Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

wow what a twat!
Lucky he has shown his true colours now.

I can't really explain the frustration of being told things that are completely untrue and not being allowed to defend myself or even have a discussion about it.

I am no expert but this nasty emotional abuse sounds like gaslighting to me. The heels story is very sad.

He is making you feel awful with his nasty words, lies and manipulation. You are doing so well but now need to finish it finally and put him totally behind you.

Cripes. I've been lurking but i just wanted to say he is desperate. He is throwing everything he can think of at this hoping that something will make you do what he wants - Seriously that shoe thing 2 YEARS AGO is just pathetic.

He is showing you how cruel and nasty he is. If you love someone you don't treat them like this. He is just pissed off he's not getting his own way.

Don't listen to him anymore. Really if you are as awful as he says why would he want to be with you? It's just bullshit to knock you down.

And the don't question him thing, is completely controlling. People who want to sort things out talk about them - they don't give someone a stream of verbal then say now you have to accept that and never question it. You don't. There is another option. Don't listen to his, quite frankly, bizarre drivel.

Good luck - i'm rooting for you :)

I caused what happened at the weekend. I read the texts, I answered the phone, I said he could come. I let him in.

But, I was feeling shit anyway, the texts were horrible, and untrue, that wasn't all of it, he was goading and mocking me, because of some other stuff that's happened in the past I felt as though I'm worthless, because men don't treat me with respect, I wanted to defend myself, but I wasn't allowed to anyway.

He blames me for all that goes wrong in his life. He's skint because he paid for a pizza or bought a duvet cover, not because he ran up a £900 bill, or because he buys a car he can't afford to run. He's overweight because of me. He said you blame those you love.

NO.

Stop it.

He is the cause of all this.

You may have reacted to the situation that HE PUT YOU IN, but you caused nothing. But for his actions towards you, nothing that happened this weekend would have happened.

Maybe you could have responded better, less emotionally, who knows, that's not really the biggest point in all this, is it?

Do not allow yourself to buy into any of his 'if only you had been nicer to me...' bullshit.

He wants to hurt and upset you. Don't let him.

He. Does. Not. Love. You.

Why are you even listing to this shit?

You didn't cause it. Its in your power to cut him out to prevent it happening again, but having optimism that he might be a decent human being didn't cause him to not be.

But you can grab that power and use it whenever you're ready, it'll still be there. Start by getting a third party to pick up his stuff/go and drop it at his mum's house.

Then go with the standard MN maxim: "No is a complete sentence".

Dolls - just de-lurking to say YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS! It is him, all him!

Bin his stuff, do not talk to him, do not engage with him...

The things he has an issue with are HIS PROBLEMS.

I feel so on your behalf - I am absolutely livid.

YOU deserve so much better than this and I hope you are starting to see that... and your DS deserves better too. You are so unhappy and he can't help but be effected by this so completely disengage and I promise after the initial few weeks, you will feel soooo much better!

Easier said than done - but PLEASE listen to the wise posters here and, just so you know:

YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS

You caused NONE of this. You are in no way to blame for HIS actions.

You have no reason to EVER engage with him again. Please, don't.

Don't give it head room. He is a twat. He will NEVER get it. The trouble is you think of him as a reasonable person. You think if you just said/did the right thing or found the magic formula, he'd be nicer. But he wont. It's a temptation to dangle you along. There is no pot of gold at the end of his rainbow. He will constantly move the goal posts. So you just have to detach and remove yourself from him. Accept he wont change and that it isn't your responsibility to save him or 'behave better'.

Rather than keep rehashing what he has said. Is it possible for you to think of something positive? Can you focus on something which is all about you and your DS? Which has nothing to do with him whatsoever?

Remember, the fact that he expresses an opinion doesn't mean that it has any value.

You don't owe him anything. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

Look - I am perfectly free to type "Manchester United are doing really well at the moment". I know absolutely nothing about football (It's the one where you can't touch the ball isn't it??) - doesn't stop me from making a completely meaningless remark.

I hope you find the strength to walk away from this man Dolls or this will be it for the rest of your life.You will be stuck looking after this arsehole like a second mummy whilst he treats you like utter shit.
You do not need him,he is enjoying every minute of this drama.
Start again you and your ds.

Dolls please listen.

When he said he can't be bothered to go out with me he meant out for a day or night not in general

It doesn't matter what he meant, it sounds like about 90% of what comes out of his mouth is absolute drivel and the rest is spiteful bile anyway.

The point is, you should be with someone who absolutely can be bothered about you, about your son, your lives and your happiness.

You are not responsible for him, his weight or his whims.

You just made a mistake engaging with him, learn from it and don't do it again. You've finished with him, draw a line and don't ever let anyone tell you what you are allowed and not allowed to say in future.

