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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

435 replies

Dollslikeyouandme · 22/01/2014 20:13

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

OP posts:
pictish · 23/01/2014 10:06

Good post nellie.

dawntigga · 23/01/2014 10:15

Dear Goddess woman, it's time to pick up your bowling ball. There's not a single post saying what you are doing is a good thing. You know it, we know it. Tell him to get with the program or ship out. You are worth more than this.

WondersIfAnyoneGetsTheReferenceTiggaxx

jay55 · 23/01/2014 10:18

Any chance you could break up with him then go away somewhere with your son for the weekend? Or week if you timed it with half term. So you're more likely to stay resolved.

At least plan some out the house activities for you and your child, turn your phone off and stop being there waiting for the inconsiderate sod.
Even if it's just visiting friends for coffee.

TheSkiingGardener · 23/01/2014 10:30

Ok, the first thing you need to do is work out why you thought that his behaviour was ok. Because if isn't and never was ok. The thing to change first is your expectations of a relationship. A good relationship is based on mutual respect and caring for each other, not one looking after the other to their own detriment.

So, change your expectations, and if he doesn't meet the minimum requirements tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and to change it or bugger off. I'm guessing he'll whine like mad, try a huge guilt trip, and then run for the hills when he understands you won't be his doormat any more.

Good luck.

MostWicked · 23/01/2014 10:32

His complete lack of courtesy around letting you know when he is coming over, is just an indicator of the value he places on you. You are not an equal to be treated with love and respect, you are staff and will fit in around his needs.

You deserve better.

pictish · 23/01/2014 10:39

Let's face it - the guy is a complete fucking disaster isn't he? He has grown up watching his passive mother play slave to his selfish dad, and his notions of what constitutes a relationship are now deeply wrong, and entrenched. He will never change, he will never wise up, he will never learn to respect women.
He's a dyed in the wool misogynist.

It's a waste of your time OP. Unless you want to be his cringing minion for the rest of your life, you may as well do the right thing by your kids, and kick his ridiculous arse to the kerb. If you don't, your kids will grow up with the same warped attitude to love as your master there has.

Don't do it to them...but most of all don't do it to yourself!

MomsStiffler · 23/01/2014 10:40

Unfortunately you're sounding like exactly the sort of woman a caveman would love. You're doing everything for him, he travels from Mum to You without noticing the difference because you're both the same!

He brings nothing to this apart from the odd "good time" which, TBH you could get from going out with mates (are you allowed to do that?).

It'll be scary at first, but changing the locks, putting his stuff outside & getting a new SIM card will be the start of a much happier life for you!

nauticant · 23/01/2014 10:42

I think the advice given by BakerStreetSaxRift is good.

OP, why don't you start a thread in Relationships in which you start with saying that you think you want to end a relationship and then discuss all (that you are comfortable with) of the things that are wrong and so that posters there can help you see with new eyes what the whole of the relationship really looks like and understand why it's not good for you.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 23/01/2014 10:45

fuck me he's on to a good thing, isn't he?

He gets waited on, fed, his chores done and a warm place to sink his cock without any of the responsibilities of family life.

Don't you feel like you are being totally used here? Get angry!

BookroomRed · 23/01/2014 10:49

Exactly what Nellie said. End this relationship for the sake of your children if not yourself. I'm fuming on your behalf even skimming the thread. Your life will be so much better without this exploitative, misogynistic knuckle dragger. You are lucky he's been dragging his heels on moving in - that would be a disaster for you!

Of course he doesn't want to - he likes life just as it is, where he has no financial or moral responsibilities for your family and household. He just has a tame woman he's brainwashed enough to do his cooking and cleaning when he deigns to show up.

You don't need to persuade him to pick up his things. Tell him it's over and leave them outside the front door. It's as easy as that. Don't postpone in the hope that you'll turn into an assertive goddess. This is the first step to making your life, and your children's lives, better. Good luck.

SlimJiminy · 23/01/2014 12:24

LTB

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 23/01/2014 12:47

Right, well, I sent him a text message. I said that he's taking the piss and that I am letting him, I said it's over and I will be leaving his stuff outside to be collected and that if he doesn't it's not my problem. And as far as I am concerned we do not need to speak or see each other again.

