Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

[thedogwakesuptoodamnearly]

dolls, I think without him in your life you would feel a lot more confident.

You are describing an emotionally abusive relationship - he is making you feel responsible for his happiness.

He is forcing you to cook for him by being moody and unpleasant if you don't.


How about, instead of worrying that he'll meet someone else, you could try thinking that you meet someone else who treats you like a real partner - cooks for you sometimes, does your washing no pw and then, helps with jobs around the house?

[thedogwakesuptoodamnearly]

...and does things that make you happy?

[princessalbert]

I don't think you will change him or that he will mend his ways. In fact, he'll no doubt get worse.

I would end it. Trust me, I have had some shit boyfriends in the past, but I wouldn't have put up with 5 years of this.

Dump him - live man free for a while. Then have a look for a partner who can share and pull their weight.

[BranchingOut]

The thing is, he is taking up the space that could be filled by someone wonderful.

[merrymouse]

As scary as alone might be, isn't it more scary to imagine the rest of your life with this man, things never changing, you always wondering whether he will actually turn up, your son seeing you being treated like a doormat, having to live according to the feelings and opinions of a twat, for no better reason than that he expresses them and you can't get your brain out of automatic "be nice" mode.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

You said you have friends. You have a DC. You will not be "alone." You will be "on your own." That is completely different. "On your own" means able to make your own decisions to your own timetable. For example, having tea when it suits your schedule, not holding off because you're worried that someone's going to rock in just after you've eaten wondering where his tea is.

He won't collect his own things if we break up but that's another story. I dropped them round to him once and he bought them all back.

This baffles me. I gather that he has a key? Very simple. Change the locks. Do NOT give him a key. Take his things, put them in a box and either return them to his mummy or drop them off on his doorstep. Then go home, ring him and tell him it's over, and do NOT let him in.

Done.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

And being on your own is soooo much better than being with someone who treats you like shit.

[MrsKCastle]

OP I can understand that you're scared of change, scared of being on your own. But honestly, aren't you more scared of just seeing your life slip away as you continue to serve this useless man? Can you see yourself in 5 or 10 years, still waiting for him to move in, still trying to keep him happy because his work makes him moody? What a chilling vision.

Go out tomorrow and change the locks. Pack his stuff up, dump it on his doorstep. Text him to let him know it's over, and don't let him back in the house. Ever. If you think he might kick off, ask a friend to come over the first evening.

[Longdistance]

You have wasted far too much time with this cocklodger. Do yourself a favour, get some black bags, and boxes, and pack his shit up.

When he arrives tonight, if he asks what for dinner, tell him it's dog shit on toast, and throw his crap at him, slamming the door behind him.

Nothing like a lightbulb moment.

[MellowAutumn]

Don't waste food on him and don't waste your life on him -

As branching said - he is taking up the space that could be filled by someone wonderful

And don't go for a half way house - this is not a few things that need to be sorted or a few boundaries that need adjusting.

He will not change and I don't think you will either till you kick his arse into touch.

I can't see that a half way house will help you at all - you need an extermination policy with this guy - a complete break so you can heal and get you gitradar realigned.

[BakerStreetSaxRift]

Dolls, I know your previous threads, I think you're slowly coming round to the idea that this is not, in any way, a good relationship. This man has no respect for you, has no interes in being a team with you, and is so self absorbed it's scary. This won't ever change.

You will feel better once you have cut him loose. There are a million better people out there. I actually read your lists of things he has done with my jaw hanging.

You have a lovely home, a lovely son, a good set up with your own life working around your DS. This selfish, manipulative man adds nothing that you couldn't easily find somewhere else (in time) but without all the shit.



The people on the Relationships board can support you through the first scary bit.

[MidniteScribbler]

The only reason he has you cooking and washing for him is because his mummy finally grew a pair and said no. Take a leaf out of her book.

[Onefewernow]

" but we do have the good times". So? You can have a good times with anyone sometimes.

You also have many bad times.

The key issue here is whether you are ready to decide you deserve better. If you know he treats you badly often and you won't end it because sometimes he doesn't, really nobody else can help.

There isn't a third option - that you can change him magically into what you want. Too many people mistakenly believe that there is.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

That was really kind bakerstreet.

I kind of know it must be awful to be getting this kind of reaction, especially in aibu.. And I know I'm on edge all the time, I feel as though I'm sort of hopping around hoping he will become nicer, and trying not to rock the boat. Then I have a moment where I think hang on, what am I doing here?

Like over this meal business, it honestly never occurred to me how selfish and disrespectful it is, and what a no win situation it is, then I had a bit of a moment where I thought it's just bang out of order to let me make his tea, knowing I have ds to sort out to, then make out I am unreasonable just for wanting a rough idea what time he's coming. It's a joke.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Trouble is now, he knows I'm pissed off so he will either give the silent treatment it he will send text messages making me out to be the bad guy. Even if I was to say it's over collect your things, he will ignore me or be difficult until he's ready to press reset, meaning I've suffered enough and worn down and frustrated enough to just give in.

[Only1scoop]

I havn't read any of your previous posts, but the excuses you keep making sound like you are not ready to end the relationship.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Maybe you are right but I know that things are not good and I want to do the right thing for myself so how do I make myself ready?