Dolls, you sound such a nice person, and he is abusing this. It's text book abuser behaviour - to grind you down so low that you accept his awful behaviour towards you.

Don't listen to him - you know he's telling lies, you know that his opinion of you (or his professed opinion of you in the heat of an argument) is no reflection of your worth. You are a good person - you have a wonderful ds and you don't need this man in your life.

Have no more conversations with him. Call the police if he continues to harass you - you have the right to finish a relationship that is not working for you. Full stop.

You need a better support network around you, not this man. Work on making new friendships, new activities with your ds, building a better support network around you.

Oh and when he's gone on about presents and money?
TOUGH SHIT.

You've already transferred money for a duvet cover, which I wouldn't have done.

I really can't believe some of the stuff I read on MN. How tight and how miserly and how vindictive some people can be.

Dig your heels in. You really really should be celebrating ridding yourself of this toxic waste of space.
Like I said, Draw.A.Line.

He is fulfilling every single criteria of an abusive man. Read Lundy Bancrofts book called Why does he do that? If you want some support.

You owe him nothing.
Block him from your phone. Put his stuff out with the bins. Go to the movies or the local library or anywhere for the next few nights.

Blank him out. Make him a nothing. He does not even think of you as a person, so don't engage with him.

He will keep up the pressure for a while but it will keep going for as long as you keep responding so just don 'to even text.

And start planning some fun things with your ds.

Rather than wIt for him to collect his stuff, do you have a friend/relative who can drive it to his place and dump it on his doorstep? Hell, I'd be tempted to get a taxi (I'm presuming you don't drive, not sure why!) there, dump it on the doorstep and turn round and go home again.

You are not to blame.

Ok the thing is, growing up my dad was vile to me most of the time. He has had depression and a drink problem for years, I don't want to go into too much detail but I've come to the realisation that I was abused, physically and emotionally. And my mum allowed and even encouraged it.

Just one small example, my dad left ashtrays and beer cans all over the floor and that's what I would get up to each morning. I once questioned this and my dad emptied the bin all over the floor just to prove a point that he would do what he liked.

He constantly told me I was shit.

As a result I have little confidence and am very critical of myself.

Take my ex who comes from a 'nice' family, is more successful than me on paper. Is very good at making himself seem oh so reasonable. And he's got a licence to do what he likes.

I know this isn't true in reality but there's a power game, he can put me right down and also pick me right back up.

I've realised this more and more. And I've realised I probably need counselling or something to help me to be able to validate myself, but I'm afraid to open a can of worms. I keep the lid firmly on past bad experiences.

But I'm not quite sure how to get off the merry go round when I guess I'm so weak?

People don't blame Those they love.

He blames the person he claims To love. That isn't love, don't confuse it for him caring about you.

Think of what you feel for your DS. That is love. It drives people To do nice and good things for and To the person they love.

Oh and if his mother is "nicer" than you then tell him he really needs To stop wasting his time and Go find someone "nice" like his Mum.

And you didn't cause the weekend's problems, he ground you down úntil you felt you needed To speak To him. You don't need To defende yourself To him because you've done Nothing that needs defending. It's really none of his business what you feel, what with him being the Ex, and as such his opinión is worse Nothing.

It's ironic people are picking up on abuse from his behaviour. He told me Saturday he the nicest person anyone could ever meet.

He said you blame those you love.

You see Doll? He genuinely believes he is entitled to treat you like shit, and hold you soley responsible for his emotional and physical wellbeing. He views you as a facility to to be exploited. Your role is to be servile, passive, nurturing and available, while his is to benefit from it.

Deeply unhealthy thinking on his part, and that will not change.

I don't blame those I love. I love those I love.

As for him being abusive?
Without a doubt. He's textbook.

The nicest person anyone could ever meet? Sure he is....in Broadmoor!

RUN AWAY! PLEASE! DO NOT ENGAGE WITH ANYTHING HE HAS TO SAY OR DO! BLOCK HIS NUMBER!

You've obviously had a rough time of it, and that's making it difficult for you to stick to your guns. That isn't your fault, but unfortunately it does mean it's going to take quite an effort to step off the merry-go-round stop letting him walk all over you. But you can do it. And I think you really, really, really need to.

Make the meal and put it in the fridge for him to re-heat. Repeat twice. Don't make him a meal at all after that.

Dolls I've had counselling. It is tough To open that can of worms but once you've unravelled them and sorted them, and then Get rid it is unbelievebly liberating, although it's not a quick fix.

I know there is a thread in Relationships, the Stately Homes thread, where people who survived dysfunctional families post. Have you looked at that?

Or maybe approach your GP about counselling. But do not tell this man if you do, it's not his business because he isn't a part of your Life since you dumped him. And if you think EH will use it against you them don't tell him either, on the same basis.