Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

But being nice is part of it, particularly to start with or when he wants you back. Cos you would never have got together with him if he was an arse to begin with. It's part of the plan, like having to pay for a nice home appliance, he has to make nice to 'get' you. Once you're unpacked from the box, and his property, he can treat you how he wants, and he does.

The nice stuff is only there to hook you in. It isn't who he really is. The person who wants you waiting on him hand and foot is the real him, and why he gets so angry when you don't comply.

Oh, Dolls, it does make sense. When they start being a bit nice, the relief is immense and it's so easy to brush the nastiness under the carpet and cling to the niceness.

But it isn't real. When he's being nice to you, it isn't because he loves you or even likes you. He's doing it make you do what he wants-- forget his shit attitude and act like nothing has happened.

The niceness is a method of control, just as much as the sulks and strops and making you feel you're crazy. And it is just as cold and calculating as the nastiness.

He WILL up his game when you try to end it, because he feels that you are slipping out of his control. How Dare You? Be strong now. The end bit is the worst, but it's nearly over. Think how nice it will be to enjoy your evenings with your son, never having to worry about when this fuckwit will turn up and cast his shadows over the nice time you were having.

Of course he's nice sometimes. Who would be with someone who was never nice. It's the worst part of people like this - it's the reason you keep giving it another chance, because there is always that glimmer of hope. But that's all it is, a mere glimmer. To make the nice work to its full effect there has to be more nasty to make you so grateful for the scraps of nice. And i bet the nice isn't even that nice. Just normal couple behaviour that most people get all the time without all the nasty shite too.

Relationships shouldn't be carrot and stick. Just mutual love and respect.

Honestly, I used to think it was perfectly normal for a partner to be nasty if his favourite shit football team had a bad game. I convinced myself to stick around for the good stuff because I couldn't see how bad the bad stuff was - or how often it happened (so I worried/checked the score at least weekly to gauge my boyfriend's mood ahead of seeing him).

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who's just generally amazing? Where you know what time he's coming round because he texts you to tell you he'll be there at 6 - and he can't wait to see you. Where there's no need to keep up in your stupid shoes when your feet are hurting because he's holding your hand and walking beside you. Don't shrug it off because you can have that.

Re-read your OP. He's making your life a misery. He wants all the control, so he leaves you wondering what time he'll rock up for his tea - that's if he bothers to make an appearance. And we know it doesn't stop there. He's a fucking wankbadger in the greatest sense of the word op and he'll never change.

of course he is nice sometimes and it makes perfect sense. He's a textbook abuser. Does something else sound familiar from here?
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Also look up traumatic bonding.
That is when someone is horrible to you but they are also the only person there to make you feel better after what they have done to you. but you wouldn't need to feel better if they had not already been horrible to you.

He is doing the lot. gaslighting. abuse cycle. blaming you for his issues.

It is really difficult to escape from the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that abusers create but You can.

If you need additional support please come to the EA thread. Read some of the links.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1963156-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-thread-28?

Abusers are like something horrible dressed in a very nice sauce. Otherwise no one would ever fall for them. But he is NOT a nice person. nice people do not treat others like this. You are not making him nasty. he IS nasty. When he is being nice he is just pretending. The nastiness is the real him.

Hello Dolls, I'm really glad you came back to the thread, thank you.

I just wanted to say the same as everyone else really, you deserve far better, and he is working really hard now to twist your reality and make you believe you need him.

You don't need him. He is harming you. Even if there are nice times, how can you trust him that they are real, and not just another 'play' to keep you submissive?

Stay with us Dolls. You can do this.

Copy or print out your own posts from the last few days about how he has behaved to you. Lying to you about his relationship with his family, telling you aren't nice and he is (just !!!) at that), finding fault no matter what you do (you're lazy but you also spend too much time cleaning...what?) Keep looking at this when you are tempted to speak to him or give in. It's a bit like an addiction at this point that you need to break - the longer you can stay out of contact with him the easier it will become. And I bet your son would be glad to see you free of him.

'Like yesterday he said his dad was taking his mum out, I looked and he said 'yes but she's nicer than you'.'.

He's horrible. He's not nice.
And what makes him even worse and even more nasty is that he knows what you suffered growing up, and he is using it and your self doubt and lack of self esteem against you.
He had a nice upbringing you say. You see, a decent man doesn't drop his dirty clothes round for years for you to wash like a good little woman, he does it himself. He invites you and your son round and cooks for you. He supports you and helps you and builds you up. He doesn't play mind games and control you and tell you what to think.

