Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

Hi I am sorry I haven't been back to update, I am ok but haven't really been able to face even reading the thread.

Things were said at the weekend that have hurt me deeply and just made me doubt myself so much I just don't know what to think anymore.

Dolls sweetheart, his point of view is not valid. I am sorry he has been hurtful. If you can try and read the thread. Might give you some perspective too early for

Dolls, do you want to say more about what happened? Presumably this was your ex who said hurtful things? Please don't let whatever he said - which will be self-serving, obviously, as he wants the status quo back for entirely selfish reasons - derail your praiseworthy decision to end this exploitative relationship. You need to stop engaging with him, and go entirely non-contact.

Don't you see what a successful hatchet job this man has made of your self-esteem, that he has had you dancing attendance on him, despite his bad behaviour, and now he's causing you to doubt your decision to get rid of a relationship which is far less than you deserve?

Just remember that it is in his interests to try to hurt and confuse you but that nobody who loves you would want to hurt you

Dolls.... thanks for coming back. When you feel ready gain some strength from some of the really sound advice you have been given on thread. I know it's hard especially when you are not 100% ready.
Thinking of you

Dolls you shouldn't doubt yourself. He is an abusive man who wants to hurt you. We'll be here when you're ready.

((((((((((((((((soft Hugs)))))))))))))

For what it's worth Dolls, you might not know what to think, but the rest of us think you've had a very lucky escape.

It's a very unpleasant time for you, but it won't always be like this.
When you read this take onboard advice I'm fond of repeating. While you're with the wrong man, a man who's making you unhappy, you won't have a chance to meet new people who do make you happy, people who might want an equal partner and someone to show how much they love them, not an unpaid skivvy who's downtrodden to keep them in 'their place'

He's lashing out and being cruel and spiteful just to hurt you because he's no longer the one calling all the shots and he's not getting his own way. Don't buy into it that's all it is.

Come back for support when you feel up to it

Ok here goes.

On Saturday I told him I wanted him to collect his stuff by that night. He said he'd collect it Sunday. I said fine but I wanted it gone by then or bin day was Monday morning. He said why didn't I just grow up do the right thing and let him collect his things from inside when he's ready. I said I wanted it done and dusted and I'm not a storage unit.

He went into a full on rage. He sent me a stream of horrible texts.

He said he's got a good mind to make me give him the money back for everything he's bought me. He told me to look around the house 'he bought it' (this just simply isn't true) and he should come and take it all back,

He said he can't be bothered to go out with me anymore as I'm just miserable and moan, again this just isn't true. He starting referring to an incident two years ago when we went for a drink in town, we were on a busy clubby street, a bit rough and I had high heels on which I rarely wear, it was late and we were going to get some food and back to our hotel. My feet were hurting and a had a blister from the damn shoes. He was walking about four metres in front of me (which he always does whenever we go anywhere), and I was struggling to keep up and then some guys started surrounding me just being drunk and coming onto me. Boyfriend didn't even notice so I stopped to see how far he'd walk before he even realised. He didn't notice at all and it ended up with him shouting at me about wearing stupid shoes. We've had many, many nights and days out where everything has been wonderful, cinema curry, we've seen many fantastic films, had many days out in town going for coffee and cake, I'm not usually a high heels drinking person and all he ever does is bring up that one night. I'm never allowed to forget the night I ruined everything with my damn heels. Worst bit is by the time we got round the corner we'd both ended up laughing about it and we ate Nandos in the bed of our hotel room.

He said he used to be close to his family and now he doesn't even know them.

Again not true, he goes to his mums every Monday night without fail, usually on a Friday and at least twice a month at the weekends. I'm always asking to go round as I get on well with them and he's made a conscious effort to keep me away despite his parents and sister inviting us all round for dinner or out for meals he can never set a date. When we pop round it's only because ds has begged to go or I've forced it and even then he sits in silence and makes up lies about why we need to go making me look an idiot.

Ok here goes.

On Saturday I told him I wanted him to collect his stuff by that night. He said he'd collect it Sunday. I said fine but I wanted it gone by then or bin day was Monday morning. He said why didn't I just grow up do the right thing and let him collect his things from inside when he's ready. I said I wanted it done and dusted and I'm not a storage unit.

He went into a full on rage. He sent me a stream of horrible texts.

He said he's got a good mind to make me give him the money back for everything he's bought me. He told me to look around the house 'he bought it' (this just simply isn't true) and he should come and take it all back,

He said he can't be bothered to go out with me anymore as I'm just miserable and moan, again this just isn't true. He starting referring to an incident two years ago when we went for a drink in town, we were on a busy clubby street, a bit rough and I had high heels on which I rarely wear, it was late and we were going to get some food and back to our hotel. My feet were hurting and a had a blister from the damn shoes. He was walking about four metres in front of me (which he always does whenever we go anywhere), and I was struggling to keep up and then some guys started surrounding me just being drunk and coming onto me. Boyfriend didn't even notice so I stopped to see how far he'd walk before he even realised. He didn't notice at all and it ended up with him shouting at me about wearing stupid shoes. We've had many, many nights and days out where everything has been wonderful, cinema curry, we've seen many fantastic films, had many days out in town going for coffee and cake, I'm not usually a high heels drinking person and all he ever does is bring up that one night. I'm never allowed to forget the night I ruined everything with my damn heels. Worst bit is by the time we got round the corner we'd both ended up laughing about it and we ate Nandos in the bed of our hotel room.

