Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

No OP. He's not a nice person. Nice men don't walk 4 metres ahead of their girlfriends on nights out, and not notice when they're surrounded by drunken men. Nice men don't shout at their girlfriends when they have blisters on their feet. Nice men don't throw that back in your face 2 years on. What sort of fucker does that?

Nice men don't behave like him. They don't treat people like he is treating you. He won't allow you to re-build your self-esteem - because he's abusive. He takes advantage of your low self esteem in order to have you at his beck and call the whole time.

You can escape this - you are just a step away from escaping this.

well of course he would say that.

You don't actually expect that he is going to agree that he is unfair, unreasonable, a user and abusive, do you?

You need to accept that you are not going to get 'fairness' from him. You are not going to get 'truth' from him. You are going to have to accept him saying things that aren't true.

By continuing to engage with him, trying to get him to admit his treatment of you - he's still winning. He is still in your head.

You need to get to a place of total indifference. Where you no longer give a shit what he thinks about anything because he is totally irrelevant to you

There are far better articles and reading to be had than this OP, but it's the first one I came across just now, and I feel that a lot of it will resonate soundly with you.

15 signs you're in an Emotionally Abusive relationship

He's not going to say 'actually, I'm an abusive user, and you are right to run' is he?

Oh, I'm getting so mad just reading this! If I wasn't so keenly aware of the dangers of getting personally involved in the affairs of strangers on the internet, I'd offer to pick up his shit and drop it at his front door. There just aren't enough swear words.

Dolls just take one thing at a time honey.

there's a power game, he can put me right down and also pick me right back up

There WAS a power game, it happened because you let it happen, but you're not letting it happen any more and look how he's behaving - do you really want to keep suffering more of the same?
He has picked you up and dropped you at whim, but he can't do either any more.

Never mind the nicest person you could ever meet. I'd like to meet him and tell him to his face what a snivelling shit he is.
He can't even take responsibility for what he ploughs into his own mouth without blaming someone else for his weight issues. What a charmer. He's a user and an abuser.

You said he doesn't think your DS likes him? Hmm I wonder if that's true and if it is, why? Perhaps your DS has got vibes off him and has good reason not to like him. None of us writing on this thread like him and the only things we know about him are from someone who's been his girlfriend and substitute mother for five years. You won't get over that in a couple of days, be strong and be kind to yourself.

Could it be that rather than keeping a lid on past experiences, you are subconsciously seeking out situations where you can replay your childhood experience with a different outcome where you are finally good enough to make your dad treat you properly? (And obviously his behaviour wasn't your fault or in your control, so this is never going to be possible).

You aren't weak. Anybody would need help to rewrite that mental subroutine.

Dolls, you darling girl, I so SO wish I were your mum or grandmama ... I'd be round like a shot to hold your hand, give you a cuddle, and reassure you that you are a lovely, kind lady and you deserve far better than that pathetic excuse for a 'man' who is now throwing his toys out of the pram because you're not coming to heel like an obedient, whipped and kicked dog.

I've read some books about abuse within relationships, since going on MN, and that nasty guy is a textbook case, who is now trying everything in the book 'Handy Hints for Nasty, Manipulative, Entitled, Cruel Jerks to Get Back Control'

Ignore all that ghastly stuff he's now throwing at you. It's all vicious crap, designed to grind you down, make you question yourself, get you to go back to how it was. His idiotic claims about how much he's spent ... what about all the free meals (FIVE years' worth???). Do what wise MNetters suggest - don't answer calls, emails, change tel. numbers, change locks, DON'T ENGAGE with him at all. NOT AT ALL! Don't let him back to play his horrible head games.

You could call a cab and pile his stuff in it, send it to his or his mother's address, to be paid for on arrival.

But please, stay strong. It really really upsets me that a man could be so bloody horrible to a woman who has been nothing but good to him for so many years. You have the rest of your life before you - he WON'T enhance it it any way but will just drag you down to a life of misery and worry, at his beck and call, while he lords it over you, triumphant that he's 'called you to heel'. Don't let him do this, please.

Dolls you don't need to defend yourself to him.

He is only saying these things to hurt you. He is not going to accept anything you say in your defense.

He is fucking with your head on purpose. He is trying to put wear your down, and put you back in your 'place'. You know he will twist everything you say. Purely to hurt you as much as possible.

And if you were to point out all the errors of his ways, he won't agree with that either.

