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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be angry at DP for giving me chlamydia?

165 replies

MrsDrRanj · 25/01/2014 17:13

I have been seeing DP for around a year now but it's been very off and on, and on the times when it's been off I knew he had been sleeping with other people.

We're together seriously now and on Monday morning he went to the sexual health clinic, and rang me to say he has chlamydia, said he felt really bad etc. He watched DS for me so I could go down to get treated that same day as I wanted to get it sorted ASAP.

Of course I'm upset that it happened, it's a horrible feeling. And him being with other girls upset me but that's something we worked through. I knew he had been with other people when I slept with him so I am also responsible.

My friends and mums reaction have all been angry towards him, and shock that I'm not angry too. The general consensus is that I'm being a bit of a mug.

AIBU

OP posts:
MusicalEndorphins · 26/01/2014 04:17

YABU to not be angry, with him. (and yourself)
I would be angry that he was having unprotected sex with other people, and then had sex with you before being tested. Perhaps an unplanned child or two may pop up this year as well.
I would not be able to be with my husband again if I were in your circumstances.

HuntingforBunting · 26/01/2014 07:31

I think you need to value yourself more too. No, it's not good enough to be given a sexually transmitted disease by someone who you are seriously together with. Yes I do think you should be angry. Yes I see why your mum and friends would think you are being a mug. Sorry.

JapaneseMargaret · 26/01/2014 07:59

Bottom line is, he knew what he was doing.

Having unprotected sex with you, and with other women.

You were just having unprotected sex with him. He, however, was being extraordinarily cavalier with your sexual health, wasn't he?! What did he think might happen, having sex with various women, without - in the immortal word of J Kyle - putting something on the end of it...?!

This is why you should be angry with him. He's no better than a rutting Jack Russell. Totally ruled by the content of his trousers, and without even enough cop on to manage a condom with a single one of you.

Beat yourself up if it makes you feel better, but he's the villain of the piece.

ilovesooty · 26/01/2014 08:44

He's your on/off shag not your partner.

You're just one of the many women he fucks with no regard to their sexual health. Get real.

Grow up, take responsibility for your well being and think seriously about your motives for telling your mother and friends.

BohemianGirl · 26/01/2014 08:56

I take it none of you have ever had a one night stand or anything of the sort.

TBH with you, no.

But, I sincerely hope this is the wake up call both you and he need. You (your generation) don't seem to get the bombardment my generation did when HIV hit the scene regarding STDs (as they were back in the day). You have no concept of how dangerous they can be.

BohemianGirl · 26/01/2014 09:00

Also there is a lesson to be learned in dignity and discretion. You may think you have only told your mum and two mates, but I can guarantee they will all have told at least one other person, who may or may not be discrete.

If you and this bloke don't go the course, you do realise people will be saying at the very least "That Dave gave her the clap" which will make potential new partners back away

StandingInLine · 26/01/2014 09:03

TheOrchardKeeper it's HIV ,not Aids if you must know.

JapaneseMargaret · 26/01/2014 09:03

I've had one night stands. Not sure what that's got to do with the OP's situation.

And I don't know why you would tell people, unless you really want them to dislike your 'D'P. Confused

Busyoldfool · 26/01/2014 09:09

Hi OP, sorry to hear that you have this disease, horrible for you. People have been pretty rough on you. You are the one suffering the consequences of STD and it can't be pleasant. The tone of your OP was a bit cavalier though and people reacted to that. You say that you have learned your lesson though. I think you are right not to be angry with your partner - no point now.

It is easy to judge and in many situations I often feel that "There but for the grace of God go I.."

ShephardsDelight · 26/01/2014 09:14

Im interested as to why you didn't ask him about if his sex had been protected or not?
Was it because you didn't want to think about or because you felt you needed to brush it under the carpet as fast as possible without much evaluation?

Obviously we are all wondering why you stayed with , never mind had unprotected sex with a bloke who slept around when you were apart? does that mean like you were on a break?

But I think you need to sit and ask yourself these questions tbh, hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Dahlen · 26/01/2014 09:14

I think it's right that you're not angry, though you wouldn't be human if you didn't have a little underlying resentment/hurt about it.

If you chose not to use condoms during your sexual relationship with him knowing that he was having unprotected sex with others then you are just as much responsible as he is.

