin · 26/01/2014 11:35

Now you are just being ridiculous, he was with his dad. No matter how you try to twist it the majority think you are unreasonable.

Kewcumber · 26/01/2014 11:36

No becasue I pay a childminder to look after my child. But I would be perfectly happy for my mother to do it whcih is more similar to a partner. Childminders are not paid to make judgments like that, family fine.

WHy are you trying to make people say that your DH was being unreasonable Confused

I think its an issue that your DS seemed abnormally scared by a relatively quick thing. I think you need to address this not berate your DH.

Original poster
anotherglass · 26/01/2014 11:37

Perceptive post NewtRipley. Indeed I do spend more time with DS so perhaps do underestimate his independence - quite happy to consider that further.

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 26/01/2014 11:37

I trust my childminder implicitly. I simply wouldn't send them if I had any concerns about her ability to judge a situation appropriately so if she felt it was ok, I would trust it was ok.

NewtRipley · 26/01/2014 11:37

Kewcumber

Good post

Kewcumber · 26/01/2014 11:37

Yes child was scared so I wouldn't do it again if I were DH - but I would concern me that he was so scared.

Thetallesttower · 26/01/2014 11:38

Fine- because I would rather they didn't rush through a busy car park with my child!

I do agree though that I know my children, and in general, if told to stay put, they stay put. They don't wander if told to stay put.

I think the question here is now- do you fuel your child's anxiety or do you reassure them that this shows they are very grown-up but that next time you will ask- but let them know that being left for 5 min with another grown up is safe.

I don't see the parallel with leaving a dog- most dogs sit happily outside the shop without their owners as they are not allowed in!

Kewcumber · 26/01/2014 11:39

Why do you think leaving him for 5 minutes in a supermarket was "risky". What do you think was going to happen.

DS is often out of my sight in a supermarket. Is that risky too?

turningvioletviolet · 26/01/2014 11:39

No, I'm sorry but i might have missed the fact that it was big, new and busy because the OP has only stated it 10 times in this thread. I think she might need to reiterate her point a few more times so the rest of us get it and can comment with full information available.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/01/2014 11:39

Kewcumber is wise, I agree with her posts.