Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have not not want sex 18 months on.

83 replies

Rizzo69 · 20/01/2014 08:26

Our DD is 18 months old. She still sleeps in our room, and until now I have used this as an excuse for the fact that I have no interest in having sex.

DH has been very patient. He's always telling me I look great, hugging and trying to kiss me. He doesn't pressurise me for sex at all, but I know he wants us to start again. I'm happy with things as they are.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
karmakoala · 20/01/2014 08:29

I might get famed for this but I think YABU.

karmakoala · 20/01/2014 08:29

Haha, Flamed!

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 20/01/2014 08:30

Why don't you want to have sex? No sex drive? Tiredness? I think it depends on the reason. Do you expect to go on like this forever? Because if so, I do think that is unfair.

ROARmeow · 20/01/2014 08:30

Is it something to do with the delivery? Do you have lasting physical or emotional pain?

Is there a particular reason DD still sleeps in your room? Nothing wrong with that, but I think it's wrong of you to keep her there just to keep your DH at arms length.

Is this about you since motherhood, or just a general 'not wanting to have sex'?

Sorry for so many questions, but it's so far from my experience after I had both my DC that I do think you're being a BU.

I think sitting down and talking to your DH would be a good idea.

purrforagoodkip · 20/01/2014 08:31

You can't condemn your partner to no sex without talking to him about it. It's only been 18 months but at the same time, you don't get to hold all the keys regarding intimacy. Are you affectionate?

FetchezLaVache · 20/01/2014 08:31

You're not unreasonable to not want sex and you're never unreasonable to abstain if you don't want it, but I think you need to explore WHY you don't want it and consider the effect this could have on your relationship long-term if you now effectively want a celibate marriage. It's massively in your DH's favour that he's not pressured you at all. Can you sit him down and discuss it? But you would have to be prepared for the eventuality that he wouldn't be as happy with that arrangement as you are and that it might even be a deal-breaker for him.

WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 08:33

Are you breastfeeding?

I bfed until 10 months and had zero interest in sex, but when I stopped it was literally like someone flicking a switch inside me and then I wanted it again.

If it's not that, then I don't think YABU. You can't help how you feel. But I think it would be unreasonable to do nothing about it. I would be very hurt if my DH decided he never wanted sex again and it would have a detrimental effect on our relationship. I'm sure it would be the same if it were me that decided no more sex as well, and I don't think it's fair to just completely withdraw an important part of a marriage without putting any effort it.

TheGinLushMinion · 20/01/2014 08:37

I too think YABU, you need to discuss this with your DH & also think about putting DD in her own room-18 months is pretty old to still have her in with you.

dannydyerismydad · 20/01/2014 08:38

If you're breastfeeding it can mess around with your oestrogen levels. It can give you no urge, and can actually make things quite uncomfortable and painful.

It may be worth having a chat with your GP as there are solutions.

EirikurNoromaour · 20/01/2014 08:41

For me, it would be a deal breaker. If your sex drive has vanished, IMO, you need to take steps to get it back not shrug and say 'meh'
This isn't just for the well being of your relationship, it's for your own well being too. Humans are sexual (unless they are asexual, and that's rare) and repressing our sexual side is unhealthy IMO.

Sallystyle · 20/01/2014 08:48

I don't think you can be unreasonable for not wanting sex. After all, if the drive isn't there it isn't there.

I do feel sorry for your dh though. 18 months is a long time.

At this point I think a chat with your GP would be a good idea.

Often, we just need to do it to get the urge back. I struggle with my drive and find that sometimes I just have to do it to get my drive back. That may or may not work for you.

If DH didn't want sex with me for 18 months and wasn't trying to get help for it then I would resent him. I would be fine with a lack of sex drive and months without it but after 18 months I would be expecting him to be making some effort to get things back on track.

Sallystyle · 20/01/2014 08:50

I would be very hurt if my DH decided he never wanted sex again and it would have a detrimental effect on our relationship. I'm sure it would be the same if it were me that decided no more sex as well, and I don't think it's fair to just completely withdraw an important part of a marriage without putting any effort it.