Easier said than done, but try not to worry about what he is saying, and don't try to defend yourself. Try accept it really doesn't matter what he is saying. While it is really hurtful, that is his only intention - to hurt you as deeply as possible.

Lots of people on the thread have told you how good you are doing, and how strong you've been. Hold that in your head instead of the shit he's spouting.

"He told me Saturday he was the nicest person anyone could ever meet"

Sorry OP, this made me laugh out loud. Yes, he's such a great guy, he must be because HE thinks so!!

What a deluded fool! He is a twat. You know it, we know it, your friends know it, your DS probably knows it too. In fact the only person who doesn't know that he's a twat is probably twatface himself.

I wouldn't take his opinion on anything as gospel if he's capable of that much self-delusion...

^^ On him coming I wasn't allowed to question him on what he'd said. He said he didn't mean any of it he was just annoyed, but then he said the right thing for me to do would just be to accept it even if I didn't agree and just think about how I treat him. If I questioned him on any of it he said I was attacking him and being abusive with my tone of voice and facial expressions.
The next day he said he didn't mean any of it and can't even remember what he said but I still wasn't allowed to talk about it.

OP - did he come to visit and stay the night?

Like FlatFaced above, I actually laughed out loud at the "I'm the nicest person ever" statement. Talk about deluded!

And if you drop by the relationships board, Emotional Abuse thread, you'll find dozens of women just like yourself, with shitbags who have tried all the same tricks as your fella. You're not the first to be taken in by their crap.

I won't tell you to bin his stuff because I don't think you will. I would suggest putting it in bags and boxes, and having a taxi deliver it to his door.
Get a new SIM, send him a last text telling him to disappear from your life and you have changed your number. Then cut up your old Sim and move on with your life. You are worth more than this.

Two more things to think over as well Dolls.

I'm with my very long term DH who I love to bits. He loves me too and the way he shows this is in the ways he treats me and talks to me.
I'm only telling you this because it's how it should be. That is what a relationship's like, well, one that's worth having.
Oh and I'm nothing special believe me, I'm just a regular run of the mill, everyday kind of woman.

The other thing is a real life example.
You know that thing I said about while you're with an arsehole you're missing out on a better life and better opportunities? Someone very close to me was in a five or six year relationship with a guy who didn't care. It was harder for her because she thought she loved him and they lived together. Eventually they split. She was broken hearted, but she gradually got over that and had a much better time on her own.
Within a year she met a wonderful man who makes her very happy. Now she just can't believe the rubbish she put up with and how long she let it carry on for.

You've done the hardest part.

Dolls Stop, just stop.
You let him in at the weekend. I take it he stayed and he now thinks you are back togther.

well he can unthink it.

the weekend is just two little days. you have not made your bed, you do not have to lie in it. so you had a wobble. don't puncih yourself for it. pick yourself up, hoik up the big girl pants and tell him to FOTTFSOFO and when he gets there to Fuck Off some more.

Tell him to go. keep telling him to go until it sticks.

He does not love you.
He is not nice.
He has NO right to treat you like this.
He is incapabale of taking responsibility for himself and that is why he blames you.

You are not to blame.

You are not to blame.

YOU are NOT to blame.

He is responsible for his own behaviour.
he is responsible for realising this.
He chooses to treat you like this.
He has no right to tell you what you have to get over and what you must forgive.

You owe him nothing.
You don't need to fix him.
You don't need to understand him.
you don't need him to like you or to love you.

You. don't. need. him.

and more importantly, you can do this. you can get rid of him. you can ahve a much better life without him, tearing you down and being a useless parasite. even if his cock were solid gold this would not be worth it.

block, delete and ignore.

Delurking.

Dolls, you (and us!) were so euphoric when you got rid of him, then when he's made an appearance guess what? You were miserable again. You need to cut him off. Full stop. Block his number. He's angry because he's not getting what HE wants.

Don't give him an inch.

Stay strong - we're rooting for you

The main thing to remember Dollslikeyouandme is that just because he got himself back into your home once, you don't need to return to the relationship. If you're sure that was a lapse on your part, simply put it down to being a temporary blip and keep your mind fixed on the fact that the relationship is over and he has no business being anywhere near you.

What everyone else said, Dolls. It does not matter what he thinks, or what he says. It does not matter if he wants to get back together, or his opinion of you. What you want is what matters, how you think of yourself is what matters.

