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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

435 replies

Dollslikeyouandme · 22/01/2014 20:13

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 22/01/2014 21:52

Ha ha - repeated the welcome thing. I hope you're getting the message, OP. This isn't good for your dc to see either.

EvaTheOptimist · 22/01/2014 22:02

He makes you feel like you're in the wrong.

That's not fair on you OP.

If you do end the relationship you can feel like you're in the right, for ever more!

WitchWay · 22/01/2014 22:03

He sounds like my husband Sad

NorksAreMessy · 22/01/2014 22:05

How can we help you change this daft Situation?

justmyview · 22/01/2014 22:25

I think therapists would advise that instead of saying "you need to do ............. or we're finished", it's better if you say "I'm thinking my position and I'm not sure I want to stay in a relationship with someone who ..........."

That way, you're not pressuring him to change (which could cause resentment) but if he wants to keep you, then he knows what he has to do (ie it's his choice, his control)

justmyview · 22/01/2014 22:26

and another way to look at it is - if someone treated you like that on your first date, would you go back to see them again? If not, why is it acceptable just because you've been together for longer?

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 22/01/2014 22:33

Just like when I pull him up on things he'll say that I'm not being very nice to him.

I don't mean to be a doormat I'm trying to be helpful by thinking he's had a long day at work, if I'm totally honest with myself i probably cook fir him to try to keep him happy as he's so damn moody after work, I'm not very self assured so I question myself on everything and what I should be doing. What is the right thing to do.

Don't really know what to think from here other than I should probably end things.

One thing I will definitely not be doing now though is flapping over his mealtimes, I will just sort myself and ds out and if he can't be bothered to communicate with me he can live on chips, and I won't feel guilty over it.

OP posts:
maras2 · 22/01/2014 22:55

OP why are you not listening.Every single poster has advised you to dump this lazy, rude part time cocklodger and you whitter on about not cooking and him living on chips.Read all of your previous posts about his shitty behaviour toward your DS and his on line infidelity then think on.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 22/01/2014 23:09

Ok, stop flapping over his meals. Stop wasting food, if he can't confirm he'll be there to eat it, don't make it.

And stop with the washing. Why on earth would you do laundry for someone who doesn't live with you?

If you're struggling for reasons, just say No I can't afford it. Full stop end of discussion. Stick to your guns.

flyingspaghettimonster · 22/01/2014 23:09

If he brigs his stuff back why are you letting him in?? If he had a key and is just bringing his stuff back, get the locks changed! Don't answer the door! This man is a waste of life.

Mellowandfruitful · 22/01/2014 23:44

maras2 I totally agree (though I haven't read the previous threads) but by the fact the OP has posted this thread tonight, she doesn't seem ready to go straight to breaking up at this exact point. So I think realistically the OP needs to build herself up to that and to gain strength by acting on her emerging feelings and starting to question the behaviour of her bf so that she can see clearly for herself his desire to manipulate her into guilt for no reason. (Sorry for talking about you in the 3rd person, OP.)

I hope the 'not answering the door' phase won't be too far away, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

aquashiv · 22/01/2014 23:49

Do you see a long term relationship with this looser man?

TheCatThatSmiled · 23/01/2014 00:06

Tell him that from now on he can't:
Come round very night . You need some time out.
That you are not cooking his tea, if he does come round eat first.
He cannot cook at your house.
He washes his own clothes. On his own house.

You are not his mother. He is not a child. He does not support you financially, I'm guessing there is not partnership or quid pro quo.

So he can have your company. But that's it. The rest of it is his own responsibility. Stop letting him manipulate you.

I'm betting his response to the above will speak columns!

Scuttlebutter · 23/01/2014 00:23

He makes you feel bad. Sad This is not what decent human beings, and decent men do. What decent men do is think about how they can make their partners happy. Sometimes that will be beans on toast together - sometimes he will take you out for a meal but whatever it is a decent man will be thinking about you being happy - he will respect you, and treat you with consideration and love.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 23/01/2014 06:43

You are all right of course I think I'm just so used to all his behaviours that they aren't as shocking to me as they are to others. So I just need to get my head in a place where I say enough is enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 23/01/2014 06:47

And I'm just far too soft as if I say I've had enough he ends up saying sorry and that things will change, which they do for a little while, but I'm crap at standing my ground over anything.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 23/01/2014 06:54

What things has he promised to do in the past and now wriggled out of? It's difficult to see what you're getting out of this relationship.

NorksAreMessy · 23/01/2014 06:55

Aha, but that is what we are for, to help you to stand your ground.
What are you afraid of? We can help with that.

Can you start one thing at a time? Maybe not change everything all at once and then slip back again, but slowly introduce new ways of behaving and mean it and stick to it.

Is it a lack of confidence? Worry that you will lose him? Afraid of an argument? Think you are less important than him?

Talk to us

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/01/2014 07:03

Dear me. OP, what on earth are you playing at?

Either you are secretly enjoying this charade or you need to actually get all his stuff together, have it in a bin bag outside the door and start having some fucking pride in your life by telling him to fuck off to the furthest side of fuck and never fucking grace your house with his fuckwittery again.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 23/01/2014 07:03

Zillion, things like moving in, it's always happening 'in a few weeks', promising to stop telling lies, then I find out he's lied about something really stupid, promising to stop letting me down at the last minute. All sorts really.

I think the things I am afraid if are being lonely, not having the confidence to do things alone or just me and ds, so feeling dependant on him, missing the good times, worrying he'll meet someone else and treat her better than me.

Not reasons to stay I'm sure.

OP posts:
JupiterGentlefly · 23/01/2014 07:10

I am glad he hasn't moved in! You've been lucky in that respect!

NorksAreMessy · 23/01/2014 07:11

Aha! The fear of being alone...it's a bugger isn't it.
What are you afraid about being alone? Let's have a little go at unpicking that one first.
Money?sex?companionship?status?loneliness? (not necessarily in that order?)

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 23/01/2014 07:14

Probably all of the above norks, what you've got to remember is I KNOW he's taking the piss, but we do have the good times iyswim?

I am also afraid of being driven slowly insane by his behaviour towards me though.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 23/01/2014 07:15

You are not responsible for his bad behaviour. You won't be able to change it either. Only he can do that.

The only thing you can do is be responsible for your own behaviour and how you respond to his behaviour. You can carry on in the same pattern or you can change the pattern by changing your behaviour. It isn't easy but you do have choices.

If you were my friend or DD I'd be strongly advising you to ditch him because his behaviour is selfish and disrespectful and it will only get worse.

LindyHemming · 23/01/2014 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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