Yes. After 18 months with no effort put in to get things back on track I would be devastated and it might become a deal breaker. It wouldn't be the lack of sex drive, but the lack of him trying to get help and not caring about my feelings enough to get help that would do it for me.

Nancy66 · 20/01/2014 08:51

Yes, you are. If your husband felt the same way that would be fine but he clearly doesn't. You need to address this or, to be blunt, your marriage will probably fall apart.

LolaDontCryOnDogTails · 20/01/2014 08:52

You're not unreasonable for not wanting sex, that is a personal desire/feeling.
But I do think if you want to have sex again you're just not in the mood then you should try & get back to it for yourself, and if you feel like you don't want to try then you should tell your partner.

I would feel pretty devastated if DP didn't want sex for 18months and there was no hope for any or trying to get it back again.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 20/01/2014 08:53

I do think YABU

Not for not wanting sex, but for not doing anything to get to the cause of why and for expecting your DH to be happy to live in a sexless marriage because you are

You should never have sex if you don't want to, but if you're in a committed monogamous relationship you do owe your partner at least an explanation of why and how you see things in the future. If it is a temporary thing then that's easier to work through but if it's more long term that's quite a serious issue in a marriage. If it's not something you're prepared to work on then I think you'll have to consider that your DH might not be happy to forego sex forever and might want to either leave the relationship or you could both agree that he should seek sex elsewhere

MammaTJ · 20/01/2014 09:08

I think the previous posters have made good points. I know myself, even without a toddler thrown in to the mix, the less I have sex, the less I want it.

I think if you make yourself, then you might find you enjoy it and want it more.

formerbabe · 20/01/2014 09:09

YANBU to feel the way you do.

YABU not to try to find a solution to this problem.

18 months is a long time

MostWicked · 20/01/2014 09:09

I think you need to start putting some effort in.
Life changes so much after giving birth, and it's often difficult to see yourself as a sexual wife again, especially if you are sharing a room or breastfeeding.
Although you can put a lack of sex drive down to hormones, it takes effort to get the spark back. If you have any fear of pain, then agree to no intercourse until you feel more ready, but get naked and explore each other. Put baby to bed then put a blanket on the living room floor so you can concentrate on each other better.
I think you DH has been very patient, but intimacy is a vital part of a marriage, so it is time to do something about that.

Original poster
Rizzo69 · 21/01/2014 07:44

Thanks for your advice. I used to really enjoy sex, but I just haven't had the urge. I've never really been into hand stuff or oral, I've considered giving DH some "relief" but it just seems icky. Am slightly worried by his patience. He's a wonderful man and a great dad. I don't think he's going elsewhere, but I know I have to do something.

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 21/01/2014 08:03

What about a massage? Could you start with giving one another massages and tell him there won't be sex...just get used to touching each other again.

Joysmum · 21/01/2014 08:55

formerbabe said it so well.

Yiu feel how you feel, that's fine. However, if you don't want to find out why and doom your partner to a lifetime devoid of sex I think you're being bang out of order.

Junebugjr · 21/01/2014 09:07

Me and my dh didnt dtd for about 8 months after, and i had zero sex drive, so i can sympathise. But, If my partner felt that giving me pleasure was slightly icky and was making no effort to sort this out it would be a deal breaker for me. YABU. You jut can't expect him to stay in a sex less relationship happily. Go to the doctors and find out if there are any physical issues causing lack of libido.

Mabelandrose · 21/01/2014 10:00

What about just starting to build up a bit of intimacy. No strings at first but taking a bath together, massages?

formerbabe · 21/01/2014 10:03

Rizzo...when you say the thought of giving him relief is 'icky'...have you always felt like that or is it just recently? If you have always felt it was an 'icky' thing to do, then that is quite unusual and needs addressing.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 21/01/2014 12:04

I think you are being unreasonable, sorry. If my dh just decided he wasn't going to have sex with me for the foreseeable I would be utterly gutted. You need to talk to dh and explain you don't want sex with him anymore. You can then both decide where to go from there. Of course you should not have sex if you don't want to but dh deserves honesty and the chance to decide whether he wants to stay in the relationship (maybe with a few handjobs thrown in?) or perhaps have an open relationship.