I'm glad he alerted you straight away though so that you've both been able to receive treatment. Chlamydia can have serious consequences left untreated.

If this works out then I guess the issue of using protection when having sex outside of a committed, monogamous LTR won't apply, but if you split up for any reason, I daresay both of you will have learned from this experience. I guess you can just chalk it up to experience this time round and be grateful it wasn't anything more serious.

LittleBearPad · 26/01/2014 09:15

Well you were silly to think he'd been using condom with his other partners when had didn't use them with you

Time to grow up a little. And stop telling your mum and friends. You're a grown woman. Have some discretion.

ShephardsDelight · 26/01/2014 09:22

Oh right posted too fast,

I had the impression the relationship was more serious than it is.

MrsDavidBowie · 26/01/2014 09:29

Have some dignity woman.

Upsetandscared · 26/01/2014 09:41

I've only recently been diagnosed with genital herpes type 2 Sad They don't test for herpes as standard in the UK in GUM clinics. It's a lifelong condition and very distressing. Some people have no symptoms at all. 6 in 10 have type 1. 1 in 10 have type 2. Source: www.herpes.org.uk/faq.html#4

Wake up and take your sexual health more seriously OP. Always use condoms.

Balaboosta · 26/01/2014 10:03

Not sure what you're asking. If you're not angry, then you're not angry. No one can tell you to be angry. They might offer you "relationship advice", which is what they are doing. If you don't want that, don't ask you it.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 26/01/2014 10:38

I would be fuming.

Not about having sex with other people, but putting my Heath at risk because he couldn't put a condom on and running the risk of an unplanned pregnancy.

I also thing the OP is foolish having unprotected sex when knowing he has had sex with other people.

Original poster
MrsDrRanj · 26/01/2014 16:55

Perhaps my OP came across as if I'm not that bothered about it. Believe me I am. And yes I do have self esteem issues for reasons I don't want to go into. I don't see why there's need for such anger though. And the Jeremy Kyle comment was hurtful I realise this is an embarrassing issue but it's still my life.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 26/01/2014 17:20

I dont think your OP came across as not bothered. It sounded more like youve vented to your family & friends and on here, because you cant say what you really want to say with your man. I do think if board was full of angry comments about him, you wouldnt be so defensive. Unfortunately, you never can tell how things will go when you post on the internet...you wont always hear what you expect to hear. Sitting back wanting anger to be directed at your partner via your mother, friends, and strangers on the internet is of no use. It isnt going to make you feel better. Its him you need to face. Its your life, as you say; I agree. Its not the life of your family friends or anyone on here so whatever the case, if you arent going to deal with this directly with your partner then the best thing to do is try to find a way to live with it.

CoffeeTea103 · 26/01/2014 17:30

You're right. You can't be angry at him because it's a consequence of an action you were fully informed about.

Thatisall · 26/01/2014 18:16

OP how do you know that YOU didn't give HIM chlamydia? If you were both sleeping with other people?

sykadelic15 · 26/01/2014 19:00

Thatisall - helps if you RTFT

" MrsDrRanj Sat 25-Jan-14 17:44:41

Kukeslala I haven't slept with anybody else for over two years, and had all tests done when I was pregnant so it didn't come from me."

Thatisall · 26/01/2014 19:10

Fwiw I had tests done when I was pregnant (early contractions) and later when I found out that my cheating xp had given me chlamydia I tried to ascertain whether or not chlamydia was one of the things tested for. The hosp said sometimes they do sometimes they don't and that they only had record of the results of a test for group b strep.

I hadn't had sex without a conform with anyone other than him and potentially had chlamydia for 3 years or as little as 3 months as he could never quite tell me how long or frequent his infra regions were. Unless you have a test in your hands saying that you didn't have chlamydia two years ago then maybe you did?
Equally and I'm sorry to say this, if you accept that lifestyle ie splitting up, sleeping with others, getting back together....then this may happen. Every time you got back with him you were essentially sleeping with a stranger.

I understand your upset, really I do. I can't have children now as a result of my infection. But there's a wider issue and it's your relationship.

Thatisall · 26/01/2014 19:11

So many typos sorry. Infra regions= indiscretions and co forms =condoms

Owllady · 26/01/2014 19:15

Why are leaving your young son alone with someone you don't know very well and don't trust?:(