Please break away from this man and show your son that you can be strong. Look into building up your self confidence - your G.P may know of organizations you can join.
Until you value yourself and don't put up with this shit you will continue to have people like this in your life using you and making you unhappy.

When we experience emotion abuse when growing up -your Dad in your case, my Mum in mine - we don't realise that it makes us extremely vulnerable to emotionally abusive people in our adult relationships.

These people seem nice in order to hook us in - the description of something horrible dressed in a nice sauce is a very good one. Once we're emotionally involved, the mask slips and the shitty behaviour begins. "But he was so wonderful, " we think, " he IS capable of being great, it must be true what he's saying that his not being great anymore is because of something I've done." And this is where it start.... The behaviour has the same effect on us as Kryptonite has on Superman. Suddenly, we feel utterly powerless and in pain.
This will never get better, he will never change. Do not try to understand what he is doing or analyse if you are doing anything wrong. See it for the Kryptonite that it is and understand that you need to get away from him and his behaviour otherwise it will destroy you.

Dolls - look at this -

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png

this is what you are in - the cycle of abuse

This man has something wrong in his head.

Of course there are nice bits - there have to be otherwise these people would be kicked to the curb every time.

The nice bits keep you hooked in the cycle.

If your father was like this you will feel almost comfortable with this as it is what you know.

please get some counselling on your own to work through this.

Also look up traumatic bonding.That is when someone is horrible to you but they are also the only person there to make you feel better after what they have done to you. but you wouldn't need to feel better if they had not already been horrible to you

In a nutshell, this is it.

He said, he's saying, he thinks. There's one of him. There 300+ people on here who have said the total opposite to what he's said. On the balance of probabilities who do think you should take a bit more notice of?

I know it's difficult to take things on board when you're in the thick of things. Do not doubt yourself. Dig deep and find that speck of self respect that's left and give it a good buffing. Stick to your boundaries and tell him to cross them

NOT TO CROSS THEM!

Op, how's it going? Has he picked up his stuff yet? I was thinking, could you drop his stuff of at his parents? Then its off your porch, and he will have to face the truth when he has to explain to his mummy why all his shit is now on her front doorstep.
Hope you are ok. X

I think maybe dolls isn't ready to throw the towel in yet. As someone has suggested earlier. Print off this thread to refer to, please do something about this monotonous cycle before it begins to effect dc and how they learn about relationships. Hope you ok.
And NOT doing his washing x

Dolls, have just read the whole thread and thought things were going in the right direction but by your last few posts it look like you are going to stay with this awful manchild. He is never going to change the way he behaves because he knows you will put up with it. He will never be the man you want him to be, and you have no chance of finding a better man if you are tied to this guy. Better to be single with the chance of meeting the right guy than staying with the wrong one. He is doing nothing for your self esteem but making you feel worse about yourself.

.....but we hope you're okay, obv......

Dolls if you are not ready to end this yet and I do know it takes time, I went back to a very similar situation a good few times before I finally had enough, but just remember you can change your mind anytime.

Just because you ahve taken him back in the past does not mean you are always fated to do so or that you must next time.

and we are here if you need back up, cheering on, cheering up or whatever.

you leave when you are ready.

and always remember you are not to blame for what he does. he is responsible for himself.

Sorry I just don't really know what to say.

I wish I could be stronger and more sure of myself but instead I feel like a right mess and like I'm in a huge mess that I just can't get out of. It feels hopeless.

It does seem hopeless but things can change. You don't need to leave right now, but could you tell someone IRL about what is happening? Could you tell your gp or ring women's aid? Can you talk to a friend or family member? We need support to make big life changes.

Don't let him move in Op.
Even if he has decided he now wants to.

1 DO NOT LIVE WITH THIS MAN

READ 'WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES'. MAKE IT YOUR BIBLE UNTIL YOU GET SOME BOUNDARIES.

Okay, stopped shouting now. Phew!

Scarlet... Is insinuated the op is a bitch and needs boundaries helpful?

Pictish:
The nicest person anyone could ever meet? Sure he is....in Broadmoor!

I have actually spoken to several patients at Broadmoor, including at least one well-known sex-offender. They all came across as more pleasant, or at least civil, than this man appears to be.