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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be angry at DP for giving me chlamydia?

165 replies

MrsDrRanj · 25/01/2014 17:13

I have been seeing DP for around a year now but it's been very off and on, and on the times when it's been off I knew he had been sleeping with other people.

We're together seriously now and on Monday morning he went to the sexual health clinic, and rang me to say he has chlamydia, said he felt really bad etc. He watched DS for me so I could go down to get treated that same day as I wanted to get it sorted ASAP.

Of course I'm upset that it happened, it's a horrible feeling. And him being with other girls upset me but that's something we worked through. I knew he had been with other people when I slept with him so I am also responsible.

My friends and mums reaction have all been angry towards him, and shock that I'm not angry too. The general consensus is that I'm being a bit of a mug.

AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDrRanj · 25/01/2014 20:09

But thanks to everyone that answered the question I was actually asking :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDrRanj · 25/01/2014 20:10

And yes, I made sure we have a large collection of condoms for if I ever feel like having sex again

OP posts:
nkf · 25/01/2014 20:12

I'd see it as a bit of a wake up call.

dreamingbohemian · 25/01/2014 20:20

I don't think you should be angry, no. I'm not sure why people are being all pitchforky -- no one has lied to anyone, or cheated on anyone. You've both been very foolish and should consider yourself lucky but it sounds like you know that now.

I have to say it doesn't sound great to have broken up so many times in only one year but that's probably another thread right Smile

MistressDeeCee · 25/01/2014 20:25

OP - you are angry with him. Youre just doing it in a passive-aggressive way as you wont face up to him, and what he's done. Youve managed to tell your mum & friends that he's given you an STD Shock & no doubt, he's fully aware of their knowledge and their anger. Youre going to sit back and watch that play out in front of you. Feed off their anger that you cant express to him yourself. & now, youre on an internet board wanting angry comments against him too. Perhaps all that will make you feel better, but only for a time. Its you that has to live with him after all; not your mum, or your friends, or anyone on here. All I can see is, I wish you luck...and good health.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 25/01/2014 20:32

I would be annoyed with myself but no, if he's been honest, I wouldn't be angry with him.

greenfolder · 25/01/2014 20:35

You are right to take equal responsibilty. Don't get the need to share with your mum and friends. How does he feel about you sharing his sexual health info in this way?

MyPrettyToes · 25/01/2014 20:36

The OP is so depressing. Is it any wonder the cases of STIs are on the increase?

Look at these 2012 stats for HIV in the UK:
Over 21,500 people in the UK are living with HIV and do not know it.

48% of those receiving HIV treatment contracted it through heterosexual relationships.

There were 6390 new HIV diagnoses

The above stats are just for HIV, goodness know what the rate of undiagnosed infection are for the other STIs.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 25/01/2014 21:08

Ck

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 21:26

I think people might be giving you a harder time than you deserve OP

Maybe it's because you describe him as your 'DP', whereas he's really your on/off boyfriend.

DP probably means different things to different people, but to me it means 'Husband' without the marriage certificate, or at least a very solid relationship.

sykadelic15 · 25/01/2014 21:28

You asked if you are BU for not being angry with him, and my answer is yes. Yes YABU to not feel anger towards him for having unprotected sex with other people which not only risked YOUR health, but his own and the health of other people he was around.

Yes it was "only" chlamydia but it could have been MUCH worse. It's also not really about the STI, it's about his utter stupidity at having unprotected sex with other people AND with you without first getting himself tested.

Is it your "fault" for having unprotected sex with him without first insisting he get tested? Sure you share some of the blame, but to stick with your original question, yes you should feel anger towards him for not caring more about you and your health.

LadyMaryofDownton · 25/01/2014 21:45

I don't normally speak so frankly but you clearly need a wake up call.

You are an idiot for many reasons, LTB & get some self respect.

splasheeny · 25/01/2014 22:44

So many questions:

Why don't you use a condom?

Are you sure he gave it to you and not the other way around?

Why are you telling everyone about your std?

Are you going to look after your sexual health now?

AlexVause · 25/01/2014 23:01

splashsheeny OP has answered some of those questions already.

randomAXEofkindness · 25/01/2014 23:06

"But surely it's not solely his responsibility? The women he slept with hold 50% of that responsibility."

