Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

[Balistapus]

The more time you have away from him/ communication with him, the stronger you will be. I know how you feel, like when a cat plays with a toy, except you are the toy. It is very, very hard to be strong when someone manipulates you like this. Your being made to think that if you actually do end it now that you are a shit because he was trying to work it out. In reality he isn't, he's just trying to get control of the situation.

Remember that the way you feel is part of the abuse. If you love someone you wouldn't manipulate their feelings to feel the way you do.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I know it seems so black and white, bin him easy. I don't know why for me it's not so easy.

I've been reading some of the links one on trauma bonding. This does sound like me, also the cycle of abuse there is a cycle, a pattern to his behaviour.

I want to say I'll end it for good but in the reality he's plays me and in all different ways, either being really, really nice or very nasty. He lies about a lot of things and I start to doubt myself I feel I'm going crazy, paranoid.

This probably sounds so stupid but I can't shake the feeling he's from a nice seemingly functional family, I'm not so I must be the one in the wrong.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Something's just come to mind also.

I think I keep giving things one last go. I keep intending to end things, probably have been for a long time. But then I miss the nice times, think one more try won't hurt. Things are great for a while, then they go bad again, but I'm still thinking it was getting better, it's just a blip, and it's one more try, see how the weekend goes, which turns into a week.

[Only1scoop]

Well even if you don't feel up to ending things yet....don't take the next step and let him move in.
I think it would be a bad move.

[giraffecrossing]

But one more try WILL hurt. His behaviour is hurtful. You have been trying to make it work for 5 years. Why would it be any different this time? Hopefully you will end this relationship one day, and once you are over the initial heartache you will wonder why you didn't do if sooner. You could make it be this time! What are you actually getting out of this relationship? I know I'd rather be single that put up with such shit.
Be strong and take care of yourself.

[MinkBernardLundy]

Endings are difficult because they seem so finding. the future seems uncertain. but it can be better.

Check out the EA thread.
Keep among yourself with knowledge.
Read Lundy Bancroft until you can see clearly what he is and what he does and why he does it.

Build yourself a path to a better life. one step at a time.
One tiny step after another all the way into a new life.

Also check out the FP.

There is help out there to get you through. You can do it. when you are ready.

[Monty27]

You'll feel great about yourself if you tell this jerk where to go. Please do it. You didn't make your dad do what he did, you haven't made jerkie behave the way he does.

You sound absolutely lovely.

[SavoyCabbage]

You do sound lovely.

One more try will hurt because he is a right twat who doesn't treat you well. There are lots of people in this world who are kind and caring and funny. And that's who you should be sharing your life with.

[SlimJiminy]

OP I really think the suggestion of going back over your posts on this thread is a good suggestion. Look at everything you've told us. You've talked about what he says/thinks/wants, etc (possibly even more so than what you say/think/feel, etc) but have a long, hard think about what hundreds of strangers are telling you: this man is abusing you.

If nothing else, think about how growing up watching his mum being treated like this will affect your DS. Do you want him to think this is what normal couples are like? Or look at other families and wish his was like theirs?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I've been wondering if there's a way that I can emotionally start to detach myself.

I could end things now, but I don't trust myself not to go back when certain things are said/happen. And I've begun to feel hopeless.

I'm thinking I could perhaps slowly start to take myself mentally away from him.

[TalisaMaegyr]

I don't understand what it is that he says/does that makes you go back

[JackNoneReacher]

Wow, just read the whole thread.

What a horrible man.

This man treats you like dirt, then tells you you're lucky to have him. Blames you for everything from his weight to the fact that you were threatened by some drunks years ago. Obviously you are responsible for neither.

If one of my daughters was with a man like him I'd be devastated. Don't let your son think this is how people treat each other. Honestly, partners/friends/family don't behave like this towards each other and if he loved and respected you he wouldn't.

Block his number, don't open the door, don't have him back.

[Littlegreyauditor]

I'm thinking I could perhaps slowly start to take myself mentally away from him

Cognitive behavioural therapy could help you get out of the trap of repeating old behaviours, and allow you to do just that.

[CSIJanner]

Dolls - I've just read the entire thread. You are lovely, you know, and despite your self esteem issues, you are defiantly worth a lot more than this guy. How is your son in all of this? Remember, for your DS, this has been his male role model for 5 years. Is that the type of man you want your son to grow to be? I think you're sweet and looking for the best in people, so I know what your answer is going to be to that.
Hi Jess

I have one medium and one large available. The medium they day is for up to 1 year but my little girls was still in it at 19months. Are those any good? I'm about tomorrow morning so can deliver for you if that makes life easier?
This man only thinks of himself, making himself feel better by belittling others. Why should anyone be on eggshells because of mood swings? A life in fear is a life half lived.