He sent one back saying he doesn't know what to say as he's tired of everything.

I said he doesn't need to say anything as I'm telling him how it is. I then got angry and sent one just saying not to bother with 'you said, I said' as we both know exactly what he's playing at, and he's got no morales with all the lies and letting me run in circles after him etc.

He hasn't responded, am I really justified in dumping his stuff outside later? I KNOW he won't collect it, the alternative is dropping it to him but I won't be able to do that until the weekend and will probably just upset myself going near his house.

OP posts:
Namechanger102 · 23/01/2014 12:50

You have told him what you're going to do. It's up to him whether he collects his stuff. If he doesn't collect it tonight, text him to say that the bin men are coming on ...day and if it isn't gone by then you will be giving it to the bin men.

Well done you, by the way. You've just taken your first step on the road to being happier. Thanks

WhoNickedMyName · 23/01/2014 12:57

Don't get in to text tennis with him.

Don't text him again at all... if you do, then at least admit to yourself that you're doing it for a response, but I can promise you you're never going to get the response you really want.

Why would you even consider dropping his stuff off for him?

Dump his stuff outside, it's up to him whether he collects it or not. Don't even text him to tell him the bin men are coming.

AdoraBell · 23/01/2014 13:04

Yes, you are justified. He knows where his things are, if he wants or needs them then he needs To collect them. That doesn't need To involve speaking To you, so don’t Get drawn into conversación if he tríes.

Well done.

Witchofthenorth · 23/01/2014 13:17

I am sitting here giving you a well deserved round of applause!! He knows where his stuff will be, you have told him to collect it, if he doesnt then that is his problem...you dropping it off to him is continuing the enabling!

Well done...and move away from your phone, you dont need to text him again!!

pictish · 23/01/2014 13:22

Well done OP.

You know he'll be along later to talk you round don't you?
He'll say anything to keep this situation going, because it's beneficial for him to. All of the perks, requiring none of the effort.
He will tell you he loves you more than he has ever loved anyone. He'll cry. He'll beg you to reconsider. He'll promise things will change...that he never realised how bad it was for you...that he would never hurt you...that he's sorry...so so so sorry. He'll promise to move in right away. He'll prove it to you...whatever you want...he'll do it.

He will do and say whatever he thinks it will take to keep you under his spell and his control.

Are you ready for that?
We can help you - keep posting. x

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/01/2014 13:25

Wow, OP, just wow! I did not expect that last post from you, very very well done. It can't have been easy. I am so impressed that you are standing up for yourself in this way.

Don't drop his stuff off. Put it all in a black bin liner (against the wet) and seriously leave it outside. You don't need to see him and it might make it more difficult for you. Do things that make it easy for you.

Smile Very well done indeed.

Original poster
Dollslikeyouandme · 23/01/2014 13:35

Thank you but I think that telling him it's over and even sticking his stuff out is the easy bit. Because I'm angry.

Not listening to any promises, if that's what he does, will be more difficult.

OP posts:
pictish · 23/01/2014 13:42

I agree. Being strong is one thing....staying strong is the difficult part.
Keep posting.

MrsKCastle · 23/01/2014 13:48

I'm silently cheering at my phone! Well done.

I agree with you and pictish though- the next part will be the hardest. He won't want to give up his easy life without a fight, and he has lots of practice at making you doubt yourself. Has he got a key? If so, you really should change the locks or just put a bolt on- do it today if you possibly can. Then when he comes over (and I'm sure he will) just don't answer.

If you let him in, I bet anything he will twist your words, pile on the guilt trips and end up persuading you to 'give it another go'.

laregina · 23/01/2014 13:58

Haven't read the whole thread but has anybody mentioned the term 'cock lodger' yet?

nauticant · 23/01/2014 14:01

No, you're all right, no one else thought of mentioning that term.

Sa88yt1ts · 23/01/2014 14:04

Yay! Well done you. Keep going chick.x

glasgowsteven · 23/01/2014 14:06

Tigga - Bowling ball - simpsons - when homer bought marge a bowling ball for her birthday - that he wanted - and she learned to bowl

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