AIBU to not "get" mass public mourning?

[BabyMummy29]

Thinking of the sad case of the little boy in Edinburgh at the moment, but on so many occasions nowadays people leave flowers, toys etc when they didn't even know the person concerned,

Wouldn't they be better spending the money on a donation to a charity.

I just don't get it at all. Fair enough if you knew the person involved. but not otherwise.

That's a tricky one Sinister and I do see what you mean. I think there is a difference in wanting show acknowledgment verses being devastated by the loss of someone you did not know.

I remember the news footage of Wooton Basset where the people of the village lined the streets to quietly witness and acknowledge the return to Brise Norton of fallen soldiers repatriated from Afghanistan.

The original footage showed a gathering of elderly decorated war veterans and it was a silent, respectful affair. Fast forward two or three months as the war continued and the cameras picked up the continued, silent gatherings.

As the film footage continued over further weeks, the elderly contingent were almost outnumbered by teens with their camera phones, pushed forward to the 'front'. Appalling. Every time I drive past the 'Royal Wooton Basset' sign (as it now is) on the M4, I think of the war veterans and what they must think of such gross displays of disrespect.

I've seen this at work, honest. A member of staff's dad died. She took a week off and probably spent most of that time supporting her other family members and making arrangements as well as dealing with her own grief. In the same week another member of staff's friend died. She took 3 weeks off, had no arrangements to make and wasn't directly supporting the family and then posted pics of herself out and about. She also was the one getting all the sympathy.

I know I can't tell people how to grieve but it's things like that^ that make me wonder how the person who took 3 weeks off would cope if it had been a family member.

Well said Oldgrandmama - glad to see some people can see the point I was trying to make.

I am not cold, hardhearted or unsympathetic. Of course the death of any child is a terrible tragedy. I mourn people I have known in a way I think appropriate.

It's sad that some people, when faced with opinions that differ from their own resort to telling people to stfu - very mature and eloquent

bootycall and everlong you are missing my point. I don't think it's grief whoring to lay flowers or cuddly toys. However, SOME people ARE grief whores. It's about the sentiment behind it rather than the action itself. And like my post says, it's more the mawkish nonsense on facebook etc that I'm talking about.

I also agree with honest that it shows that people really can't cope with things anymore. It's very worrying.

Toffee ffs it's not about compassion or not. Plenty of people are very sad about the child's death, it doesn't mean they make it public. Many people choose to grieve privately.

I totally agree YouTheCat. You can not tell people how to grieve or how to deal with life stresses but our ability to cope with these matters is, in my opinion, getting less and less. I suspect that member of staff at your work would really struggle if it were a member of her family and that is unhealthy for her.

SinisterSal... I don't know really. Would charities do it 'in the name of'? I would have thought it was possible to send a note to the vicar of the church perhaps? There must be a way. There are so many people though who prefer to lay flowers/toys that the family wouldn't miss any number of people who donated in memory without acknowledgement.

Perhaps there will be a mention of a charity at the funeral given the publicity?

Bones agreed. I think community mourning is different to national mourning.

Posters who think it is wrong, etc. How do you feel when sadly Mumsnetters have lost a family member and posters who may have never met or spoke on here to them before post messages of support and sympathy, send money to WoolyHugs, knit a square for a blanket, send flowers in real life maybe. Are they all just doing it for themselves and being mawkish?

MN is a community, isn't it? Posters will always want to show sympathy, do things like WoolyHugs, square-knitting, etc. Nothing mawkish about it.

I think MN mourning counts as community mourning. I'd express condolences if I felt it appropriate at the time.

Toffee
I don'tthink that is an appropriate comparison
I have people on here who I have never met or spoken to but with whom I have engaged/communicated for 8 years.
Their grief is more immediate to me than something I have read about inthe papers

I do get it. It's a way to show respect and send condolence.

In this case the community are grieving. It breaks my heart.

Is that the root then?

Community and where you think the boundaries are, which ones you feel part of. Like the Diana thing, there was perhaps no other way of expressing National (rather than community) spirit.

well, one of the roots
(the otehr being the difference between expressing sympathy for others and looking for it oneself )

I wouldn't be 'mourning' though, or 'bereaved', but I would feel very sad for a poster I don't know but post alongside of.

I've said prayers when asked, and hand-held too. It IS a community here, definitely.

YANBU. It is mawkish. I don't even leave flowers on the graves of my own family because they are dead and don't know I cannot afford them.

I think some of the laying of flowers, etc could be because people want to do something to help and they can't so they place flowers as a gesture.

exactly sinister that's just it.

littlebaby I wear my 'shitty clip art of a poppy' to honour the war dead, my granddad who died in the 50s of injuries sustained in the war of and my sons 18 year old mate who was killed in Afghanistan. people wear poppies as a visible sign of respect like leaving flowers.

there is absolutely nothing wrong in this or of doing neither.

it's choice. you choose not to and that's fine for you but why so you sneer at others choices.

oh to add correcting spelling is not clever. especially on such a thread as this.

I guess we all feel differently and have different ways of expressing it.

I think that's it, SinisterSal.

I know that I've spoken with colleagues recently about another colleague who died about 5 years ago, a lovely man. I said how much I still missed him and expected to walk into a room and see him sitting in his chair. I wouldn't have dreamt of saying that to his wife or children or intruding on their grief in any way; their feelings trump anybody else's.

I think, if the public mass lining the roads at Diana's funeral had stayed silent and not chucking flowers trying to hit or get them on the coffin, it would have been so much more respectful to her sons.

bootycall but then why not do something meaningful, like buying a poppy which then results in a donation to the British Legion? Shitty clip art doesn't actually help anyone.

And if someone can't be bothered to spell correctly, why should I be bothered to read their comments?

Yes, I think one of the roots tbh.

But also there is a weird need to connect ourself to grief.
After 9/11 I was endlessly nonplussed by tales told of near misses 'I stayed in a hotel near the twin towers just a year and a day before 9/11'
My only reaction was 'and..'
When a close friend of mine died an ex girlfriend turned up saying they had been in contact and were soon to be an item again. She sort of demanded a level of attention, a claim of significant grief. It was odd.

I don't understand it but it exists, this needs to be more involved, more connected than we really are.