You said that you've been thinking about splitting but then think of the good times, ready to give it one last shot. That's what he's banking on - he'll refuse to talk about words or actions plus their effects. He'll probably be in his best behaviour for a couple of weeks I make you doubt yourself and feel grateful you're back together. But then that vicious cycle of abuse comes in again as unfortunately he will probably revert to type. His family wanted to meet you - he's fought it each time. Can you really say that either if you see a future in this relationship? Has he even collected his stuff yet? Deadlines passed now

The thing is, if you do give him one more chance, you're not giving yourself or your son one more chance. And there probably is that wonderful person out there for you. But until your unhindered by your ex, you won't be able to build your own self esteem up and find out for yourself. Stay strong and try to stop doubting yourself - his abusive words are the last ditch to try and control you again. You know you're better than his opinion

[CSIJanner]

*pleas excuse the eBay message halfway through (am JJ tiny phone with big ham fingers). I meant the rest of it though

[MinkBernardLundy]

dolls i think there are various techniques to detach including:

when he is ranting at you, trying to imagine yourself standing outside the situation watching the interaction,

imagining a scrolling sign on his forehead saying 'this is not true, i am talking BS' or something similar

thinking of a theme tune for his ranting and listening to that in your head.

These are just af ew I ahve headr suggested on the EA thread- which would in fact be an excellent place to post that question as I am sure the many wise heads there could come up with more and better answers.

also reading up about abuse- the more you know the more you recognise. Read Lundy. plus there are some links at the top of the EA thread on disengaging. Baggage reclaim etc.

I think this may be the right approach for you though. To make proper and thorough preparations to make this time the last time and the future one of your own choosing. Leaving is a process as much as a decision. (on the EA thread you will also find many who are or have been through the same process in their own time so there will be a lot of undertanding as to why LTB is not an instant thing)

Good luck

[Inertia]

I think that if you can't read or respond to his messages then that will help enormously- you were holding firm until you started to engage with him.

The first step would be to block his number on your phone so that you have no idea if he's attempted to contact you, and send all his emails straight to spam. If he comes to your house don't open the door under any circumstances, and be aware that you can call the police if he is threatening or harassing you and refuses to go away.

You won't be able to detach while you are still engaged in contact.

[EirikurNoromaour]

He's got you back by being an utter cunt to you
I can barely understand this.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

It isn't that he's got me back by being so vile.

Ok the only way I can explain it is like highs and lows. He can be really, really lovely and nice. We can have the best times, the best laughs, then for seemingly no reason or for a very small thing he can turn very nasty, uncaring, vile and you end up thinking it must be something you've done because he was so nice two days ago. Or you convince yourself the nasty isn't really him, it's him having a bad day/week. He also lies a lot but in a way I can't really prove he's lying, I've posted about it before. So I don't know if I'm coming or going. So I end up chasing after the highs.

When someone's quite horrible to you at first, and then they be overly nice to make up for it you can just feel relieved. Obviously sense would be to say you know what you're treating me like crap go away. But it becomes when you keep letting them do it. You're almost allowing him to regulate my happiness.

I'm not making much sense.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

I'm also finding this thread hard to bear and I can walk away from it and not have to hear any of it. That's just frustration and concern talking Dolls

Please remember that no one here thinks it's going to be easy for you, but everyone wants your happiness and is willing to be a shoulder and try to help if they can.

Please think about two things.

This highs and lows thing and how he can be wonderful towards you (when he feels like it) and then be the polar opposite while at the same time blaming you for his behaviour - think of if I told you that you and your DS have to live now alternately eating good meals every day, and then starving. Would you sign up for that kind of life for you both if you could live a life of comfort?

Secondly, if you observed someone you care about having a relationship like this, how would you feel? what would you want them to do?

I'm so worried that you'll keep putting up with him and he's only going to drag you down and down and down

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

I have had this- it was great to be honest but never lasted more than a weekend- i just provided credit card details upon booking and made sure i checked out before 11am.

Oh wait, you mean you arent a hotelier and this guy is getting all of it for free? Weird. Where did you last see your self respect?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Dolls I strongly suspect that the things that you feel are 'the best times, the best laughs' are what most of us would consider normality. But because he is so vile to you, and puts you down so badly - the better moments probably feel like sunshine from heaven.

What strikes me is that you somehow feel that you need his agreement to end the 'relationship', and yes I am putting commas around that.
He is never, ever, going to say 'Dolls you know what I am a lying, bullying arsehole, you're right. I shall do the right thing and leave you alone'. That is not going to happen.

The person I feel for most in all of this is your son. He deserves a happy and stable home, and a happy and stable mother. He has neither of those things at the moment, and they are only in your power to provide, no-one else's.

[newsecretidentity]

It's ok, OP. If you're not ready, you're not ready. And if you take the suggestions and head over to the EA thread linked above, you'll find that plenty of other women are in your situation. Hang in there, build your strength and you'll end it when you can.

[AcrossthePond55]

As far as the idea of 'detaching slowly', would you rather have a limb amputated bit by bit and endure weeks of pain before you can begin to heal or have it removed in one fell swoop and be able to start the healing process right away?

He is not worthy of you. You seem to be a lovely person who deserves a partner who will treat you as an equal. Not some sodding p who treats you like a convenience.

[HazleNutt]

listen to alibaba. I have a nice DH, he's nice and lovely all the time. Nice people are.

But from a previous relationship, I also know what it feels like to creep around on eggshells, as otherwise you might do something to upset the man. Because of course it's your fault. You simply cannot do anything right and keep upsetting him.

It's an exhausting way to live. And I didn't even see that, thought my abuser was the love of my life - just that I could not treat him right. If I would only be a little more of this and little less of that, he would be lovely all the time. Sounds familiar? They won't, though. Evil people won't be nice.