[ThePost]

Bag all his things up for him them, leave them on the front doorstep and text him to let him know where he can collect them. He is a complete user.

[JupiterGentlefly]

I'd like to bang you on the head and give you a bug Cwtch at the same time. I have tolerated ans accepted similar behaviours from ea men and driven myself insane questioning and shouldering all the blame for my poor behaviour (which of course was not) I don't know how I had my epiphany I think it was reading baggage reclaim, but that's when I realised the problem was him. It changed the way I felt when the barrage of messages starred. I almost found them amusing but definitely pathetic and controlling.
I hope this is your epiphany too. Good luck

[Only1scoop]

Sounds like you crave a family life with him and are just 'putting up' with him and your monotonous life together. If you carry on your dc will grow up thinking this is all normal.

[Kerosene]

At this stage, does it matter to you if he thinks you're the bad guy? He's a complete cocklodger - the occasional pub lunch doesn't pay for you being his personal short-order cook/skivvy. You know you're not the bad guy - that he's been taking advantage of you and been completely unreasonable. We know you're not the bad guy. But it's important to this kind of person that they never consider that they might be in the wrong, no matter what kind of mental pretzels they have to twist. It's important to him that he's not The Bad Guy, because then he might have to do some self-examination and realise that he's been shitty, and that would never do. His lack of self-awareness is not your problem, so don't add it to your burden.

I do think you'd be better off if you were able to make use of his blanking you. Bag up his stuff, take it to his mother's house and leave it there, so he doesn't have an excuse to come over and demand your time. Block his number and ignore his visits. You'll get better from this, and it's easier not to be lonely when you're waiting on someone else's whim.

When I was going through a similar thing, this gif gave me a good mental image I could call on when I felt obliged to someone else's unreasonable attitude. I give no bothers regarding their impotent sulking and tantrums. It can take a bit of practice, but you can do the same.

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Jesus, are you with my ex? He was exactly the same, a simple "what time will you be here" was nagging him, and when he stayed away for hours more than he'd said he would, it was because I'd "started" and he "couldn't be arsed with the shit"

• yet when I was out on a planned evening with friends/family, he was CONSTANTLY on the phone to me, I could never just go out and have a good time.

He wouldn't eat: Pork; chicken; eggs; vegetables; cheese; tomatoes; meat on the bone.
If ever I dared to make me and my dcs a meal with any of the above ingredients, he would demand "And what am I supposed to eat then?"

I think you are on the right path toward grabbing back your dignity and getting shut of this cock lodger, just keep thinking back to that: "I wouldn't accept this behaviour from a friend"
And as for comparing you to your parents - do you WANT the life they've had?!
Would your mum want you to follow her path?
It's not the 70's anymore!!

I wish, I wish, I WISH I'd had MN when I met my malignant cocklodger.
Don't go throwing good years after bad.

RUN!!!!!

All the very best to you. x

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Dolls do you want your son to grow up thinking this is how he should act towards women? Keep that in mind when you're dealing with with boyfriend.

And no he shouldn't just roll up whenever he likes with no warning and expect dinner to be on the table. You manage to work as well and be a parent to your son, if anything he should be making you dinner. But you can't change him to make him see that two adults in a relationship should both be (over time) giving equal effort to each other. And he should be being considerate and making sure you don't waste food or go to effort when he isn't going to even bother turning up. Its a basic lack of respect for you.

In theory there is nothing wrong with dinner on the table when someone walks in, I do it for DH myself most evenings. But he tells me if he's going to not be in as soon as he knows and he washes up every evening in return. There's give and take. What are you being given?

[alwaysworryingmum]

Think about what your children are learning about relationships from watching you and your boyfriend - how to behave toward others etc. Would you want your children growing up and treating/being treated the same and imagining that it is ok as they don't know any better.

This is how I forced myself to take a stand and stop putting up with the rubbish my DH thought was acceptable. I didn't want my daughter thinking women must act as servants and do all cooking, cleaning, washing as well as work FT whilst Daddy ruled as King.

[nellieellie]

This sounds very unsympathetic, but his behaviour is basically continuing because you are letting it. He will never change - because he does not have to. You are letting him behave like this. You come across as a meek, needy woman. He has found the perfect meek, needy woman with little self-esteem to let him lead his selfish, manipulative life. He does something unreasonable, you murmur protest, he acts the wounded party, you toe the line. things go on, he continues to be unreasonable, you murmur protest, he acts the wounded party, you toe the line........things go on. Meanwhile, your DC watches and, if a boy is being educated on how to be a man and keep women in line. If a girl, she is learning to be a doormat, meek and needy with little self-esteem. Or, maybe, she will see things for what they are and come to despise you for what she sees as your weakness. Don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming you for his behaviour. He alone is responsible for that and the way he treats you, but men like that always find women like you.
You have a choice, continue in your pattern of behaviour, that he has trained you into like some lapdog, or ACT on your knowledge that it is not fair or reasonable. Don't wait for him to change- he won't, why would he - he has got what he wants and you where he wants you. Don't whinge on that he won't accept it if you get rid of his stuff - as everyone has already said, ACT on it, get the locks changed - a locksmith can come out the same day you phone.
Your excuses do indicate you are not ready to leave him.
Get support from friends, counsellor - crikey get a self-help book on being assertive! Good luck,