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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have not not want sex 18 months on.

83 replies

Rizzo69 · 20/01/2014 08:26

Our DD is 18 months old. She still sleeps in our room, and until now I have used this as an excuse for the fact that I have no interest in having sex.

DH has been very patient. He's always telling me I look great, hugging and trying to kiss me. He doesn't pressurise me for sex at all, but I know he wants us to start again. I'm happy with things as they are.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

PenguinsDontEatKale · 22/01/2014 09:22

Hope you enjoyed yourself OP! I think it was a good call. No one should have sex that they don't want, but after a child sometimes you can get into the habbit of not having sex. Sometimes once you break that pattern you realise how much you missed it! Making a spontaneous decision was probably a lot easier than 'tonight's the night' because of less pressure!

EirikurNoromaour · 22/01/2014 09:24

FlatFacedArmy · 22/01/2014 09:27

Well done Rizzo . Now, admit it, isn't it a boost to know that you have the power at your fingertips (literally!) to put the poor man into such a state of arousal that he cannot contain himself?!

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 22/01/2014 09:43

As a male I think your DH is being a saint and you really should try to get some help to reconnect with him.

As a woman I think that is a twatish thing to say.

Op, don't just feel you have to get him off for the sake of it.. but please do try and figure out why your ilbido is gone as not only are you missing out but your dh probably wants his wife who he loves to be enjoying being with him ..not just feeling obligated to get him off. Do you knwo what I mean? Hope you enjoyed yourself a bit though. x

Supercosy · 22/01/2014 09:47

Well done OP. Just to say that I've been in both positions, been the one that's gone off sex and the one that hasn't in my relationship due to to illness, tiredness etc. When my DP went off sex because she was ill (we're both women) I found it so hard because she didn't even seem to see me in a sexual way ifyswim, she seemed totally non plussed. Once her health situation improved she started to be loads more affectionate and we started to do lovely massage sessions which then lead her back into feeling like having sex again. As soon as the affection came back I felt SO much better. I honestly don't think I could've gone on in our relationship if that had dissappeared forever no matter how much I love her.

So glad you are getting back on track but I really would reccomend the massage thing to get things going, it is such a lovely way to connect and is also really relaxing.

MostWicked · 22/01/2014 12:50

As a male I think your DH is being a saint and you really should try to get some help to reconnect with him.

As a female, I think "saint" is the wrong word, and I don't think getting help is necessary. He is being a patient and loving, husband and father.
However, I agree with the sentiment that this cannot just be left. Effort is required.

OP, I'm glad you have made a step in the right direction, I dare say you have made your DH very happy. I do think you need to work on at least giving him more manual pleasure. Let him guide you if you lack confidence, but I'm sure he enjoys anything you do for him. If he gives as much as he does, he deserves a little more in return. Affection and sex need to be two way things.

Grennie · 22/01/2014 12:53

It makes me angry and sad to see a woman being told to and praised for having sex with her partner when she does not want. And by sex I am including all sex acts.

Manchesterhistorygirl · 22/01/2014 12:55

OP what contraception are you taking? That can seriously reduce your libido.

Bowlersarm · 22/01/2014 12:56

I think it's a great first step OP.

PenguinsDontEatKale · 22/01/2014 12:59

Just to be clear, I was not praising the OP for having sex she didn't want. In fact, she hasn't told us anything to suggest that she didn't want to have sex last night. The impression that I had from her post (and I apologise to the OP if I was wrong) was that she decided, on the spot, that she did want to have sex, having been thinking about it a bit more recently.

I do also know that, after both my children, I had to make a conscious decision that I wanted to resume that side of relationship rather than waiting for the mood to strike me. Once I did, I very much wanted to be intimate. But I think you can get to a point where you don't miss it and so you never get the sudden urge to resume things.

redexpat · 22/01/2014 13:35

Best update ever!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 22/01/2014 13:44

Rizzo, I bet that dh feels in love today. I hope that you do too. Fingers crossed you will get things back on track.

MostWicked · 22/01/2014 14:00

It makes me angry and sad to see a woman being told to and praised for having sex with her partner when she does not want. And by sex I am including all sex acts.

She hasn't been praised for having sex when she didn't want to. I think she would have got a VERY different response had she posted to say 'well I gave in last night because he was pestering me'
She has been congratulated for taking the first step to solving a problem that she wanted to fix, that will benefit her marriage, and she seems happy with the step she has taken.

Grennie · 22/01/2014 14:30

She has been praised for "pleasuring" her partner.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/01/2014 14:34

No where does the OP say she had sex against her will.

FlatFacedArmy · 22/01/2014 14:50

Pleasuring one's partner is a nice and praiseworthy thing to do, no? Presuming no coercion was involved - and it sounds as if she single-handedly (ha!) took the decision to do something nice for him - then what is SO awful about congratulating her on making the life of someone she loves that little bit brighter?

formerbabe · 22/01/2014 15:00

Grennie...I think you are making this into something it isn't.

The op is trying to become intimate and regain her sex life with her husband who has been supportive and patient. I think it us great news that you have made the first step Rizzo and hope things continue to improve.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 22/01/2014 15:56

well done in taking the first step, now just take it slowly and build your confidence.

DreamingofSummer · 22/01/2014 16:04

Rizzo

Well done you!

Grennie

Please stop being a twit.

EirikurNoromaour · 22/01/2014 16:11

Don't be silly Grennie?

EirikurNoromaour · 22/01/2014 16:11

I mean Gt

EirikurNoromaour · 22/01/2014 16:11

FFs
Don't be silly Grennie! Is what I meant to post.

Chunderella · 22/01/2014 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/01/2014 17:40

She said she took the matter into her own hands so I think that is pretty conclusive that she wanted to shag her husband.

Joysmum · 22/01/2014 18:36

Hahahaha some of you lot are hilarious!

He got up in the middle of the night for a slash, she decided the time was right and pounced, he couldn't contain himself for long because she decided to took the lead.

Bravo rizzo. I've been where you are in having a longish period with no sex, no interest, and then that building to dreading ever doing anything ever again. I too can vouch for the fact that throwing yourself into it fairly regularly, makes to crave it more.

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