He said he used to be close to his family and now he doesn't even know them.

Again not true, he goes to his mums every Monday night without fail, usually on a Friday and at least twice a month at the weekends. I'm always asking to go round as I get on well with them and he's made a conscious effort to keep me away despite his parents and sister inviting us all round for dinner or out for meals he can never set a date. When we pop round it's only because ds has begged to go or I've forced it and even then he sits in silence and makes up lies about why we need to go making me look an idiot. Saying ds has got swimming when he hasn't.

We've been supposed to go and visit his gran for months but he makes excuses.

He is angry with you that you are no longer willing to be his doormat.

I assume he has indeed now taken his stuff?

There is no need now for any further communication, is there?

Don't let him do this to you. Don't let him stay inside your head and scramble things up in there.

He has been a SHIT to you.

Dolls. Don't even listen to him. He is trying to goad you into either giving him what he wants or telling him to do one so that he can get under your skin again.

You should have seen the red flags yonks ago. But you didn't.

If you have to, put the bloody phone down, close the door, walk away. His rage is not your concern. All you do now is go over all the words and worry that you are making a big mistake. If you refuse to listen then there are no words to go over.

Ignore his drivel.At least he's not being nice and confusing you and making you doubt yourself.Did he collect his things?

Dolls the man is an arse. You're well shot of him. He's saying these things to get at you because you're not doing what he wants. If I were you I'd block his number and ignore him.

Dolls, he is lashing out because things aren't going his way. He is purposely and spitefully doing what he can to hurt you.

Try to look at this way, he is doing this because you have got under his skin for a change.

Maybe try think 'Yeah right, arsehole' in your head when you hear him come up with this nonsense. And don't react. That will totally do his head in.

Stay strong - you are doing great. You will be so much better off without this weasel.

Stick his stuff outside. Delete the texts, don't engage. Block his number if possible. You do NOT need to engage in any more conversation with him, his point of view is IRRELEVANT. You do not need to have any more dialogue with him.

1. you didn't ruin any night out with your heels, he ruined it with his lack of interest in you when he stomped off ahead leaving you to walk alone. Or the drunks ruined it by upsetting you. Either way he and not you were at fault there.

My DH sometimes walks on ahead when we're out together. He's got a longer stride and a faster pace than me. I just walk at my normal pace and shout to him 'do you think you're the Queen?'

Seriously he really does did treat you like a minion. Why would you stand for it?

1. he hasn't got any choice whether to be 'bothered' going out with you. It's not for him to say, you ended it.

He's an arse of the highest order and he's tight with it. What charming traits, a catch for any woman

Oh and by the way, if you hadn't ended it I could quite see him dumping you out of the blue down the line, if a better servant came along.

He said I'm lazy, then on the other hand he said I'm too clean and he's fed up of me forcing him to help me tidy up on weekends when gw ahoyld be resting, he said ds hates him, he said some really horrible things about my childhood and my dad implying I'm making things up and it's all in my head. He said I'll never be happy. Then he said 'I still love you though'.

Then while I was crying he phoned me and like an idiot I answered, he said not to listen to him he didn't mean it and could he see me. I don't know why but I said yes, I think because I needed validation and wanted a chance to defend myself.

On him coming I wasn't allowed to question him on what he'd said. He said he didn't mean any of it he was just annoyed, but then he said the right thing for me to do would just be to accept it even if I didn't agree and just think about how I treat him. If I questioned him on any of it he said I was attacking him and being abusive with my tone of voice and facial expressions.

The next day he said he didn't mean any of it and can't even remember what he said but I still wasn't allowed to talk about it.

I can't really explain the frustration of being told things that are completely untrue and not being allowed to defend myself or even have a discussion about it.

Don't pay any more attention to him. He's a wanker.

'He said he can't be bothered to go out with me anymore'. He's too late. YOU broke up with HIM.

Send him one more text: 'Pick up your stuff by x time on x day or it's going to the skip', then block his number. If he hasn't picked it up, get rid of it.

Fuck him. There are better men out there and you will meet one.

No he hasn't taken his things.

When he said he can't be bothered to go out with me he meant out for a day or night not in general.

Like yesterday he said his dad was taking his mum out, I looked and he said 'yes but she's nicer than you'.

I hope he came to collect his stuff. Leave it for the bin men if it's still there and just try, try, try not to talk to him. While you're interacting he has a way to get to you - which is exactly what he's doing. Stop all contact and he can't get to you anymore. He's being an utter arse because he is an utter arse. You're doing the right thing.

That doesn't surprise me.

He is simply refusing to accept that you have the right to end the relationship.

What are you going to do?

It is easy to say bin the things, but realistically is that going to mean that he will then harass you forever more?

Perhaps gritting your teeth and arranging for a third party to dump them at his house would be better. Much as it pains me to advise this, I can see him making your life a misery, threatening to sue you, turning up yelling about how you got rid of his stuff, etc etc.

Whereas if you get it to his house, it is no longer your problem and he cannot 'blame' you for its loss.

Or see if the local police station will allow you to bag it up and take it there for him to collect (I don't know if they still allow this)

He is, frankly, fucking frightening. What he wants from you is the total compliance of a surrendered wife.

Please don't allow this.

You don't need validation from him. He is the one making you feel like shit!

Don't let him kick you to the floor and then put out your hand for him to pick you up please.