Don't you see how much he is playing you? That 'insult her and then make your move when she's feeling wobbly and needy' is a technique used by many an exploitative playboy. It's supposed to make you grateful that he designs to go out with humble, faulty old you.

Sit down with a piece of paper and make a list of how you would be better off if he came back into your life. Then, on the other side of the page, make a list of how you would be worse off if you got back together with him.

He is a nasty, exploitative, controlling freak who has cottoned on to your self-esteem being low because of your father's treatment of you in your childhood, and is exploiting this for his own gain. You have nothing to gain from letting him back into your life, and everything to lose.

If I knew where you lived I would come over and barricade your door against this dreadful man, but I can't. All I can say is please stop answering the door to him and get a new SIM. Please do not get back on to the joyless merry go round that was your relationship with this man.

And yes, that you let him in once doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. Think of it as a last falling off the wagon before the start of your new, improved life.

Some brilliant advice and support on this thread.

Dolls
we all understand that real life and doing what you're encouraged to do is never anywhere as simple as words on the screen. We do.

When you make that list of Pros and Cons, also ask yourself

Is this a man who makes me feel good about myself?
Is this a man I really look forward to spending time or talking with, or am I just in a habit I find hard to break?
Is he a man I can stand up and be proud to call my boyfriend or partner?
Is this man a good part of my son's life?

Also ask, even though we ALL know the answer

Would I ever treat anyone like this?

Dolls - his comment about being the nicest person anyone could ever meet reminded me of my first boyfriend. He was awful to me for years (five years, as it happens) and one of the things he said when I'd finally told him to fuck off was "Who else will have you? No-one else will put up with you." My response was that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be this miserable and stay with him. It was absolute bollocks of course - just his way of trying to convince me that his behaviour was perfectly normal.

He's absolutely fucking deluded. One thing that people like him can't see is that you're perfectly capable of being happy on your own - he's telling you he's the nicest man you'll ever meet because he's TERRIFIED that you'll realise you can do better. Learn how to be happy on your own and the rest of your life will fall into place. Just know that you can - and will - meet much, much nicer men than him when the time is right.

Hold your head up high and walk away. Best thing I ever did was walk away from that emotionally abusive relationship. Didn't recognise it as that as the time - that's where you have an advantage - a team of people all telling you you're not being weird/needy/unreasonable. You can do it.

Dolls, it seems like you couldn't quite break contact because you felt obligated (no wonder when he's had you convinced that everything he ate, his weight, his debt was all your responsibility).

Now he is not going to accept that it is over - he will try and make you feel that you owe him one more thing so he has 'the right' to contact you about that.

What is great is you sound like you don't like him and you describe him as your ex still, it's just the sense of obligation.

So I think you should drop his box of stuff round (the main reason for all the contact last week) to his mums, when he's not there. Say it's over and leave on a good note, but leave quickly. Do not stay for tea or discussions, just go.

I don't think there's anything else for what you've said that he can have claim over (he will no doubt think otherwise). Send one last text: ask him not to contact you or you'll report him to the police for harassment.

Then you don't have to listen to anything else. You will have fulfilled all your 'obligations'. You can go no contact hitch I truly believe is essential to getting past this.

If his texts get too much or even if they continue, report them to the police on 101. I did that with an ex, I felt I was over-reacting but they were lovely. Hold strong. You can do it.

NICE??

He wouldn't know 'nice' if it came and bit him on the bum!

He is messing with your head. I believe he is gaslighting you (I'm not an expert). He is making you believe it's you, when any outsider can see exactly what he's doing.

Please get this moved to Relationships (someone on here can report it for you if you like) where many experienced people can help you get free of this arse.

He is doing you no good, in fact he is harming you and you need to get rid. You will be happier, honestly you will.

If I was your mum (I'm old enough) I would be doing everything I could to help you get him gone.

Keep posting on here. You will get lots of support and advice to help you move on.

Thank you all, I am trying to get my head round the situation, Pictish I really like your straight talking and find myself nodding along to what you say.

Bees, I think the problem is I DO like him, I know that seems odd, but I think it's because when he's not being really horrible he's being quite nice, when he's in a good mood things can be great. I know sometimes isn't enough, but when someone is really nasty, sometimes you end up clinging to them even more in the hope that the nice person will be back soon.

That probably doesn't make much sense but it almost becomes a bit like they regulate your emotions.