No, everyone is 100% responsible for their own actions.

I can understand why your loved ones are upset op. Maybe it would be fairer for your mum to be angry with both of you, not just him. But she loves you, she isn't impartial, and it is easier to focus her anger at your boyf. I don't think she's being unreasonable being angry at him (or you) for being so irresponsible with your health though.

So, if 'being a mug' means you have been cheated by him, I don't think you are being. If 'being a mug' means being a general idiot, then on this issue, you have been.

MistressDeeCee · 25/01/2014 23:56

Im sitting here wondering if as a grown woman Id go to my mum & tell her a boyfriend had given me an STD. & also share that info with my friends. For what, exactly? Esp if Im to remain in relationship with said man & all will see us together anyway. Perhaps Im old fashioned...

Famzilla · 26/01/2014 00:00

The fact that you're still laughing makes me think you'd be more suited to Jeremy Kyle.

TheBigJessie · 26/01/2014 02:26

I take it none of you have ever had a one night stand or anything of the sort. I'm an awful person clearly

I think we just use condoms and discuss sexual health.

Look, don't do the I'm so sorry for being an awful person act in return to criticism. I know that this thread has probably been hard to hear, as people are speaking to you from a completely different viewpoint than the one you started with.

You can't be blasé and trusting with your sexual health. You simply trusted your on/off boyfriend to be using condoms when he wasn't with you. Why? Why did you think he used condoms, when you evidently weren't using them together. You need to work out why you gave him such a level of trust without discussion.

Having sex is fun and nice. Nothing wrong with that. But sexual activity should be responsible, protected and with consenting persons, who are informed about any relevant background. Your boyfriend didn't inform you, and you didn't ask to be informed.

You are entitled to protect your health!

JapaneseMargaret · 26/01/2014 02:36

How did you think this thread was going to go, OP?

Your Mum told you you were a mug, and cleary a lot of other people share that opinion. You didn't have to tell her, you didn't have to tell your friends, and you certainly didn't have to tell the wider, internet-reading public. But you did, and now you're getting the opinions you sought. Unfortnately most of them agree with your Mum.

I'd be gutted if my DD was in this situation. And yes, I'd be telling her she was a mug, and she should be treating herself better.

I'd also be thinking a lot, lot less of her 'D'P, though I'd no doubt be trying to keep that opinion to myself. Hmm

Interesting, isn't it, in these 'on-off' relationships, that when it's 'off' the bloke wastes absolutely no time shagging around, while the woman tends not to have such virulently priapic needs....

JingJangro · 26/01/2014 02:46

Op, Without doing a search under your name, I'm sure I've read previous posts by you about your "DP" dramas.

Can't understand why you have anything to do with him.

Mishmashfamily · 26/01/2014 02:57

I don think you are taking this seriously hence the 'lol' after your posts.

I think you may have felt differently if it was genital warts or HIV or something you can't get rid of.

Hopefully your your tubes haven't been ravaged by the STI

I couldn't be with a man that had such blatant disregard for his or my health.

You both deserve each othet

WallyBantersJunkBox · 26/01/2014 03:19

Yes I'd be angry with a partner if they were having unprotected irresponsible sex before me.

I'd be angry if my best friend told me he had unprotected sex.

I'd be angry with myself for being irresponsible too.

It won't get you anywhere though.

You're not out of the woods yet. My friend had to be treated 3 times. And you have to trust that someone who can't even be arsed to slip a condom on is responsible enough to finish a course of medication, and not contaminate you again.

If I were you, I'd book a few more tests into your diary for the coming year. And listen out for the CSA potentially chasing up the baby father.

Will you be angry about that, OP?

tiredoldmum · 26/01/2014 03:42

OP I'm not sure why you even asked the question.

Morloth · 26/01/2014 03:51

I think your standards are way too low.

BOFtastic · 26/01/2014 04:07

I think you should value yourself a bit more. Going by your thread earlier this month, you are on fantasy island to call this person your DP, and it actually sounds like he is just the last in a long line of men to treat you abusively Sad.

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