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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have not not want sex 18 months on.

83 replies

Rizzo69 · 20/01/2014 08:26

Our DD is 18 months old. She still sleeps in our room, and until now I have used this as an excuse for the fact that I have no interest in having sex.

DH has been very patient. He's always telling me I look great, hugging and trying to kiss me. He doesn't pressurise me for sex at all, but I know he wants us to start again. I'm happy with things as they are.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Grennie · 21/01/2014 12:10

YANBU. No one should have sex if they don't want to.

And by no sex do you mean no sex act, or no penetrative sex?

Grennie · 21/01/2014 12:11

And no, you shouldn't have to service your partner with handjobs. Any kind of sex should be because you want to have it.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 21/01/2014 12:11

No yanbu, but your husband wouldn't be unreasonable to say he can't live like that since you seem to have no desire to fix the problem either.

Hope and then rejection is devastating for the other person and it doesn't sound like you care?

Fairylea · 21/01/2014 12:18

You can't help how you feel and I've gone through periods of extreme low libido. However for the sake of your marriage it might be worth trying to reconnect sexually.

I would start by getting your little one into their own room. Co sleeping etc is fine and doesn't have to interfere with sex but you might find it easily to switch off and relax with your dh and regain some intimacy if your dc is settled in their own room. Worth a try!

I also think when you have young children (I have ds 18 months and also an older dd) that you really have to change your times and expectations for what good sex is.

For example, we now rrarely have sex in bed. We're always shattered so we tend to have sex usually on the sofa downstairs when ds is in bed and dd is upstairs reading before she goes to sleep. We put something by the door so we can get some warning if dd comes down!

We also use nap times and sometimes I might even surprise dh in the kitchen if he's making a tea or whatever and ds is asleep and dd out etc.

We are nowhere near back to where we were before ds. .. We used to have sex everyday, now we are so worn out its more like once or twice a week but we laugh about it and have fun and that's the intimacy that seems to be missing in a relationship without sex.

Talk to your dh. See what you can do together to make things more fun and sexual between you.

Also check your thyroid and iron levels at the gp to rule out physical causes.

MsMarvel · 21/01/2014 12:20

Yanbu for not wanting to have sex. But yabu for not discussing this all with your oh so that everyone is able t make decisions based on all the facts. I think if the sex life disappeared from my relationship without anyone making any effort to get it back it would be a deal breaker.
You might be happy to accept that you don't need sex, but within that you also have to be prepared for your oh to decide against it and leave you.

Thants · 21/01/2014 12:28

When you say you haven't had the urge? Do you mean just out of the blue string desire because I never really feel like that. I just know that if I start kissing and stroking I'll get more turned on and will enjoy it. Don't discount oral or mutual masturbation, it's fun just on it's own!

Grennie · 21/01/2014 12:31

I do feel the urge. Surely sexual attraction to our partner is important?

SanityClause · 21/01/2014 12:48

Try starting slowly.

Agree that one of you will touch and massage the other's non-erogenous zones for 10 minutes, then it's time to swap. Then stop. Keep doing that until you feel ready for more.

Add whatever you want, (i.e., touching bum, touching breasts) with prior agreement, or even as you go.

As you keep doing it, add more things you are happy with, to build up your sex life again, until you are having loving sex again.

SoonToBeSix · 21/01/2014 12:55

After 18 months yes yabu

TheGreatHunt · 21/01/2014 12:57

Why don't you want to?

Do you not fancy your DH anymore? Or just no drive?

I understand the no drive - we manage maybe once a month. We have stressful jobs and young DCs so I feel exhausted and wound up. Completely unable to relax! But I try (not enough for DH though).

Bowlersarm · 21/01/2014 13:00

18 months is a long time.

YABU if you want to carry on as you are without resolving the issue.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/01/2014 13:02

You shouldn't be worried about his patience. You should be proud he isn't being a dick and pressuring you, but you do need to talk to him honestly about how you are feeling as it isn't fair to not tell him if you plan not to have sex anymore. Do you want more children as I think it is unfair to just use him for that?

Nothing wrong with masturbating him. Why would it be icky? He is your husband!

Pickle131 · 21/01/2014 15:04

You're not unreasonable for not feeling like it. But there comes a point when it's unreasonable not to do it. Unless something changes hormonally you just won't feel like it unless you get on and do it. I'm in the same boat with a 13 month old. Recently DH and I have been putting the effort in and it really is worth it, physically and emotionally. Committing to going to bed earlier has helped.

harticus · 21/01/2014 16:26

YANBU - if you don't want to have sex then you shouldn't have to have it.

Where I think YABU is that this is a problem you need to address together as a couple - be honest and open about it.

Sex should be a shared intimacy that you both enjoy. The idea that you should just get on with it and "service" him anyway is grim.
I am sure that your DH wouldn't want you doing anything sexual if you weren't into it too.

Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who really didn't want to be there?
I hate this idea that men are emotionless priapic robots that just need their dick sucked now and then.

Original poster
Rizzo69 · 21/01/2014 17:36

DH really is a DH. He does everything he can to help. He tells me he loves me, tells me I look good. He's brilliant with The baby.

On a couple of occasions he has given me cuddles and I could feel he was aroused. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I still fancy him. And out sex life used to be great. He always put my please first, went down on me all the time and it was stunning. And penetrative sex was great too.

I don't know why, I just seem to have some sort of block.

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 21/01/2014 17:42

Would you be comfortable masturbating on your own.

It sounds like your sex drive has gone. Start slowly and build your way up.

MostWicked · 21/01/2014 21:27

No one should have sex if they don't want to.

No of course they shouldn't, but in a marriage, intimacy IS important, and both partners should put effort in to that.

OP, you mentioned that you were never really into oral or manual stimulation and the thought of giving him some relief made you feel icky, yet you later said that he used to give you fantastic oral pleasure, does that mean that you have never really given him much/any oral or manual pleasure?

If he is so good with you, why don't you start by asking him to touch you. Get naked, lie on the floor and let him massage you. Keep in non sexual to start with, then progress when you are ready onto sexual touch. See if he can re-ignite that desire. You could ask him to sort himself out as it will obviously arouse him, but I do think that you should put some effort into pleasuring him when he puts so much effort into your pleasure.

He sounds wonderful, patient and kind. I am sure he would appreciate any effort at all that you put in.

redexpat · 21/01/2014 22:19

I know exactly what you mean. I will get flamed for this but:

Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it.

By which I mean, work through that block. I found it easier just to jump on DH rather than have candles bath and expectation. I wanted to have sex, but didnt feel the urge. I had sex, the urges came back.

MostWicked · 22/01/2014 00:04

I'd call that an attempt at a kick start rather than faking it and I agree that it does have merit on occasions, but not if there is any anxiety about pain, because you need to be completely honest with your partner if you are anxious.

Original poster
Rizzo69 · 22/01/2014 00:12

I've never really been a fan of hand jobs. I just feel like I'm doing it wrong, as for oral. I don't know why, but I've never liked doing it. I did it when we first went out. (my husband is the only man I've. . . Well you know, orally pleasured) but I never liked it.

OP posts:
CityTiliDie · 22/01/2014 07:25

Trust me if you are 'doing it wrong' he will tell you....... it hurts. AS long as he is quiet you are doing fine.

As a male I think your DH is being a saint and you really should try to get some help to reconnect with him.

Massaging is a great way to ease yourself back in so to speak.

We co sleep with our DD and if anything it makes it more fun trying to find places to DTD that wont disturb DD. Though the sofa didnt work due to getting a cold dogs nose up your bum killing the mood stone dead.

Good luck, it is scary trying to revive the intimate side of your relationship after a long time but you can do it and I'm sure you will feel so much better once you do manage.

Artandco · 22/01/2014 07:31

I think so. When eldest was 18 months we also had ds2 3 months. We still co sleep with both and eldest is 4. It hasn't affected relationship at all.

cheeseandpineapple · 22/01/2014 07:59

"sex life used to be great. He always put my please first, went down on me all the time and it was stunning."

"as for oral. I don't know why, but I've never liked doing it. I did it when we first went out. (my husband is the only man I've. . . Well you know, orally pleasured) but I never liked it."

He went down on you all the time and you gave him the odd blow job when you first went out and then stopped because you never liked it.

Sounds very one sided, doubt many men or women actually enjoy the act of giving oral but it's about making the other person feel good and reciprocating particularly when they've been very generous to you.

Not just unreasonable for not trying to do something about your lack of libido but also potentially unreasonable in how one sided your sex life was when you were active, at least that's how it sounds from your posts. Can't always receive and never give!

But you need to rebuild step by step, whilst he sounds lovely and very patient, he's only human and it's unreasonable to expect him to put up with this, unilaterally without any discussion or effort to get back on track.

If you enjoyed sex before, chances are you will again. It's like jumping into a pooling on a warm day, don't dip your toe, you'll tell yourself it's too cold and you don't fancy it. Jump in and after initial fuck it's freezing moment, your body adjusts and then it feels amazing...

Original poster
Rizzo69 · 22/01/2014 08:24

Bit of a development overnight. About 4am DH went to the toilet, when he came back I decided, off the cuff, to "take matters into my own hands".

My DH usually has a lot of stamina. It took about 30 seconds. :)

Made quite the mess of brand new sheets.

OP posts:
lanbro · 22/01/2014 09:17

I felt a bit like this but not for so long. I'm ebf my 4.5mo and really it is only since the new year that I've become more interested in sex. My dh and I had lost all intimacybut we are bboth working hard to get it back. We send each other sexy texts through the day, sit together, holding hands or cuddling on an evening, random kisses and cuddles through the day and the more you do things like that the more you want to do it.