Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

Would you accept this from one of your friends? Thought not. Very rude, sorry. If you invite someone for dinner, they should let you know if they 're able to come & should attend on time

Hope you are ok op.

No he has his own house although he is still pampered by his mum.

Yes unfortunately I do do a lot of his washing.

Sorry if I've not replied I'm a bit slow on my phone.

Of course he has good points and does do some nice things.

Ultimately I'm thinking it's mostly a crap relationship though and I'm jumping through hoops a lot to try to keep him happy.

After 5 years yourll still live apart, is it a serious relationship or are yourll just floating along ?

Jumping through hoops - just how this entitled son of a bitch likes it.

Right...enough rancour for now. What do YOU want to do about this OP?

Oh love, it's not your job to service this asshat
He's totally taking advantage of you, and in an insidiously nasty way.
You know this has to stop, right?

I'm being serious. What do YOU want out of a relationship? To cook and wash, and be patted on the head for being a good little woman like his mum? Or something else?

You're just a mother substitute with the benefits of a shag occasionally. Sorry, but that's about it, isn't it? He likes being waited on hand and foot and expects the women in his life to get on with it and like nothing better than hanging around to serve him.

Thank your lucky stars he didn't move in. Gather his stuff, present him with a bin liner with it all in and take his key. Change the locks.

Justmyview, no I wouldn't accept it from a friend, I was having this conversation earlier you see, I asked him this morning if he was definitely coming over as I took some fish out if the freezer, he said he was. I rang him at 5.30 as wanted to know whether to do two lots of potatoes, he decides he's not coming. He thinks that this is perfectly reasonable. Of course the person I was speaking to today was saying that I shouldn't have to be chasing him over what time. He should let me know as any decent person would.

The comments are things like, if I ask him for a hand with something he will say 'does your mum make your dad do this'? Or say his dad never had to do that.

Coffee, the relationship is supposed to be serious, 'circumstances/excuses' have prevented us from living together but it's all just a load of bull in my opinion.

However if I was to say to him now I want to end things, ask him to collect his things he wouldn't listen.

Probably to end it Pictish. Of course I'm not happy but I get caught up in doing what I've always done.

It sounds daft but I don't know he has a knack of making me feel in the wrong.

All of his behaviour in unacceptable. If you are a partnership you share responsibility for chores and finances and you treated each other with respect.

Do you think this is acceptable behaviour? I suspect you don't as otherwise you would not be posting on here.

I think you need to think carefully about how you will allow others to treat you and the kind of example you want to set for your child.

Yes...he's a manipulative git isn't he? Turning everything round so it's all somehow your fault and your responsibility to put right huh?

He will listen if you mean it. He sounds awful

Just do what an earlier poster said.
Gather up his crap in a bin bag, deposit it with his mum, text him bye bye, change your number and call the Police if he becomes a nuisance.

Some replies for you:

'Well, you're not your dad and I'm not your mum. We are allowed to do things differently to the previous generation. In fact I'd like to'. (for 'My dad never...')

'What's that got to do with it?' (for 'does your mum...')

And don't even ask about whether you should include him in meals now. Again, if he comments say 'well, it's hard to cater when I don't know whether you'll be here or what time, so it's easier if you get something yourself and you've got more freedom that way'. Keep pushing the idea that you are all in favour of him 'having more freedom', rather than tying him down. The thought that you want to keep things going is what allows him to continue to exert power over you. Once you stop caring, that power will be gone. And I am convinced this is what you're now moving towards - I hope it's sooner rather than later.,,

Some more replies for you:

Fuck off.
There's the door.
You've taken the piss out of me for long enough - give me my key back.
There's your stuff...don't come back.

I can think of more....

I'd say that he can come when he wants but you won't be providing a meal. The cafe is closed.

you are getting nothing from this relationship are you? do you want your kids growing up with this warped view of male female roles? he is living in the past decade and you are letting him walk all over you. get some pride woman and live your life for you and your kids. He does not deserve you, find yourself someone on an equal relationship basis cos this ain't a relationship. change your locks, tell him you don't want to be with him, tell him why and give him a timescale to collect his stuff or else you will get rid of it and stay strong.

I like "I couldn't give a toss what your parents did, oh, and by the way, bah-bye"

Op this guy sounds familiar have you posted about him before?

FFs

Read wifework or something. Woman up. Please.

You have painted 'welcome' on your head and laid down.

Keep saying to yourself 'possession of a penis does not mean you never have to cook, clean or take fucking responsibility.'

OP I'm guessing you feel like if you end it with me then you will be the 'bad guy' and he will be the one who is badly done to? A horrible feeling that you'll avoid at all costs? He emotionally manipulating you so he can have the perks of a relationship with none of the work, for that to work he has had to manipulate you into thinking you owe him something. Don't feel bad, loads of people end up in this situation with me being one of them.

Being without him might seem daunting, as I'm sure he's made you think you rely on him to be happy, but life without him will be so much better. Don't think you're not worth the effort, it's him who isn't worth the effort. Relationships shouldn't be this much hard work!

Is anyone else intrigued to know what awful things have happened in this poor woman's life to think she deserves no better than this?

OP, LTB...or get 'WELCOME' tattooed on your chest and let him continue to walk all over you.

What a prize wanker.